Kym:

We'll be back next week with a normal movie update, after we check out the new Sherlock Holmes movie. Until then, for the holiday season, I'm going to let Rob take center stage with a very magical Christmas rant.


Rob:

Thank you, luv! So without further ado...





I HATE TINY TIM!


That statement is, in essence, the entirety of this post. Since I've got some time to kill, please allow me to elaborate.

Since as long as I can remember, I've been continually subjected to version after version of the Christmas Carol. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, mind you. Many is the memory of smiling as the classic tale appeared on the screen of my TV during the holidays.

I have, however, equally as many memories of cringing in despair as a horrible cartoon version of the tale began, and my memory has only unclouded a small portion of the repressed horror and despair felt as Tiny Tim limped his way onto the screen, with an ear bleedingly squeaky voice, and fresh face that even Mother Teresa would have gladly sucker punched.





Well...during any other time of the year, at least. During the holidays, and in the context of the story, we have no choice but to love him...although I don't remember every personally loving him, liking him or even standing him.

All I remember is a long drawn out scream as I clawed my way deep into the Christmas tree, begging for his solo to be over...




Make it stop...


...but let's not dwell on such things! Let's instead dwell on the incredible, ney, epic number of versions of this tale, so you, the potential victim, can shield yourself from the depths of the darkest pit of rasselberry dressing...






Scrooge (1970):

In my opinion, probably the best overall version of the Christmas Carol. More so than any other, it balances entertainment vs culture, bringing us something we'll all enjoy watching, without involving talking animals or shameless celebrity cameos.

[Side note: I don't know why I always feel the need to start with the best, only to descend slowly into the dark, painful grip of 'he who shall not be named' (I can hear the clank of his crutch approaching even now...), but I might as well go with it.]

This version is a musical, but the songs are mostly enjoyable, and easy to hum along with. The cast was all quite good, although Kenneth More as Scrooge was a bit generic, and it takes a little while to get started. That says nothing of Tim, who had a horrifying 'Oliver from the Brady Bunch Quality', and a solo that even his own mother'd 'mute'.

On a positive note, this version gives life to often overlooked characters, such as the debtors to Scrooge, the wife of Scrooge's nephew, and Scrooge's ex-fiancee. Also, this is one of the few versions that we can clearly see that Scrooge honestly believed he was a good person, and that it's as much ignorance as it is greed that taints his heart.

Overall the song and dance numbers are delightful, the plot and cast is good, Scrooge had great chemistry with ghost of Xmas present, and Jacob Marley (played by Sir Alec Guinness...that's right, Obi-wan!).

The debtors rousing chorus of 'thank you very much' is fantastic, and the scene in hell, which is usually ommitted from the television version, gives a unique glimpse as to what awaits Scrooge in the afterlife, with Jacob Marley snickering all the way. Oh, and the Scrooge redemption scene at the end is so delightfully over the top, complete with the other character's priceless 'reactions' to his change of heart, that there's no way not to love this wonderful version of the story.






Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Okay, keep in mind that when it comes to the Muppets, I'm far from impartial. For a time in my life, I was absolutely obsessed with the fuzzy guys (pretty much from preschool to second year of college).

As a fan, I can assure you that not only is this one of the best Muppet movies, but it's a great version of the Christmas Carol as well, blessed by an amazing performance by Michael Caine, who not only makes Scrooge hilarious, but also deep and poignant as well. While coming in as my second favorite version overall, Caine's easily my favorite Scrooge, and starts the movie delightfully dry and cold, seething with bitterness and hatred underneath.

This version is fairly accurate, although it was livened up with the Muppets themselves, lots of random gags, and they made Scrooge a landlord rather than a moneylender, since it's a position and situation that kids are far more likely to understand.

Marley is split into the brothers Marley and Marley, so they can be played by both Statler and Waldorf. Despite adding a lot of jokes for laughs, the Henson studios do admittedly go the extra mile to show the pair as damned, in some sort of karmic retribution for heckling Fozzie all those years.




You shall not have joked in vain...


Kermit nails the part of Bob Cratchett (love his shaking), the ghost of Christmas past is delightfully creepy, Christmas present is delightfully strange, and future is...okay, pretty generic.

The scene where Scrooge's girlfriend leaves him in the past is quite sad and magical, again thanks to Caine's performance, but for some reason the song 'the love is gone' was edited out of the theatrical release, and only included in the video. I guess they figured they'd lose their young audience's attention, which is a shame since it's quite a touching song, ending with Scrooge singing along, and finally breaking down to tears, and with every second of it being believable, and absolutely wonderful.

Robin is yet another annoying Tiny Tim, the nephew is as generic as ever, and I have mixed feelings about Gonzo constantly interrupting as narrator along with Rizzo, but Scrooge's confrontation with Piggy at the end is classic.

Anyway, Michael Caine is god, and we should totally hang out together some time (call me!).






Scrooge (1951)

Far more dramatic then its counterparts, this b&w British version holds just the right amount of comic relief as well. Unlike the first entry, this version is not a musical, and includes a few of the more serious scenes which are usually omitted from the original screenplay, like Scrooge's sister dying, and the children of the world clutching to the Ghost of Christmas Present's legs.

Scrooge himself, played by Alistair Sim, is magnificent, providing a far more realistic and tragic figure then the musical, as his suffering seems far more genuine.

That said, this version is also a bit perplexing, as the poor and destitute Cratchett family...doesn't seem very poor and destitute.

That's a fairly nice house you live in Bob. Is that a painting on the wall? Well, you've certainly done all you possibly could to save Tim. I can see how selling the Rembrant would be a step too far.

Listen, I hate Tim as much as anyone, but this Tim isn't nearly as annoying as the ones that got songs.




You may live.






Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983)

A remarkably good portrayal of the Christmas Carol, and unlike the others, they achieve this in an amazingly concise 25 minutes. This short running length is achieved mostly by cutting out excess scenes and dialog (Mrs. Cratchett, played by Mini, doesn’t have any lines at all), but never does the story seem sparse or difficult to follow, even if it's your first time seeing it.

By some small mercy from the gods, Tiny Tim barely says anything, and as an added bonus, the graveyard scene is one of the most powerful out of all the versions of the story I’ve seen. Not only do they not beat you over the head with Tiny Tim’s death, but Black Pete is, hands down, the best ghost of Christmas Future of them all. He shows his face, lights a cigar, and laughs as Scrooge falls headfirst into hell.

Definitive? No way, but very to the point and enjoyable. It wouldn’t be the only version of the Christmas Carol I’d watch during the holidays, but I’d watch this one as well. At 25 minutes long, do you really have an excuse not to?






Scrooged (1988)

Not a traditional Christmas Carol, but an effective homage and modern day interpretation, as Bill Murray plays a heartless and hopelessly vain TV executive.

The ghosts are far more bitter and abusive than normal, which actually adds to the movie's charm, and although it's mainly a comedy, Murray puts heart and soul into the part, especially the ending, where Murray does what no other Scrooge did, damning the consequences in order to bring his message of hope and redemption to millions of viewers.

Best of all, Tim only has one line. Yeah, it's 'that' one.



THE LESSER VERSIONS

No need for pictures or lengthy descriptions here. These are the versions you might as well just avoid.



A Christmas Carol starring Jim Carrey (2009)

This version manages to be delightfully creepy and dark, but doesn't really add anything besides gross spectacle added to warrant its 3D ticket price. Also, Jim Carrey's ex-girlfriend is a psycho bitch (no, not Scrooge's, but the real one, Jenny 'Just Say No to Child Vaccinations' McCarthy).



Jetson's Christmas Carol (2000)

Not much here, except the fact that Astro is the sick one instead of Elroy, leading to the possibility of Astro dying (strangely believable enough to gain your attention) and of course leading to Astro delivering the story's final line, which was quite funny.



Flintstones Christmas Carol (1994)

Absolute crap.

Oh, is that an attempt at irony Fred? Oh, are you going to learn a valuable lesson? Congratulations Fred, you managed to make a Christmas Carol slightly less lame than the one you completely ripped off, the worst of them all...



Mr. Magoo Christmas Carol (1962)

Words fail me.

The songs were godawful, and the jokes were lame (the classic Magoo having a hard time seeing actually didn't come up that much). The Cratchett family song is always enough to push me over the edge, leading to my yearly attempt to impale myself on the Christmas tree.

Laugh if you like, but this Tiny Tim, singing about Rasselberry dressing, is enough to shatter even the merriest holiday soul. I would gladly duel this kid to death with crutches, and damn the consequences!

This version's only redeeming value is when Scrooge sees that he's dead, it isn't the fear of death or damnation that causes him to turn, but the fact that he dies alone, unloving and unloved, that finally breaks his heart.

This is by far the most existential moment I've seen Scrooge ever have in any version, as we see that although he's a bitter old man, he's still at heart a sad and lonely boy.

You know what? To hell with it, this is BETTER than the Flintstone's Christmas Carol, rasselberry dressing be damned.



What's that I hear you saying? "If you think you know so much about the Christmas Carol, why don't you just make one myself?" Hmm.....


-Starts black and then fades into the words, in festive trim,


"Robert Max Freeman's Ultimate Christmas Carol".


-Scrooge starts at his television executive job, smiling at himself in the mirror and then showing the board 'his' version of the Christmas Carol commercial.


-Uncle Scrooge's nephew Donald then shows up to bring him a wreath and invite him over to dinner for the holidays, only to get kicked out.


-Without any dialog from Gonzo or Rizzo, Bunson Honeydew and Beaker come in to ask for a donation from Scrooge, only to be kicked out. This scene continues on to Scrooge grudgingly (after delivering a great line 'be here at 8:00...but sir, it's Christmas...8:30 then') giving the staff the day off.


-On his way home, Scrooge (1970) collects debts from the people who owe him money, including the puppeteer and the stew salesman. The songs are edited down, since children can't sing worth a damn. We continue with this version right up until Jacob Marley shows up.


-Muppet Marley and Marley show up to torment Scrooge, telling of their plight, and that three ghosts will visit him. Again, all scenes of Gonzo and Rizzo are edited out. As the bell strikes one, the spooky ghost appears.


-We get the explaination of how 'looking into the past works' from Scrooged, and we continue until the dialog starts between Scrooge's family members.


-We BRIEFLY see the child version of Magoo Scrooge at school sing ONE verse of the song "I'm all alone in the world".


-School finishes out seriously in black and white, straight through the scene of Scrooge's sister dying.


-We see the short Fezziwig scene from Disney's cartoon version, with Uncle Scrooge making moves on Daisy (what would Donald think...now THAT'D be an interesting episode of Maury Povich!)


-Scrooge (played by Michael Caine) watches his young self talk with his girlfriend at the park, and looks on sadly as their love dies before his very eyes, and we continue through the song "The Love is Gone", and Scrooge returns to the present, where...


-The 1970's musical version of Scrooge's Ghost of Christmas present verbally smacks Scrooge around...


-...and the 'Scrooged' Ghost of Christmas present physically beats him up as well!


-There's a brief, heavily edited stop to his nephew's house from the 1970's musical.


-There's a brief, heavily edited stop to the Mickey Cratchett home.


-In black and white, the Ghost of Christmas present shows Scrooge the children of man and crushes Scrooge with a vicious delivery of 'are there no prisons are there no workhouses?'.


-Scrooge McDuck is greeted my the mysterious Ghost of Christmas Past.


-The debtors sing 'Thank You Very Much' for Scrooge.


-Scrooge McDuck finds himself at the graveyard, playing out the entire scene, ending with him falling into hell.


-In hell, Scrooge is tormented beyond belief and it's HILARIOUS!


-Before breaking down completely, Scrooge realizes that the worst tragedy is dying alone, never truly experiencing love and human kindness, and sings ONE verse of "I'm all alone in the world".


-Scrooge, wakes up back in Kansas...I mean in black and white, and scares the hell out of his cleaning lady.


-Scrooge runs into Bunson Honeydew and Beaker, donates a ridiculous sum of money, and receives a gift from Beaker in return.


-The redemption scene with him shopping is right out of the 1970's musical, with only a little bit of editing down for time, right until they get to the Cratchett home.


-Michael Caine is hilarious as he pulls Kermit and Piggy's leg, before revealing his new nature.


-Scrooge quickly goes back to his TV executive job and has a heavily edited (no girlfriend, brother, or Tiny Tim) redemption speech. Just as his girlfriend would show up...


-Scrooge runs into the debtors, starts doing a reprise of 'Thank You Very Much'. and finishes up completely as the 1970 musical, right up until...


-Astro says "Grahd Ress Us Every One!"


Oh, and Tiny Tim's dead.


Yup, just heard it on the news.

I wasn't there.

Ask Kym.

I was making waffles.

You weren't even there.

That isn't my bloody crutch.

I mean that isn't his bloody crutch.

I mean...GOTTA GO!

Rob:

Instead of movies this week, we've decided to focus on DVD shopping for the holidays, which can often be a bit tricky.


Kym:

Luckily, this season has a lot of great options, with plenty of movies that everyone loves!


Rob:

Indeed! For example....







Kym:

These weren't the movies...which coincidentally are two of your all time favorites...I was exactly thinking of.


Rob:

You're right. Any self respecting movie lover already has both.


Kym:

*SIGH* Let's just leave it at that, and move on.





Rob:

It may seem like an odd place to start, since there are much bigger naem movies out there, like Harry Potter 7 part 2, Pirates 4, the Marvel movies and such, but those movies don't usually make very good presents, as most people already have them.


Kym:

Super 8, however, was a little more below the radar, but still a great movie. Not only did it have great special effects, but the plot was good too.


Rob:

It's sort of like Godzilla (2001) only with a soul. I especially loved the kid's dialog, which is some of the most authentic I've ever heard. It's a movie about 12 year olds who act like 12 year olds all in the middle of an alien attack.



Kym:

It's a very good film, overall, and a fine movie to pick up for a family member or friend. Of course, if you're looking for something specifically for women....





Rob:

A moment of silence, for the two hours of my life I'll never get back.


Kym:

Now now, it was quite a good movie overall, although it might not have struck as much a chord with guy viewers. It's a touching, well acted, and interesting movie that looks at some of the seedier elements of the circus industry.


Rob:

I think Carnivale did a better job at that. Still, the ending was solid, and the film has more than enough charm to keep it going. It's a nice idea for the woman in your life. For the guys....





Kym:

Now here's a DVD set that I can enjoy too! The History channel did a great job with this series, and there's just something about war that guys always seem to love.


Rob:

The recent 'Gettysburg' History Channel special was also fantastic, as is Band of Brothers and The Pacific. With guys, war DVDs are usually a pretty safe bet.






Rob:

For the family members who enjoy classics, it's hard to go wrong with this definitive edition of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Now that's the uber awesome origion version, albeit with creepy little people painted orange, not the somewhat awesome remake, with lower overall quality, but thankfully normal oompa loompas.



Kym:

I absolutely love all the extra goodies in this set. Perfect for any lover of the original film! Wait...now that I think of it, is there anyone who didn't like this movie?


Rob:

Tim Burton, apparently.






Kym:

For kids, it's hard to go wrong with Disney DVDs, and they've got a lot of great kids movies out, some for the first time on Blu Ray: Cars 2, Lion King, Winnie the Pooh, Captain America...


Rob:

That's ri...wait, Captain America?



Kym:

It might not be first and foremost a kids movie, but for young boys, it's definitely the superhero of choice this year, judging by all the Captain America costumes this past Halloween.


Rob:

Ah, the pure unbridled joy of flinging a giant patriotic frisbee at your siblings.



Kym:

Speaking of 'for the first time on Blu Ray', there are a lot of great movies out there that most people have on DVD, but may not have on Blu Ray, and the holidays are as good a time as any to get some.


Rob:

Some good examples include many great 'geek' movies: Star Wars, Jurassic Park, and Lord of the Rings. Any card carrying nerd would love to receive any of these on DVDs.



Kym:

You have your nerd card on you, love?


Rob:

Yup, my Wizards of the Coast DCI card, all glossy and everything.



Kym:

Why am I even surprised.





Rob:

Our final category are movies that while definitely good as a holiday gift, don't necessarily need to be on Blu Ray.



Kym:

For the frugal shoppers and unapologetic cheapskates, a normal DVD is not only a fine choice, but in the case of many movies, it's a better idea.


Rob:

I really liked Horrible Bosses, but there's no reason to get it on Blu Ray unless you're a big Jennifer Aniston fan. Me, I'm more of an Emma Stone fan.


Kym:

Not to mention a somewhat unhealthy interest in Helen Mirren and Shelley Duvall.



Rob:

Regardless of that fact, I can't think of any movie the three of them have done that I would really need on Blu Ray. The same goes for most TV series as well. I mean, how clear a picture do you need for the latest season of Grey's Anatomy?




Kym:

There are also some 'acceptable sequels' that are worth getting, if only for completion's sake, but Fastfive, Scream 4, and Kung Fu Panda 2 don't necessarily need the Blu Ray treatment.


Rob:

Although I'll probably splurge to give Emma Stone the Blu Ray treatment.


Kym:

Ditto for Thor. Happy shopping everyone!

...

WORTH IT FOR BLU RAY:

Harry Potter 7 pt 2
Willy Wonka
Jurassic Park
Star Wars
Lord of the Rings
Cars 2
Lion King
Captain America
Thor


FINE ON REGULAR DVD:


Hot Fuzz
Clue
Other movies only Rob likes
Most History Channel specials
Super 8
Water for Elephants
Winnie the Pooh
Horrible Bosses

Fall TV Lineup part 2

Rob:

*Completely out of breath*

...flying predators would be snatching up stray children for snacks...and in conclusion, that is absolutely everything wrong with the show Terra Nova...


Kym:

Are you done, honey?



Rob:

Yeah. Time to move on.





Kym:

Quiet in the gallery/comments! Rest assured, as an avid 'Buffy' fan, there was no possible way I'd miss this show. Unfortunately...


Rob:

It's a crappy CW show.


Kym:

In a nutshell, yes. Sarah Michelle Gellar is doing her best to lend some of her talent to the show, but the plot's weak, the show has absolutely no budget (the shots that supposedly take place on a boat out at sea are downright embarassing), and most of the other actors are boring.


Rob:

Except a pretty good performance from Nestor Carbonell, who you might remember as the mayor of Gotham city in Dark Knight who wore eyeliner for some unknown reason.


Kym:

Don't ask, don't tell.


Rob:

He's sort of the poor man's Raul Julia, but together, him and Sarah do their best to pull the show out of the muck, but they ultimately fail.


Kym:

It depends on your definition of failure. The show already got picked up for a full season, probably due to the appeal of Sarah Michelle Gellar, combined with how cheaply they can throw the show together.


Rob:

Seriously, it's like Baywatch, only without the skin or the Hoff. I wouldn't bother, unless you're that desperate to see Gellar in something new.





Rob:

Yup, it's yet another cop show, combined with yet another 'working woman trying to make it in a male dominated environment'. Only this one is pretty good.


Kym:

Yeah, it's pro-feminist without being preachy. I like the 'Homicide' feel it has. Everything's a bit more gritty and realistic, without getting ridiculously morbid or tragic.


Rob:

That's usually a very fine line to tread. It's difficult to have a show continue being suspenseful without it getting predictable in one way or another, but I like the direction they're take the show, and the performance by Maria Bello.


Kym:

Her character is played very tough, which works well. We recently found out that this is based on a British TV series starring Helen Mirren.


Rob:

No offense, but Helen Mirren is about ten times sexier than Maria Bello.



Kym:

Uh...you do mean Helen Mirren in 1993, when the show aired, and not Helen Mirren now, right?


Rob:

I stand by my statement.






Rob:

Speaking of cop shows, here's a pseudo-cop show starring James Caviezel.



Kym:

Who is he, again?


Rob:

He's the guy who got beaten up really bad in that middle eastern movie.



Kym:

*Googles it* Sigh...you're terrible. All in all, this is sort of a generic cop/spy show, but the actors really help it rise above its similar peers.


Rob:

Caviezel gives a good performance, but let's not forget Michael Emerson, who plays a very difficult part very well, and in many instances comes off as even cooler than the Bond-like secret agent, Caviezel. Not bad for a computer guy.



Kym:

I just knew you'd be rooting for a fellow geek, dear. So far some of the episodes have been hit or miss, but overall it's good, and has been renewed for another 6 episodes. Only time will tell if it's renewed for another season.


Rob:

Besides the overall premise being a little stale, my other problem is that I think the main character is acting a little too nice and merciful for his own good. I can't help but think that if the show was on cable, instead of a network, we'd be watching a much darker show.



Kym:

Speaking of darker shows...





Kym:

Uh...I meant American Horror Story.


Rob:

Then you shouldn't have said 'darker show', because if there's any maestro of terror on television, it's Ron Ben-Israel.






Kym:

Okay, for a Food TV host, the guy is indeed pretty creepy. Even in his lighter moments, he still comes off as an incredibly pretentious ass that makes Gordon Ramsey look 'easy going'. It also doesn't help that he isn't balanced by any other judges. Nope, it's just that one incredibly creepy foreign guy.


Rob:

The show itself is pretty good, but everything is offput by the 'mad genius/serial killer vibe' I keep getting getting from the host. Sort of makes you wonder what terrible fate awaits the three losers.



Kym:

Bottomless pit? Death ray? Ground into flour and served in cakes?


Rob:

If they're lucky! For all we know he might drop them in vats of boiling caramel, or stitch them together into a human centipede!



Kym:

That is DEFINITELY not the vibe you want to get from a Food TV host. The show has promise, but only if they add another judge or two, to balance that weirdo out.





Kym:

Now this is the show I meant when I said 'dark'. After watching a couple episodes, I can assure you that it's not only scary and disturbing, but also a hyper-sexualized mind-f*ck.


Rob:

Hard to believe it's brought to us by the people who made Glee! I like to think that the main premise behind the show is traumatizing teenage Glee fans for life.


Kym:

Well if any show can do it, this one can. It works well as a horror show, even though they do go a bit overboard with the sex and cursing. I guess they feel that since it's cable, they might as well go for it.



Rob:

The show is essentially a well paced, slowly unfolding mystery, but like other similar shows, like Twin Peaks, it runs the risk of burning out. After all, how can you keep this up without every character winding up dead?




Kym:

We'll just have to see. The show is very well made though, and the cast works well. I sort of wish it was on HBO though, not for additional sex and violence, but to eliminate the commercial breaks.


Rob:

I agree, it's difficult to keep up an atmosphere of tension when you interrupt the narrative every few minutes for a Pizza Hut commercial.


Kym:

Still, it manages to be honestly scary and unsettling, which is something few TV shows can do.


Rob:

Even more unsettling is the symbolism within the show. The main couple that's moved into the haunted house recently suffered a miscarriage, and the show starts with a trip to her gynecologist, who says that her body is like a house.



Kym:

So her body is haunted?


Rob:

It gets a little worse than that. You see, the basement of the house is the most haunted and dangerous place, originally filled with a corpse/infant monster. Again, the wife suffered a miscarriage, so if her body is like a house, then the haunted basement would be...


Kym:

Ewwww...


Rob:

Yeah. Needless to say, it's a very disturbing show, but when you're a horror show, and not a cooking competition, it's a good thing.


...

Kym:

All in all, it's been a pretty good opening for Fall season, with only a couple outright losers, and a lot of good potential.



Rob:

My new show of choice is American Horror Story. It's a close competition between that, Revenge, and Person of Interest, but the amazing opening credits is enough to push my vote in their favor, as it rivals True Blood's opening for pure surreal horror.


Kym:

My favorite show was definitely Revenge, as it's just too much fun not to root for our dangerous heroine, who's quietly ruining the lives of every person who ever crossed her family. It's good old fashioned 'mean' fun. Prime Suspect takes a close second place.


Rob:

So with surreal horror and terrible vengeance winning over our hearts, I wish everyone a happy viewing season. If you don't hear from me soon, it may be because I've been frightened to death by the scariest thing imaginable....


Kym:

Ron Ben-Israel guest starring on American Horror Story?


Rob:

*Hides under covers*


Kym:

Oh well. Happy Halloween!

Fall TV Lineup

Kym:

We're continuing our break from new movies for the moment, because Contagion was 'okay, but dull'...


Rob:

And we weren't exactly sure how to stretch thee words into a full page.


Kym:

Exactly, so instead we're going to take a look at some of the new TV shows that have come out this season, staring with...





Kym:

The Playboy Club!


Rob:

Which was already cancelled!


Kym:

So very cancelled!


Rob:

Basically, they took a format for a female focused drama, put them in supposedly 'skimpy' dresses, and then get terrible writers to create everything.


Kym:

Yeah, it just wasn't very good at all. Although I thought you'd like all the girls, in a 'Hooters Waitress' sort of way.


Rob:

Meh. Bunny outfits weren't exactly revealing. I've seen co-workers in skimpier outfits at work. R-I-P-B-N-Y.





Rob:

Now here's a show that gets the same formula right. It's another female focused drama, but it's smart, and the female stars are all remarkably sexy in their flight attendant outfits, without showing barely any skin at all.


Kym:
So far it's a well crafted story, and it's not just about the female characters. The guys are funny and interesting as well. They also did a really good job recreating the time period, and the great jets.


Rob:

Also, it stars Christina Ricci, rocking a Mary Tyler Moore haircut, who's never looked better.


Kym:

Why do guys always obsess on how the female characters look? Noticing and mentioning is one thing, but sometimes it's all you guys talk about.


Rob:

Fine! The male characters are hot too! Happy?



Kym:

Much bet...wait, what?





Rob:

Nevermind, we're already on to the next show, X-Factor: AKA American Idol!



Kym:

American Idol is new?


Rob:

It is if we change the name, and replace the black judge who wears glasses with another black guy who wears glasses!



Kym:

Uh...no it isn't.


Rob:

I guess you're right, it isn't. Disqualified!






Kym:

This is my personal favorite new show of the fall season! It's a good old fashioned revenge story...


Rob:

That's not a figure of speech, either. It is a good old fashioned revenge story: the Count of Monte Cristo. It's not a rip-off though, but an homage. I also really enjoyed watching Emily VanCamp get her terrible revenge week after week.



Kym:

I like how the story is slowly unfolding, with every person who wronged her family each getting their just desserts.


Rob:

Kind of makes me wonder how they plan to make the series last more than a season or two. Oh well, here's to hoping that it does well, so we can find out.



Kym:

Not going to drool over the female cast members?


Rob:

Another meh. Most of the actresses on the show need sammiches. The only exception is the evil Matriarch 'Victoria', played by Madeline Stowe. She's like a cross between a Disney evil stepmother, and a Playboy model. I approve. All in all, I'm going to keep watching, even though it's not really a show targeted toward men.



Kym:

What do you mean? I think guys will like it too.


Rob:

Come on, it's being advertised as the 'dishiest' show on television. I don't even know what that means! No man does!



Kym:

Well I disagree, but we'll move on.





Kym:

We may be a little prejudiced with this one. You see, a while back Fox cancelled a very good show called 'Lie to Me', starring Tim Roth, and replaced it with the X-Factor...


Rob:

American Idol 2: This time, it's exactly the same.


Kym:

...and this show, Terra Nova. Still, I'm willing to give any show a fighting chance. Basically, the future sucks, and there's a time portal that leads 85 million years into the past, where the characters start a new life.



Rob:

Which is annoying, because I found the crowded, dirty, dis-utopian future quite interesting, and the special effects creating it were pretty good.




Kym:

Yeah, but in the past we have dinosaurs! Not exactly Summer Blockbuster quality dinosaurs, but they look alright for a TV show. From there we have survival, warring camps, and overall a cross between 'Lost' and 'Land of the Lost'.


Rob:

Honestly, I wasn't very impressed with it at all. There was very little drama, very poor chemistry...


Kym:

And way too many 'angsty teenagers in love' sub-plots.


Rob:

I also had trouble believing how many problems the people from the future were having. For starters, why do they have supply problems? Can't the future just send them more? And why are the guns so ineffective against the dinosaurs? I mean, we have guns in real life that will tear a T-Rex to shreds in seconds, but their laser guns merely piss the dinosaurs off?



Kym:

I should have expected my fiance to have some 'nerd rage' concerning the show.


Rob:

Also, all the walls around their fort look like crap! Is that the best the future has? We have time portals, but not secure fences? And what's with the slowly moving gate into town? With killer dinosaurs around, you'd think they'd close quickly...


Kym:

So anyway, the show isn't that impressive. I like the special effects, but there just isn't much interesting here. I'd much rather watch 'The Walking Dead', which gets the survivalist genre down much better.


Rob:

...and where the hell are the computers? And shouldn't the people in the future already know how well things are going? Aren't there fossil/archeological records of their fort? If the future still sucks, aren't they guaranteed to ultimately fail? And what happens when primitive man comes around and...


Kym:

Sigh...I think we should just take a break now, and let my future hubby get the geeky ranting out of his system.



Rob:

And the diseases! Don't even get me started on all the ramifications of...


Kym:

See you next week!

Super Summer Blockbuster Edition!

Kym:

We're taking a break from our normal setup this week, partially because the last couple movie's we've seen were....


Rob:

Not very memorable.


Kym:

That isn't to say they were bad. For example...





Kym:

Captain America was a lot of fun! There was plenty of action, great special effects, and setting the whole thing during WW2 made it far more unique than the average superhero movie.


Rob:

For you ladies out there, I bet the hunky Captain didn't hurt either. The main problem with the movie was that it really didn't take any risks. The whole thing plays out exactly as you'd expect it to, without any real groundbreaking or shocking moments. You can pretty much guess how everything goes from the trailer alone.


Kym:

You can't really blame Marvel for being careful with this entry. The last thing they need is one of their super hero movies to bomb before the Avengers movie comes out. All in all, I have no complaints, but it just doesn't 'wow' me in the same way most of the other Marvel movies do.





Rob:

How could they screw up a movie about Cowboys and Aliens, starring two huge Hollywood actors? Well...they didn't, actually. It's a very good movie, but all things considered, it's just a fairly typical Western, only with a really huge budget. It makes you wonder if they would have been better off having the whole thing take place in modern day, instead of a 150ish years ago.


Kym:

Harrison Ford did a great job in a very tough role to pull off, but Daniel Craig on the other hand just seemed sort of out of place. Making a British actor a western cowboy was a very questionable choice for the movie.


Rob:

What the average movie viewer wanted was a campy science fiction story set in the old west. What they got was a dead serious western that included sci-fi elements. The creators missed the mark, lost out on a lot of audiences, and wound up with a movie that was good, but at the same time, not particularly noteworthy. Aside from some impressive looking aliens.


Kym:

Anyway, with that out of the way, this week we're going to go over some of our all time favorite Summer Blockbusters, which we consider to be a genre in itself. Sure, these movies may at their heart be sci-fi, fantasy, horror, or an action flick, but what really defines these movies are all the things we associate with 'Blockbuster Movies'.


Rob:

Big budgets, big name stars, ear shattering explosions, rocking sound tracks, simple themes, no more than a PG-13 rating, mid-summer release date, and a complete and utter lack of strong female characters.



Kym:

That's ri...wait, what? What do actresses have to do with it?


Rob:

A trademark of huge summer blockbusters has become, over time, the complete and utter absence of any strong female characters. They may have a positive attitude, and be good characters in their own right, but mark my words, by the last act they'll be trapped and powerless, praying for their 'man' to come save them.



Kym:

I'm going to stop you right there, love. Last thing we need is another rant like last time's.



Rob:

Transformers is a perfect example though! The female characters act strong and tough, but by the end they're face down on the ground, desperately needing to be rescued.



Kym:

Sigh...shouldn't I be the one making this sort of argument? Oh well, let's move on to what does and does not count as a Blockbuster. Some examples of movies that do count as Summer Blockbusters are Jaws (the original Summer Blockbuster), Aliens, Transformers, the Terminator movies, Star Trek...


Rob:

The 2009 one. Despite most Star Trek movies being 'geeky' niche movies, they really designed the recent Star Trek to be a crowd pleasing, big budget blockbuster...which is ultimately the best definition of a Summer Blockbuster. It's a movie that's specifically 'designed' to be a Summer Blockbuster. From start to finish, it had to be designed with profits and mass appeal in mind, more so than anything else.



Kym:

Again, this doesn't mean they're inferior to other types of movies. It just means that ultimately, the creators have different goals when creating these movies than they do with normal films. Moving on to examples of movies that may have been 'big' and 'came out in the summer', but aren't really Summer Blockbusters: Unforgiven...


Rob:

It was a great movie that was commercially successful, and came out during the summer, but it's obvious that they didn't intend it to be a movie for everyone.



Kym:

Most superhero movies and movies based on book series don't count either, as they're usually meant to appeal mainly to the fans of the heroes and/or books. Again, they often come out during the summer, with big budgets, but they're not first and foremost a Blockbuster movie. They're first and foremost an adaptation.


Rob:

Finally, most kids movies don't count, because they follow the same pattern of release and presentation regardless of what time of the year they're released.



Kym:

And so, without further ado, here are our top 3 Summer Blockbuster movies of all time!





Kym:

Will Smith really made the movie. Although it still would have had the great special effects and action, it just wouldn't have been the same without him trash talking with aliens.


Rob:

You know what it would have been? '2012'. That's right, this movie was one John Cusack away from disaster.



Kym:

*Shudder* It's scary to think about. Another thing that really made the movie great were the weird and scary aliens, which were a far cry from the little gray men we were all used to before that, or the pure CGI monsters that are popular now (and are far less convincing, all things considered).


Rob:

Sure, the movie was far from flawless. Some of the plot holes were fairly large (some, like how they hacked an alien computer, were answered in deleted scenes), it dragged at some points, and the plane to plane combat at the end wasn't nearly as impressive as most of the other special effects, but it was still a lot of fun, and you have to give props for Pullman, with his ridiculously patriotic speech at the end.



Kym: That's our #3 favorite. #2 is...





Kym:

Sure, most or all the movie is ridiculously over the top, complete with machine guns mounted on lunar rovers, but it was still a LOT of fun, with great special effects, many hilarious characters, numerous amazing scenes in real life NASA locations, and great performances from all the actors involved. That's not even mentioning the legendary soundtrack! I bet you can hear it now, can't you?


Rob:

I don't wanna close my eyeeeeeeeeeeees...I don't wanna fall asleep...


Kym:

They also added a few tragic moments to add to the suspense. All in all, all the elements combined together really well, and we're left with one of the most enjoyable Summer Blockbusters of all time!



Rob:

I go craaaaaaaaaaazy...craaaaaaaaazy...




Kym:

Wait, I don't remember that Aerosmith song being in the movie.


Rob:

Sorry, I got thinking about Liv Tyler, and my mind sort of wandered.


Kym:

Sigh...


Rob:

On that note, her performance in this movie reinforces my 'weak women in Summer Blockbusters' hypothesis. At the start she's a strong, independent woman, but by the end she's spending all her time praying that the all male crew (aside from the female pilot who doesn't actually do anything) will save her, while she's not simultaneously pining for her fiance, or crying over daddy.



Kym:

A lot of your 'prime examples' are Michael Bay movies, dear. I'm not quite sure if this is a symptom of Summer Blockbusters, or just a bad habit of Michael Bay. Anyway, let's move on to our #1 Summer Blockbuster of all time:





Rob:

It may not have been the first true Summer Blockbuster, but it was the first 'modern mega blockbuster' that really guaranteed we'd have one Blockbuster to watch every summer until the end of time, followed by their numerous inferior sequels. Since it came out, movies and home defense have never been the same.


Kym:

Home defense?


Rob:

For anyone who grew up in the 90's, making sure your home is 'Velociraptor-proof' is a necessity.


Kym:

Anyway, Jurassic Park really set the bar for all other Blockbusters that came after it. With a high budget, great special effects, a hot cast (for the time), a bombastic soundtrack, ear-rending THX sound...



Rob:

and an all but useless female lead, this is ultra-violent PG-13 action at its best! The formula has been often imitated, but no other Summer Blockbuster has truly been the 'complete package' that Jurassic Park was.


Kym:

I just realized, Jeff Goldblum was in both our #3 and #1 pick. For an actor that's made fun of more than he's praised, he sure shows up a lot in some of our favorite movies.


Rob:

I think it just goes to show how bad of a reputation that most Summer Blockbusters have with critics and 'serious' movie lovers. Personally, I say that if you're watching a movie, and you enjoy it, then it's a good movie. Alright, maybe in ways it's less like fine cinema and more like porn, but at least it's GOOD porn.


Kym:

'Wonderful' analogy you have there, dear. So anyway, I guess what we're trying to say is that it's worth giving a lot of these old Summer Blockbusters a second look. You'd be surprised how well many of them hold up, even by today's standards. Don't forget the popcorn!


Rob:

And don't forget the Goldblum.

Robobots VS Kymcepticons

Kym:

Hey! Why do I have to be the Decepticons?


Rob:

It just sounds better. I tried Autokyms and Deceptirobs, but it just didn't roll off the tongue.


Kym:

*Sigh*...very well.





Rob:

Kym and I are usually on the same page when it comes to movies, 'Burlesque' aside...


Kym:

Oh come on, Burlesque wasn't that bad.


Rob:

You're just lucky I didn't notify the U.N. of the atrocities committed. The song and dance number 'I'll show you how to Burlesque' should have resulted in war trials.


Kym:

Back on topic, although we don't always completely agree, it's rare when we have a movie where we're sharply divided on, especially when that movie is an action blockbuster, like Transformers 3, which I found very funny and entertaining.


Rob:

Which I found half-assed, uninteresting, and at many points, downright ridiculous. Before we get into that, let's start on the first major change, the change-up in romantic interests for our hero.





Kym:

As you'd say, she could use a sammich. Also, I thought her lips looked weird. Collagen and/or Botox were definitely involved.


Rob:

I thought she looked alright. She definitely had the figure needed for the part. That said, I couldn't help but wish we had Megan Fox back. She has a certain something. An undefinable quality that...






Kym:

*Sigh* I'm just going to cut you off here, dear. I don't think there's much of a mystery here.


Rob:

*Ahem* Well, maybe not. Still, I think it's a worthwhile trade since Skids and Mudflap were thrown in with Megan Fox, and nixed from the movie.



Kym: Wait, which ones were....





Kym: Oh. Them.


Rob:

As a whole, Michael Bay's 'annoying racism' factor went down for this movie, which was a good thing. Still, the movie as a whole didn't make much sense, not because it was overly complicated, but because the movie never really explains why the characters do what they do, and what their reasoning may be. Instead, the story just jumps from scene to scene, without fully explaining how we got there.



Kym:

I gotta strongly disagree there. Sure, the movie doesn't have the intellectual depth of 'X-Men First Class', but by jumping from scene to scene quickly, the movie never gets boring. Instead, it jumps right from action to action. Besides, you of all people pointed out the plot holes of the previous Transformers movies.


Rob:

That alone shows you something. I was willing to forgive the previous movies because all their plot problems aside (Tigers in Africa? Egypt is a third world country, instead of a thriving tourism filled nation?) the movies kept upping the ante with the action, and if it didn't make a lot of sense, you could at least enjoy all the robot fights and explosions. Transformers 3, in comparison, didn't seem that thrilling to me. At least not enough to offset its weaknesses.


Kym:

You're being too hard on it. This was a solid, action packed 'Transformers movie', filled with tons of explosions, cool military scenes, a giant snake robot tearing up a city, and Optimus Prime kicking the crap out of everything in-between. Also, a few of the story twists were pretty interesting, especially regarding Sentinel Prime, voiced by Leonard Nimoy.



Rob:

No complaints with any of that, but I just couldn't take many of the scenes seriously. Here are some examples of the weak storytelling, and confusing plot holes:

1. Why don't any of the Decepticons have alarms or long distance communication? It takes them forever to figure out that the Autobots have entered the city at the end, long after the Autobots have killed some of them. Even an alarm would have done it. Lord knows what humanity will do when they discover walkie-talkies. Even smoke signals would have been an improvement.

2. Where did the missing Autobots from the second movie go? Not just Skids and Mudflap (which we can only pray are dead) but the girl motorcycle Autobots as well? You could just say they were killed off camera, but by who? There were no Decepticons around, and Optimus has the Matrix of leadership, which could have restored them if they were near death. Are we suggesting that human enemies managed to annihilate them completely, leaving nothing behind? No way. The real answer is they just weren't popular, and Michael Bay was too lazy to come up with an explanation.

3. Is the movie really suggesting that Optimus was trapped for a long time because he couldn't untangle himself from wires? Seriously? He's a transformer for Christ's sake! He wasn't even that tangled up! But no, he needs several other robots to help get him out.

4. I know this is sort of an 'action movie thing', but this movie stretched it to completely unbelievable levels: our office worker hero and his model girlfriend survive a gunfight, join up with the military, run several blocks, go up about 30 stories of stairs, have another desperate gun battle, nearly fall to their death, and then fight Star Scream in a high flying action scene. My point? At the end of all this, the main characters aren't even out of breath. The soldiers are trained for it, and action movies generally never get tired, but COME ON! If not the main guy, what about his skinny girlfriend? They just completed a 10 mile nonstop run, and they're not even winded.

5. One big scene depends on the Autobots surrendering to the Decepticons, and taken captive. WHY THE HELL WOULD THEY SURRENDER?!!! They know the Decepticons are not only going to enslave the world, but are also just going to kill them one by one if they give up, and this is precisely what happens. But no, instead of fighting to the end they patiently wait to be executed one by one. Well, this might be unfair of me to say. It's not like the Autobots were still armed....

6. Oh wait, they were STILL ARMED! When the Du Ex Machina distracts the Decepticons, the Autobots start firing away with their inbuilt guns, killing the Decepticons. So not only did they surrender, and the Decepticons not take their guns away, but the Autobots patiently waited to be killed one by one, while still armed with giant deadly weapons. Sweet Jesus....



Kym:

Rant much, dear?


Rob:

The movie just gave me so much to rant about.


Kym:

I think you're just over-analyzing things too much. It was a fun, brainless action flick. It's what we wanted to see, and it's what we got. I liked it.


Rob:

Did I mention that Michael Bay got caught reusing action scenes from 'The Island' in Transformers 3? For such a 'master of action movies', he couldn't even be bothered to make new action scenes. One word sums up Transformers 3 for me: LAZY.



Kym:

I just think you're being too difficult to please. This movie had the distinct advantage over the previous Transformers movies in that it didn't lag or get dragged down by unnecessary scenes. It kept moving right along and kept my interest from start to finish.


Rob:

Okay, I have to admit, there was still fun to be had, but I would have had just as much fun watching the first or second Transformers movies again. This movie was just a mindless re-hash with a weak story, and a ton of plot holes.


Kym: Oh well, we'll just have to agree to disagree. Personally, I had a lot of fun, and that's good enough for me.

...

Rob's Rating (school style): C

Kym's Rating (buy/rent/ignore): buy, unless you didn't like the first 2 Transformers movies.

Stand-By-Me-Ageddon (Super 8 and more)

Kym:

*Cracks Whip*


Rob:

Alright, alright, so I've fallen a little bit behind in posting our movie escapades. I'm going to use the copout that most of the movies were as we expected, and the reviews would be quite short.


Kym:

So this time we're going to have quite a few movies, to wrap up the early summer movies out there.





Rob:

If everyone felt the ground shake around May 6th, it was the sound of every woman in America's hormones bouncing around at once.


Kym:

It's difficult to top Jacob, the shirtless werewolf, but damn does Chris Hemsworth come close. No need for 'Green Lantern' CGI pecs here. Thor's 100% natural.


Rob:

SO ANYWAY....I like what they did with the story and characters. I mean, it's not like they would have been able to surprise the audience with who betrayed everyone. Hmm...was it Xena girl, asian guy, the fencer, the barbarian, or Loki the God of chaos and mischief? The mind boggles.


Kym:

They did change things around a bit, adding a few surprises here and there, but the main thing I like is they didn't just make another super hero movie. This movie's more of an adventure/fantasy, and it worked really well.


Rob:

Some of the fights were a little disappointing, but overall it was quite good. Any superhero movie that doesn't include the line 'with great power comes great responsibility' is alright in my book. Only one movie is allowed to have that line, and one only.


Kym:

Spiderman?


Rob:

Kung-Fu Hustle.



Kym:

*Sigh*

...

Rob's Rating (school style): B+

Kym's Rating (buy/rent/ignore): buy

...





Rob:

It's basically what you expect. No new surprises, aside from a standout performance from Penelope Cruz. They could have easily cut the movie length down a bit though. Several parts really drag, usually when Johnny Depp isn't on camera, and some scenes were completely unnecessary at all.



Kym: It was a good movie though, with fun action scenes, a few nice twists, and a typically hilarious performance from Johnny Depp.


Rob:

Whether you're there for Johnny Depp's humerous antics, or Penelope Cruz's glorious cleavage, you won't go away disappointed.



...

Rob's Rating (school style): C+

Kym's Rating (buy/rent/ignore): it all depends on how you like the Pirates series. For me, it's a buy.

...





Kym:

Wow! What a great movie!


Rob:

Indeed! I went in expecting a 'good' superhero movie, but was pleasantly surprised when I was instead served a fantastic cold-war spy thriller!


Kym:

They took some liberties with the story and characters, but it was all for the best, with Magneto being the haunted loose cannon, Professor X being the fun loving genius, and a great cast of supporting characters to keep everything moving along.



Rob:

I really liked how they expanded Mystique's character...although you would have thought that Professor X would have mentioned at some point that he grew up with Mystique, living as brother and sister.


Kym:

Yeah, and although Professor X and Magneto were supposed to build Cerebro together, according to X-Men 1, instead it was made entirely by Beast. All these issues are forgivable though, since the story and cast is so strong.


Rob:

The biggest surprise was seeing Kevin Bacon as the villain! That wasn't even advertised!


Kym:

I think they wanted to focus on the two male leads playing Magneto and Professor X.


Rob:

In an attempt to get girls interested, no doubt. I haven't seen this much sexual tension between two male leads since 'Sherlock Holmes'.


...

Rob's Rating (school style): A

Kym's Rating (buy/rent/ignore): BUY!

...





Kym:

Standard kids fare. It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad either. The word I'd use is 'painless'. The animation is nice, but not anywhere near Pixar quality (then again, what is?). It's a little weird that the movie suggests that Pandas are nearly extinct because a villain killed them. The real reason is because of lost habitat, limited food supply, and an unwillingness to mate.


Rob:

If the males are all voiced by Jack Black, then you can't really blame them.


...

Rob's Rating (school style): C-

Kym's Rating (buy/rent/ignore): ignore unless a child related to you makes you go

...





Kym:

Another surprise hit, with great special effects, a nice plot, and fantastic direction!


Rob:

For me, the real standout performances in the film were all from the kids. I really liked that they spoke with each other just like real 12 year old boys do. They're crude, immature, and often ridiculous, without lowering themselves to sitcom levels.




Kym:

Their personalities really stood out as well. Like the the short spaz who loved fireworks and guns....


Rob:

I knew that kid.


Kym:

The quiet and emotional kid who likes models and is the first to fall in love.....


Rob:

I knew that kid.


Kym:

The scared kid who throws up a lot....


Rob:

I knew that kid.


Kym:

And the weird, chubby, obsessive kid who has a crush on the girl he has no chance with....


Rob:

I was that kid.


Kym:

This movie is a real crowd pleaser, without sinking to overly crude humor or gooey violence. Some people thought it was a little too similar to sci-fi movies of the past, but I think it's more than unique enough to stand on its own.


Rob:

The only complaints I had with the otherwise nearly flawless movie was that the big train wreck near the beginning seemed a little 'fake', and the alien, although being reasonably unique, was a bit to similar to the Cloverfield monster in many ways, which was also made by the same film studio, Bad Robot.


Kym:

These are nitpicky issues though. It's a wonderful film, and you should definitely see it, if you haven't already.

...

Rob's Rating (school style): A-

Kym's Rating (buy/rent/ignore): buy


...


ROB CRACKED UP KYM WHEN:


*In Thor, when Natalie Portman's character's life work is taken away, and she's emotionally crushed.*


Rob:

If 'Black Swan' is any indication, this will not go well.