Kym:
We'll be back next week with a normal movie update, after we check out the new Sherlock Holmes movie. Until then, for the holiday season, I'm going to let Rob take center stage with a very magical Christmas rant.
Rob:
Thank you, luv! So without further ado...
I HATE TINY TIM!
That statement is, in essence, the entirety of this post. Since I've got some time to kill, please allow me to elaborate.
Since as long as I can remember, I've been continually subjected to version after version of the Christmas Carol. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, mind you. Many is the memory of smiling as the classic tale appeared on the screen of my TV during the holidays.
I have, however, equally as many memories of cringing in despair as a horrible cartoon version of the tale began, and my memory has only unclouded a small portion of the repressed horror and despair felt as Tiny Tim limped his way onto the screen, with an ear bleedingly squeaky voice, and fresh face that even Mother Teresa would have gladly sucker punched.
Well...during any other time of the year, at least. During the holidays, and in the context of the story, we have no choice but to love him...although I don't remember every personally loving him, liking him or even standing him.
All I remember is a long drawn out scream as I clawed my way deep into the Christmas tree, begging for his solo to be over...
Make it stop...
...but let's not dwell on such things! Let's instead dwell on the incredible, ney, epic number of versions of this tale, so you, the potential victim, can shield yourself from the depths of the darkest pit of rasselberry dressing...
Scrooge (1970):
In my opinion, probably the best overall version of the Christmas Carol. More so than any other, it balances entertainment vs culture, bringing us something we'll all enjoy watching, without involving talking animals or shameless celebrity cameos.
[Side note: I don't know why I always feel the need to start with the best, only to descend slowly into the dark, painful grip of 'he who shall not be named' (I can hear the clank of his crutch approaching even now...), but I might as well go with it.]
This version is a musical, but the songs are mostly enjoyable, and easy to hum along with. The cast was all quite good, although Kenneth More as Scrooge was a bit generic, and it takes a little while to get started. That says nothing of Tim, who had a horrifying 'Oliver from the Brady Bunch Quality', and a solo that even his own mother'd 'mute'.
On a positive note, this version gives life to often overlooked characters, such as the debtors to Scrooge, the wife of Scrooge's nephew, and Scrooge's ex-fiancee. Also, this is one of the few versions that we can clearly see that Scrooge honestly believed he was a good person, and that it's as much ignorance as it is greed that taints his heart.
Overall the song and dance numbers are delightful, the plot and cast is good, Scrooge had great chemistry with ghost of Xmas present, and Jacob Marley (played by Sir Alec Guinness...that's right, Obi-wan!).
The debtors rousing chorus of 'thank you very much' is fantastic, and the scene in hell, which is usually ommitted from the television version, gives a unique glimpse as to what awaits Scrooge in the afterlife, with Jacob Marley snickering all the way. Oh, and the Scrooge redemption scene at the end is so delightfully over the top, complete with the other character's priceless 'reactions' to his change of heart, that there's no way not to love this wonderful version of the story.
Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Okay, keep in mind that when it comes to the Muppets, I'm far from impartial. For a time in my life, I was absolutely obsessed with the fuzzy guys (pretty much from preschool to second year of college).
As a fan, I can assure you that not only is this one of the best Muppet movies, but it's a great version of the Christmas Carol as well, blessed by an amazing performance by Michael Caine, who not only makes Scrooge hilarious, but also deep and poignant as well. While coming in as my second favorite version overall, Caine's easily my favorite Scrooge, and starts the movie delightfully dry and cold, seething with bitterness and hatred underneath.
This version is fairly accurate, although it was livened up with the Muppets themselves, lots of random gags, and they made Scrooge a landlord rather than a moneylender, since it's a position and situation that kids are far more likely to understand.
Marley is split into the brothers Marley and Marley, so they can be played by both Statler and Waldorf. Despite adding a lot of jokes for laughs, the Henson studios do admittedly go the extra mile to show the pair as damned, in some sort of karmic retribution for heckling Fozzie all those years.
You shall not have joked in vain...
Kermit nails the part of Bob Cratchett (love his shaking), the ghost of Christmas past is delightfully creepy, Christmas present is delightfully strange, and future is...okay, pretty generic.
The scene where Scrooge's girlfriend leaves him in the past is quite sad and magical, again thanks to Caine's performance, but for some reason the song 'the love is gone' was edited out of the theatrical release, and only included in the video. I guess they figured they'd lose their young audience's attention, which is a shame since it's quite a touching song, ending with Scrooge singing along, and finally breaking down to tears, and with every second of it being believable, and absolutely wonderful.
Robin is yet another annoying Tiny Tim, the nephew is as generic as ever, and I have mixed feelings about Gonzo constantly interrupting as narrator along with Rizzo, but Scrooge's confrontation with Piggy at the end is classic.
Anyway, Michael Caine is god, and we should totally hang out together some time (call me!).
Scrooge (1951)
Far more dramatic then its counterparts, this b&w British version holds just the right amount of comic relief as well. Unlike the first entry, this version is not a musical, and includes a few of the more serious scenes which are usually omitted from the original screenplay, like Scrooge's sister dying, and the children of the world clutching to the Ghost of Christmas Present's legs.
Scrooge himself, played by Alistair Sim, is magnificent, providing a far more realistic and tragic figure then the musical, as his suffering seems far more genuine.
That said, this version is also a bit perplexing, as the poor and destitute Cratchett family...doesn't seem very poor and destitute.
That's a fairly nice house you live in Bob. Is that a painting on the wall? Well, you've certainly done all you possibly could to save Tim. I can see how selling the Rembrant would be a step too far.
Listen, I hate Tim as much as anyone, but this Tim isn't nearly as annoying as the ones that got songs.
You may live.
Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983)
A remarkably good portrayal of the Christmas Carol, and unlike the others, they achieve this in an amazingly concise 25 minutes. This short running length is achieved mostly by cutting out excess scenes and dialog (Mrs. Cratchett, played by Mini, doesn’t have any lines at all), but never does the story seem sparse or difficult to follow, even if it's your first time seeing it.
By some small mercy from the gods, Tiny Tim barely says anything, and as an added bonus, the graveyard scene is one of the most powerful out of all the versions of the story I’ve seen. Not only do they not beat you over the head with Tiny Tim’s death, but Black Pete is, hands down, the best ghost of Christmas Future of them all. He shows his face, lights a cigar, and laughs as Scrooge falls headfirst into hell.
Definitive? No way, but very to the point and enjoyable. It wouldn’t be the only version of the Christmas Carol I’d watch during the holidays, but I’d watch this one as well. At 25 minutes long, do you really have an excuse not to?
Scrooged (1988)
Not a traditional Christmas Carol, but an effective homage and modern day interpretation, as Bill Murray plays a heartless and hopelessly vain TV executive.
The ghosts are far more bitter and abusive than normal, which actually adds to the movie's charm, and although it's mainly a comedy, Murray puts heart and soul into the part, especially the ending, where Murray does what no other Scrooge did, damning the consequences in order to bring his message of hope and redemption to millions of viewers.
Best of all, Tim only has one line. Yeah, it's 'that' one.
THE LESSER VERSIONS
No need for pictures or lengthy descriptions here. These are the versions you might as well just avoid.
A Christmas Carol starring Jim Carrey (2009)
This version manages to be delightfully creepy and dark, but doesn't really add anything besides gross spectacle added to warrant its 3D ticket price. Also, Jim Carrey's ex-girlfriend is a psycho bitch (no, not Scrooge's, but the real one, Jenny 'Just Say No to Child Vaccinations' McCarthy).
Jetson's Christmas Carol (2000)
Not much here, except the fact that Astro is the sick one instead of Elroy, leading to the possibility of Astro dying (strangely believable enough to gain your attention) and of course leading to Astro delivering the story's final line, which was quite funny.
Flintstones Christmas Carol (1994)
Absolute crap.
Oh, is that an attempt at irony Fred? Oh, are you going to learn a valuable lesson? Congratulations Fred, you managed to make a Christmas Carol slightly less lame than the one you completely ripped off, the worst of them all...
Mr. Magoo Christmas Carol (1962)
Words fail me.
The songs were godawful, and the jokes were lame (the classic Magoo having a hard time seeing actually didn't come up that much). The Cratchett family song is always enough to push me over the edge, leading to my yearly attempt to impale myself on the Christmas tree.
Laugh if you like, but this Tiny Tim, singing about Rasselberry dressing, is enough to shatter even the merriest holiday soul. I would gladly duel this kid to death with crutches, and damn the consequences!
This version's only redeeming value is when Scrooge sees that he's dead, it isn't the fear of death or damnation that causes him to turn, but the fact that he dies alone, unloving and unloved, that finally breaks his heart.
This is by far the most existential moment I've seen Scrooge ever have in any version, as we see that although he's a bitter old man, he's still at heart a sad and lonely boy.
You know what? To hell with it, this is BETTER than the Flintstone's Christmas Carol, rasselberry dressing be damned.
What's that I hear you saying? "If you think you know so much about the Christmas Carol, why don't you just make one myself?" Hmm.....
-Starts black and then fades into the words, in festive trim,
"Robert Max Freeman's Ultimate Christmas Carol".
-Scrooge starts at his television executive job, smiling at himself in the mirror and then showing the board 'his' version of the Christmas Carol commercial.
-Uncle Scrooge's nephew Donald then shows up to bring him a wreath and invite him over to dinner for the holidays, only to get kicked out.
-Without any dialog from Gonzo or Rizzo, Bunson Honeydew and Beaker come in to ask for a donation from Scrooge, only to be kicked out. This scene continues on to Scrooge grudgingly (after delivering a great line 'be here at 8:00...but sir, it's Christmas...8:30 then') giving the staff the day off.
-On his way home, Scrooge (1970) collects debts from the people who owe him money, including the puppeteer and the stew salesman. The songs are edited down, since children can't sing worth a damn. We continue with this version right up until Jacob Marley shows up.
-Muppet Marley and Marley show up to torment Scrooge, telling of their plight, and that three ghosts will visit him. Again, all scenes of Gonzo and Rizzo are edited out. As the bell strikes one, the spooky ghost appears.
-We get the explaination of how 'looking into the past works' from Scrooged, and we continue until the dialog starts between Scrooge's family members.
-We BRIEFLY see the child version of Magoo Scrooge at school sing ONE verse of the song "I'm all alone in the world".
-School finishes out seriously in black and white, straight through the scene of Scrooge's sister dying.
-We see the short Fezziwig scene from Disney's cartoon version, with Uncle Scrooge making moves on Daisy (what would Donald think...now THAT'D be an interesting episode of Maury Povich!)
-Scrooge (played by Michael Caine) watches his young self talk with his girlfriend at the park, and looks on sadly as their love dies before his very eyes, and we continue through the song "The Love is Gone", and Scrooge returns to the present, where...
-The 1970's musical version of Scrooge's Ghost of Christmas present verbally smacks Scrooge around...
-...and the 'Scrooged' Ghost of Christmas present physically beats him up as well!
-There's a brief, heavily edited stop to his nephew's house from the 1970's musical.
-There's a brief, heavily edited stop to the Mickey Cratchett home.
-In black and white, the Ghost of Christmas present shows Scrooge the children of man and crushes Scrooge with a vicious delivery of 'are there no prisons are there no workhouses?'.
-Scrooge McDuck is greeted my the mysterious Ghost of Christmas Past.
-The debtors sing 'Thank You Very Much' for Scrooge.
-Scrooge McDuck finds himself at the graveyard, playing out the entire scene, ending with him falling into hell.
-In hell, Scrooge is tormented beyond belief and it's HILARIOUS!
-Before breaking down completely, Scrooge realizes that the worst tragedy is dying alone, never truly experiencing love and human kindness, and sings ONE verse of "I'm all alone in the world".
-Scrooge, wakes up back in Kansas...I mean in black and white, and scares the hell out of his cleaning lady.
-Scrooge runs into Bunson Honeydew and Beaker, donates a ridiculous sum of money, and receives a gift from Beaker in return.
-The redemption scene with him shopping is right out of the 1970's musical, with only a little bit of editing down for time, right until they get to the Cratchett home.
-Michael Caine is hilarious as he pulls Kermit and Piggy's leg, before revealing his new nature.
-Scrooge quickly goes back to his TV executive job and has a heavily edited (no girlfriend, brother, or Tiny Tim) redemption speech. Just as his girlfriend would show up...
-Scrooge runs into the debtors, starts doing a reprise of 'Thank You Very Much'. and finishes up completely as the 1970 musical, right up until...
-Astro says "Grahd Ress Us Every One!"
Oh, and Tiny Tim's dead.
Yup, just heard it on the news.
I wasn't there.
Ask Kym.
I was making waffles.
You weren't even there.
That isn't my bloody crutch.
I mean that isn't his bloody crutch.
I mean...GOTTA GO!
