2011 Summer Preview

Kym:

Rob and I have been stuck at home this past week, thanks to the blizzard hitting...well, everywhere besides Florida. So this week we're going to go over some of the upcoming Summer movies this year, starting with the long awaited...





Piranha 3DD


Rob:

Four stars! A triumph of the senses! If you only watch one soft core porno this...


*SMACK!*


Kym:

No chance, not after you conned me into going to the last one, or as I call it, 'Boobs 3D'.


Rob:

Still sounds like an endorsement to me. Anyway, my dear Kym obviously meant...




Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, part 2


Kym:

Alright! Is anyone not going to see this one? I have to be sure to set up my schedule so we can go as soon as possible.


Rob:

Right, opening night it is. We'll just go to the midnight showing and then...


Kym:

No, I meant like 'now'.


Rob:

What?


Kym:

I refuse to wait any longer! I'll get my coat. You pre-order the tickets.



Rob:

Uh...I'm pretty sure they haven't...


Kym:

I'll go warm up the car!

…





BREAKING DAWN


Kym:

This should be interesting.


Rob:

In the same way an autopsy is interesting. This book is about ten times more insane than all the other entries in the series. We're talking 'old testament' wacky! I still can't believe they're putting this on film.


Kym:

I can't believe Bella chose Edward over Jacob.


Rob:

Ah, here we go. The REAL reason millions of men are being dragged to the latest Twilight movie. Any you say I'm bad with Piranha 3D.


Kym:

Mmmm...Jacob 3D...


Rob:

The last Twilight movie was alright, so we'll have to see if this entry holds up. I hear it's going to be split into two movies like...you're still thinking of Jacob, aren't you? This should snap you out of it.

...





Justin Bieber: Never Say Never


Kym:

Gah!


Rob:

Sorry if going from Jacob to Bieber is a bit jarring, but they can't all be shirtless werewolves.


Kym:

More like: 'Never Say Yes'. Is he ever going to hit puberty?


Rob:

It's the hair. It's the source of his power.


Kym:

Maybe I should make you go see this. This, or Burlesque again.



Rob:

Dear Lord, I hope I never have to make that choice.

...




I am Number 4


Kym:

This sort of looks interesting. There's aliens and weird powers...



Rob:

I don't know. This strikes me as a typical 'he is the chosen one' sort of Matrix-lite movie. If the script called for someone in their 30's, we'd be staring at Keanu Reeve's face right now.

...




Rango


Kym:

This looks hilarious! It's a fun family movie set in the old west, only all the characters are desert animals. It stars Johnny Depp as Rango, and...


Rob:

You know, I really hope Johnny Depp doesn't start working with Adam Sandler, Vince Vaughn, or decide to remake Waiting for Godot.


Kym:

Are you insinuating something, dear?



Rob:

Nothing against the movie, as it does look very funny, and the animation is very impressive. Regardless, what I'm 'insinuating' is that they could remake 'My Dinner With Andre', and as long as it was Johnny Depp in the starring role, spending 15 minutes eating mushrooms, then we'd have fan girls lining up around the block to go see it.


Kym:

I'll go warm up the car.

...




Cowboys and Aliens


Rob:

There is absolutely nothing NOT to love about this movie. Aliens! Cowboys! Harrison Ford! Daniel Craig! Shootouts! Alien invasions! KABOOM! SWEEEEEEEEEEET!


Kym:

You know, you're sending mixed signals here, love. I'm not sure if the readers understand how you really feel about this movie.


Rob:

Ha ha. Anyway, like the Green Hornet's car, 'The Black Beauty', in order to possibly be any cooler, Cowboys and Aliens would have to involve dinosaurs in some way.



Kym:

It looks good to me too! I just hope Harrison Ford has a big part. It's neat to see him play the villain. He's very good at it, but he rarely ever gets the chance.

...




Scream 4


Rob:

Scream 4? Really? After all this time?


Kym:

Oh come on, the Scream movies are classic 90's! There's no way anyone in their 30's wouldn't want to see everyone back again.



Rob:

Yeah, but I'm not sure if there will be much to see. For those that aren't aware, at the end of Scream 3, right before the end credits, all the actor's/actress's careers were killed.


Kym:

Sigh...still, this looks like a lot of fun. Maybe it'll be about long awaited sequels, where they bring back all the old actors.


Rob:

And maybe someone out there will care.

...




Thor


Rob:

Speaking of the Scream movies (the first of which starred Henry Winkler), the Fonz is in the water with his skiis on and ready to jump the shark, as Marvel releases yet another Avenger movie. That said, the trailers actually look pretty good. It's just a matter of time though before they release another 'Hulk' (2003, not the 2008 one, which was good) and the superhero genre will go belly up again.


Kym:

Superhero movies are often hit or miss, but I like where they're going with this one. Instead of the usual superhero stereotypes, we have more of a fantasy-adventure movie, a lot of great special effects, and stars the 'godly' Chris Hemsworth.


Rob:

Ugh...all it takes is a shirtless hunk and you're already lined up for the movie. Perhaps every movie should have the male lead shirtless in the trailer, just to help you decide if you want to see it.


Kym:

Well maybe they should.


... (TO BE CONTINUED)


KYM SMACKED ROB WHEN…

At the beginning of the post, remember? With Piranha 3DD.

(Power rating: 33%)

First Post!

Rob:

It all started in 2008, when Kym and I went out to see ‘Max Payne’ in theatres, and we’ve been complaining about movies together ever since.


Kym:

Well not complaining, usually. It’s funny that our first date would turn out to be the worst movie we’ve seen together. Nevertheless, we continued going out together to see them.


Rob:

And right before seeing ‘The Town’, a very impressive crime-thriller where Ben Affleck shows us his impressive Directing ability…


Kym:

Which is a lot better than his acting ability.


Rob:

Ouch! Anyway, shortly before starting our customary ‘dinner and a movie’ night, I proposed to my dear Kym, and she said yes!


Kym:

So without further ado, we’ve decided to share our movie reviews with the rest of the world, and let you all know…


Rob:

If you liked ‘Max Payne’, chances are we don’t care for you as a person.


Kym:

Actually, I was going to tell them about your bizarre Shelley Duvall crush.



Rob:

She’s adorable! Anyway, I can’t help it any more than you can help your ‘Brandon Frasier’ thing.


Kym:

At least mine makes sense.

…





You decide.













…



BLACK SWAN


Kym:

It was hilarious!


Rob:

What?!


Kym:

I laughed all the way though!


Rob:

Good Lord! What’s wrong with you?!


Kym:

Huh? I thought Seth Rogan and Jay Chou were really good.


Rob:

Wait, Seth Rogan and…oh, sorry. My bad. Let’s start over.








THE GREEN HORNET


Rob:

Much better. You see I started working on this a little while ago and I forgot to change…you know what, let’s just move on.


Kym:

Do you want to go over Black Swan first? It was a really good horror-thriller.


Rob:

I mainly remember impressive ballet dancing and hot lesbian sex. I’m ready to talk about the latter for any length of time.


Kym:

On second though, let’s move on for now. The Green Hornet was a really funny action-comedy, with emphasis on the comedy.



Rob:

I’m not much of a Seth Rogan fan myself, aside from Pineapple Express, but he does a good job here. I liked his PG-13 variety of comedy, which worked really well within the premise of the film.


Kym:

Except his usual drug and sex jokes were replaced with non-stop hits to the groin. I lost count of how many were there. At least 10 episodes of America’s Funniest Home Videos Worth.



Rob:

Nevertheless, it was good. I also really liked Jay Chou as Kato. They gave his character quite a bit of depth and jokes of his own, when they could have easily just made him the straight man. Hans Landa…


Kym:

Christoph Waltz.


Rob:

Doh! Yes, I mean Christoph Waltz (man, it’s going to be hard to think of him as anything besides a charming, well spoken Nazi) really steals the show as the vicious, yet sensitive villain. I like how he slowly adapts his own super-persona is the movie goes along, just because he feels a little jealous of the Green Hornet’s fame.


Kym:

He seemed to be having a lot of fun with his part. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that everyone involved was having a lot of fun.



Rob:

Cameron Diaz, however, was a bit of an odd addition to the movie. She did a good job, but it’s not the actress I expected to see, considering she’s about a decade older than Seth Rogan.


Kym:

Still, she worked well. I like how they didn’t just stick her in as the usual ‘hero’s girlfriend’ as they normally do. A lot of the movie was very original.


Rob:

I think it helped that they designed the movie more as a comedy than a superhero movie. That way they managed to avoid some of the usual superhero conventions. No one said anything about ‘with great responsibility’, and although the main character’s father is killed, he goes through most of the movie hating him. It’s quirky, offbeat, and unique. I liked it.


Kym:

Which is strange, since so many critics didn’t like it at all.


Rob:

Yeah, I thought that was weird too. It only got a 46% on Rotten Tomatoes, and most critics were giving it somewhere around the ballpark of a D+ to a C-. Pretty strange, considering that everyone I know who saw it, loved it.


Kym:

Everyone you know is a geek, dear.


Rob:

Not all of them! Even decidedly normal and well adjusted people all seemed to really like The Green Hornet. So why no love from the critics? Are they that out of touch with the viewing public?


Kym:

Maybe we’re just ahead of the curve.


Rob:

One can only hope. Anything else we forget to mention?


Kym:

Their car, the ‘Black Beauty’ was amazing. It put the Batmobile to shame.


Rob:

The only way it could’ve been cooler is if it transformed into a dinosaur.


Kym:

The only real downside of the movie was the 3D, which was sort of lame. They only really took advantage of it in a few scenes of the movie, including the end credits. It was only tacked on as an easy way to add three bucks to the movie ticket, and that was the only way our theatre was showing it.


Rob:

All in all, we’re just nitpicking here. It’s a great comedy, with a lot of action and just as much fun. If a critic you know gives it a low rating, then just do what our good old friend the Green Hornet would!


Kym:

Kick him in the balls.


Rob’s final score (School Style): B+

Kym’s final score (Buy/Rent/Ignore): Buy


KYM SMACKED ROB WHEN…

(For those that don’t know, Rob usually says something during the course of every movie that gets him smacked on the leg. How hard depends on how bad he’s being.)

*Cameron Diaz meets the main characters for the first time, and they both stare at her lustfully*

Rob: “Wowwwwwwww……you’re old enough to be our mom!”

SMACK! (Power rating: 25%)