Prometheus Spoiler Alert: The Aliens Sort of Look Like 'Thingies' and 'Ding Dongs'

Rob:

Yup, in a Scooby Doo-like reveal, we discover the truth: the aliens did it.

Kym:

You don't say.


Rob:

And that evil corporation?  Is EVIL.


Kym:

Our continuing disappointment with Summer movies (starting with Snow White and the Huntsman) continues with the over-hyped Prometheus.


Rob:
 
Personally, I wouldn't go that far.  The movie has some absolutely gorgeous cinematography, special effects, and wonderful atmosphere.

Kym:

Meh.


Rob:

...that's it?  Just Meh?


Kym:

Meh.


Rob:

It's going to be a really short post if that's all you have to say.


Kym:

Alright, it was also really long.

 Even the aliens were long.

Rob:

Well there was a...okay, the movie was indeed really long.  But there were a lot of important plot elements to get through.


Kym:

Why?  It's supposed to be a monster movie.  As much as geeks of the world love the Alien series, it's at its heart a series of monster movies.  Some of them are great monster movies, in the same way Psycho was a great thriller-slasher, and the Birds was a great disaster movie, but for a series that's supposed to be about monsters, there were way too many scenes of people talking, and not enough monsters.

  

 Can you guess what's missing from the above picture?  Hint: it's monster related.

Rob:

Well you sort of have to take the...okay, there weren't nearly as many monsters as I'd hoped.  And the monsters that were there didn't seem to mesh with the rest of the movie.  It's as if the movie originally contained none, and the film executives held Ridley Scott at gunpoint until he added some.

Or Fruedian-monster-point.  Whatever Works

Kym:

Despite my hubby to be liking the atmosphere, as a non-geek (I hope, he's rubbing off on me) I just wasn't thrilled or interested enough to enjoy it past the first hour.  Even the big alien fight at the end didn't really do much for me.  I just kept thinking: Thor would kick that monster's ass.

Not being Chris Hemsworth has its consequences.

Rob:

The scariest scene was actually the infamous 'c-section' scene, which somehow manages to be even MORE terrifying than your average c-section.


Kym:

Aside from that disturbing scene (and how odd it was that no one besides the android acknowledges that the whole alien baby thing even happened), the movie was actually pretty predictable.  Despite not having quite enough action scenes and monsters (at least in a way that was interesting or made sense) it pretty much followed your standard horror movie plot.  They split up, picked off one by one, and then only the girl lives.  It's horror without the horror.


Rob:


I still have to disagree.  Overall, I still like the movie, although it pales in comparison to Alien 1...then again, every other Alien movie really does.  It just seems like a theme that only works well when kept low key.  I didn't even like Aliens (Alien 2) that much.  Your buddy James Cameron didn't 'do it' for me that time.  He won't get my $15 for that blu-ray.



Kym:

That's okay, I'm pretty sure he's got enough cash without it.

Rob:

And there goes my buzz....

Kym:

I didn't see this one with Rob, who went with his little sister.  I'll have to defer to his opinion for this one.


Rob:

It was better than the first two, although that's sort of like saying that the sinus surgery I had was better than the dental surgery.  There was a great 10 minute chase scene in the beginning though, involving a hilariously evil French chic who's channeling Professor Umbridge.

Rob:

After that it was just two 'okay' music numbers, and then....

Rob:

For about an hour or so, bringing us to the cornerstone of the Madagascar series: ridiculously racist caricatures!  We have the over the top 'minstrel' show above...

Rob:

Followed by the obsequious Italian idiot, with an accent so thick that it's dripping Marinara sauce....

Rob:

Followed by a hard drinking Russian (okay, it's soup in the movie, but they play it up as if it were booze) and the 'British asshole that hates everthing' archetypes that reality TV and food shows can't seem to get enough of as the puppies.  Wonderful.


Kym:

It really wasn't that bad, was it?

Kym:

Uh...

Rob: 

Yeah, you just try and get the 'circus afro' song out of your head.  You can't.  It's scientifically impossible.


Kym:

Still, I've heard it was at least a bit funny.


Rob:

A tiny bit funny.  The penguins were funny, as usual.  It wasn't good enough to warrant the ticket cost though, especially if you plan to see it in 3D.  If you can, try and stall the kids in your family until Brave comes out.

Kym:



Which is this week!  We're going to the dine-in theater!


 
Rob: 

So we're going to the theater that serves booze for 'Brave' and NOT 'Madagascar 3'?!  


Kym:


Sorry, love.



Rob:

Oh, the irony.....




Kym:

Don't worry, my guess is this will be the last of the Madagascar movies.  I mean, they've pretty much been everywhere at this point, right?


Rob:

Yeah, the only racist accents they have left are Australian and Asian...which are both found in the South Pacific....

(I can't believe we're having so many wacky adventures in the South Pacific!)

Rob:

My God.  The horror...the horror...

"Blankly Staring Forward with Lips Parted": Kristen Stewart's Comprehensive Guide to Acting

Kym:

Rob and I went to a see a triple feature this weekend...well, not a true triple feature.  It was two movies on Sunday, and one on Monday.


Rob:

Sunday was a lot of fun!  We went out for brunch with my family, saw a movie, then went out for dinner, and then saw another movie.


Kym:

Some called us mad, but a whole day at the movies is paradise for us, beginning with...

Rob:

YES YES AWESOME AGAIN. 


Kym:

The nice thing about having a movie out in theaters that you truly love is that you can keep going every week, confident that you'll be seeing a great movie every time.


Rob:

Of course, this can be a problem if you write a movie review blog, as you can't simply repeat the same review over and over...can you?  It'd make our jobs a lot easier if we can.




Kym:

Afraid not, love.  So this week we'd like to briefly focus on one of the technical aspects of the film.  Too often do the smaller details of films go unnoticed, despite the tremendous amount of work going into them.


Rob:

Specifically, we'd like to focus on all the film's amazing asses.

(special thanks/blame to Kevin Bolk, for the picture)

Kym:

No question, an incredible amount of training and effort is required to get an ass as beautifully sculpted as Chris Evan's.

Kym:

I know I'm usually drooling over Chris Hemsworth, but he doesn't really spend any time out of his armor, and neither does Robert Downey Junior.  Mark Ruffalo is partial to baggy shorts.  Captain America, however....


Rob:


She likes Cap's ass, and she cannot lie.



Kym:

Sorry Thor, but you just don't show enough.


Rob:


Hey!  Don't I get an apology too?  You're lusting over Cap while I'm innocently...oh who am I kidding.

Rob:

Guilty as charged.  YOWZA!


Kym:

Well, with all that shameless drooling out of the way, let's move on to the next film...

Rob:

And there goes my buzz....

Rob:

Nevermind, it's back again.


Kym:

I'm sure Charlize Theron turned a lot more heads as the evil queen then Kristen Stewart did as Snow White.  Not only drooling men, like my beloved shameless hubby to be, but also regular moviegoers, as Charlize gave a very impressive performance as the cold, calculating queen.  Kristen Stewart on the other hand....

Rob:

Was physically present.  I guess. 

(get used to that facial expression)

Rob:


The woman acts as if she's stoned most of the time, and given her personal history, it's probably not a coincidence.  Whether it's Bella, Snow White, in mortal terror, in deep love, unconscious, giving birth, or eating a sandwich, the above expression is the one you can always count on seeing.



Kym:

I have to disagree, I thought she gave an alright performance.  Admittedly, it's only good when you compare it to how she usually does.  She is improving.


Rob:

'Improving' and 'not that bad' are alright if you're cast as the main character's best friend, or you're guest starring on network TV, but as the headliner for a 170 million budget movie, I'm surprised they didn't go with a stronger actress, rather than just hope that Twilight hype would do more for them. 


Kym:

The bet paid off though.  The movie's making money hand over fist!  Well, enough stalling, let's move on to the dreamy Chris Hemsworth!

Kym:

Uh...

Rob: 

Well look who's slumming.  


Kym:

Damn it!  Although still handsome, Chris stays fully clothed, dark haired, and caked in mud for most of the movie!  Why doesn't he take his shirt off anymore?!  What's he waiting for?! 


Rob:

Top billing, apparently.  Anyway, Chris gives a good performance, adding more depth to the movie, as Kristen mulls around the background, mumbling something about her father and snacking on Funyons, while the rest of the male cast obsesses over how wonderful she is.

(pictured above: perfection....apparently)

Kym:



Yeah, while most of the actors/actresses in the film give strong and entertaining performances, Kristen Stewart spends most of the time simply acting like herself.  No acting, no emotions, just her own basic personality.  


 
Rob: 

It's almost the opposite of method acting.  It's a complete and utter refusal to get into character, in any circumstance.  I believe MST3K refers to this technique as 'Not Acting'.  She just wanders around as herself, and you know what?  She really isn't anyone that special.  Shatner and T-pain can get away with that, but Kristen doesn't have nearly enough personality.  She's just that chick you know.  The one who smokes a lot of pot, listens to Radiohead, and only dates psycho jerks.  


Kym:


This aside, the performances in the movie were quite good, and the action scenes weren't anything to sneeze at either...leaving us with the main problem of the movie: it's complete and utter lack of originality.



Rob:

To be fair, we all knew from the start that this would not be a completely original story, but based on a timeless, classic tale...

Rob:

Seriously.  They barely changed anything, right down to the evil soldier's outfits.  Let's count this off:

1. We have a child destined to kill the evil queen
2. The queen's a spell-casting witch hiding inside an impenetrable fortress
3. Heroes are joined by a shady warrior anti-hero with a dark past
4. A Helpful magical spirit of the forest, surrounded by pixies, blesses our hero
5. The heroes spend the first 1/2 of the movie avoiding capture
6. What's left of the good guys gather into a heroic army and...
7. Storm the castle, thanks to a plan hatched by the little people of the group
8. After fighting off many bad guys, the anti-hero proves he is a worthy hero
9. They all make it the witch's final chamber, and kill her, fulfilling the prophecy
10. The missing princess is returned, and becomes the new queen.


Kym:

Please tell me you had to look all that up.


Rob:

Uh...maybe?


Kym:


Or is my beloved fiance a complete geek?


Rob:

Better than being a stupid Daikini.
 

Kym:

Case in point.  Anyway, the movies are indeed INCREDIBLY similar, but they didn't stop there.  The bat-like monsters of the forest look like the Dementors from Harry Potter.  The dwarves are basically a mix between the hobbits and Gimli of Lord of the Rings, who all spend a long time marching through the scenic wilderness, just like in that same movie. 



Rob:

Hollywood is constantly redoing fairy tales, but the idea of taking a Brothers Grimm tale and redoing it, focusing on an evil queen using a magic mirror to help her drain the essence from young girls, is directly from the relatively recent Ledger/Damon movie Brothers Grimm.   Hell, witches draining the youth from young girls goes all the way back to Hocus Pocus.

(Thankfully, Bette Midler and Kathy Najimy didn't opt for a milk bath.)

Kym:

I wish that were the only examples, but the brave cavalry charge on the beach near the end of the movie is right out of Russell Crowe's Robin Hood, and the whole love triangle between Snow White, the Prince and the Huntsman is a shameless attempt to recreate the success of Twilight.


Rob: 

I honestly can't recall ever seeing a less original movie in theaters.  It's like they used Willow for the frame, and then shoved into a few dozen other films inside.   What a disappointment.



Kym:

Again, the performances were still pretty good, and the film was 'adequately' entertaining, but it's so much less than I hoped for, making it the "Cowboys and Aliens" of this summer.  To make matters even worse, they end the movie without resolving the love/relationship plots!


Rob:

They're obviously setting things up for possible sequels, Hunger Games style...not that it'll be that difficult of a choice for her.

Rob:

Not since Kia Soul commercials, with dancing hamsters comparing cars to giant toasters, has someone had such an easy decision to make.


Kym:

After leaving moderately disappointed, we went back to the movies the next day to see...

Rob:


No question, MiB3 was a BIG improvement over the second one, not only in sheer entertainment value, but also in the quality of the story.  It manages to be funny while still being exciting, which can be a tough line to ride. 


Kym:

Josh Brolin's officially forgiven for Jonah Hex.


Rob:

His portrayal of a young Tommy Lee Jones is downright EERIE.  He gets the part perfect, right down to voice, mannerisms, and even the way Jones moves!  Nothing short of amazing.



Kym:


I loved the special effects, which were impressive, and never felt out of place or unrealistic.  Even at its low points (MiB2), the series has always been great at immersion, using puppets and sets whenever possible, rather than relying solely on CGI.  It pays off, especially in the scenes taking place in the 60's.


Rob:

Not only does the world outside feel very authentic (nice little touches, like men wearing old-style glasses), but the aliens themselves all take on a retro look, looking far more like the creatures from 50's and 60's low budget alien movies.  Gotta love it!


Kym:

There were a couple slow parts here and there, mostly involving people sitting and talking, and/or refusing to tell Jay what's going on, but it isn't enough to hurt the movie.  This movie's filled with thrills from start to finish!



Rob:

Thanks largely in part to Jemaine Clement (who was relatively obscure up to this point) as Boris the Animal, a great villain that manages to be absolutely vicious, while still remaining funny, a VERY difficult feat to accomplish (unless you're British or Darth Vader).  Think Tim Curry combined with a Giger Alien.

(Are you imagining him with Dr. Franknfurter's voice?  I bet you are.)

Rob:


I also really liked Michael Stuhlbarg as Griffin.  It's difficult to play the 'all knowing wise man' type without coming off as pretentious.

  

(What a prick)

Kym:

Griffin manages to be a complete enigma, while still staying innocent and vulnerable at the same time.  He's a delightful, almost childlike character, and added a lot to the movie.  As much as we were disappointed by Snow White and the Hunksman...



Rob:

Little bit of a slip there, honey.


Kym:

I stand by the statement...anyway, Men in Black 3 was absolutely delightful, and far more entertaining then we'd expected, given the under-performing MiB 2.


Rob:

To be fair, I think MiB 2 has a bit of a bad rep.  It wasn't terrible at all, merely disappointing.  Will Smith and Tommy Lee were as entertaining and funny as ever.  It was just the plot and villain (main features: tentacles, breasts, the acting ability of 0.5 Kristen Stewarts) that were lacking, and overall way too immature and goofy to really work.


Kym:


MiB3 is MUCH better, and almost on par with the first.  I still think the originality and humor of MiB 1 still makes it the best of the series, but we have a worthy sequel in the theaters.  So get out there and see it!



Rob:

Then see Avengers again.



Kym:

Like four or five more times.  At least.