God Bless You Nicolas Cage, Wherever You Are....

Kym:

This week, we're going to do something a little different.



Rob:

We'll be reviewing movies we haven't seen!  I'll start with "Gone With the Wind", which was complete and utter horse shi....


Kym:

No, we'll be doing something a lot better...or at least saner.  Although I do like your idea too.  I never saw "Army of Darkness", but I already know that it's terrible.


Rob:

"The Bridge on the River Kwai" could've used more full frontal nudity.  I mean, it did have a lot, but it could have used more.


Kym:

The only part I liked in "Kill Bill" was when Lucy Liu and Uma Thurmon both fell into that active volcano.


Rob: 

"Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" needed less cannibalism.  And realistically, I don't think Jimmy Stewart's body could've fed both houses of Congress.  Not unless they filled up on bread first. 

Kym:

Why don't we stop there.


Rob:

Okie dokie.
 

Kym:

Let's move on to our retro reviews.  This week we didn't see a new movie (due to one last trip to see Avengers...yup, we went yet again, and regret nothing), so instead we'll be going over a few old forgotten favorites.  If you haven't seen these, I highly recommend seeing the Avengers again.

Rob:

Uh, don't you mean....

Kym:

And after you get home, check out some of these old favorites.  The theme this week: action/adventure comedies!

Kym:

Remember when Nicolas Cage made good movies?


Rob:

Of course I remember Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance!

(Awesome!)

Kym:

Remember when Nicolas Cage made movies a normal person would consider good?



Rob:

The 'flaming industrial vehicle' alone was well worth the price of admission!

(And the Academy Award goes to...)

 
Kym:

Anyway, as a rational human being (I hope), I'm talking about National Treasure, another fun action-comedy with a 'Davinci Code' meets 'Indiana Jones' meets 'Nic Cage's never-ending need for cash' sort of movie.  Seriously, what does he spend the money on?

Rob:

Incredibly expensive Elvis memorabelia.  Including the one-of-a-kind "Elvis' daughter", in near-mint condition!

Kym:

I know people often give Nick a hard time, but his choice of starring roles aside, he is a good actor, bordering on 'excellent' as long as the part requires his special brand of crazy enthusiasm.

(Why yes, I'd love to star in an all-nude remake of Ishtar!  Set in post-apocalyptic L.A.? Perfect!)

Rob:

Indeed.  This time, he's brought us a very fun adventure movie revolving around America's forefathers, and clues they left to help point the way to a hidden treasure.  Yeah, it's a bit hokey, but it's a lot of fun, with plenty of great action scenes, and a great performance by Sean Bean as the villain.  Let's just get this out of the way...

(One does not simply walk into the Smithsonian....)

Kym:

Glad you got that out of your system, love.  Anyway, the movie probably could've used a little more action, a few more special effects, and some sort of fight in the finale, but despite it's minor drawbacks, it's a really fun action-adventure movie.


Rob:

Hell, the collapsing staircase scene is better than anything in Indiana Jones 4.


Kym:

It doesn't take much to be better than Indiana Jones and the F*cking Crystal Alien Skull.


Rob:

I actually didn't think Indy 4 was that bad.  It had its moments, and the same fun feel as the rest of the series.  I do wish they introduced a grown up Short Round as a sidekick instead of shoe-horning Shia Labeouf in there, but I liked the reintroduction of Marian, and I give Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull the highest score that any critic gave it! (C+)

Kym:

If you're not familiar with the plot, Leonardo DiCaprio stars in the real life tale of one of the most successful con men in history, who impersonated an airline pilot, a doctor, and a lawyer, and forged hundreds of fake checks, all before turning 19.  Tom Hanks is a member of the FBI anti-check fraud division, trying to catch him.

Let's be honest, you'd trust this guy too.

Rob:

And re-catch him...and re-catch him.  Part of what makes the story fun and engaging is how many real life escapes this guy made, and since he's defrauding rich investors and the government, it never feels like he's really hurting anyone.  Leo's great performance, combined with a lot of character background, really helps you get to know his character.  They also build up the sympathy by showing how scared he is all the time, and all his father's financial problems.


Kym:

Yeah, there's a WHOLE LOT of character background, leading us to the movie's only really flaw: it's length.  Despite being a fun caper comedy-drama, it does drag, then again it's not so easy to cut things out when it's based on real life. 


Rob:

They probably didn't need to spend quite so much time with Tom Hanks though.  Although I must say that he does do a very good job as the neurotic pencil-pushing Joe Friday-like character.  He's the perfect straight man to Dicaprio's hilarious antics.  As the old saying goes, this is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.


Kym:

There's a whole lot of bouncing?




Rob:

Yup. 


Kym:

I also like the unique 60's feel of the film.  They got every small detail done right, just like MiB 3 did earlier this summer.  Once again, we feel like we're back fifty years ago.

Rob:

Unlike MiB 3, however, we see a lot more of residential life in the 60's.  We see the beautiful TWA and Pan-Am airports too, of course, but I really liked how authentic everyone's homes and hotel rooms looked.  It really added a lot to the story.  Of course, at a 150ish minute run time, 'adding' to it may not be the best thing.

Kym:

Well, at least it'll get you warmed up for Breaking Dawn part 2.  What's that going to be, 25 hours long?



Rob:

Actually, I heard they're splitting it into 100 movies, each 15 minutes long.


Kym:

*Sigh*....Jacob better be in every damn one!

Kym:

I recently showed this to Rob, which he'd never seen before.

Rob: 

I had seen the lead actress Elisabeth Shue before though.

 

Kym:

Ugh...and here I thought we'd get through a post without including your lechery and dirty pictures.


Rob:

My Cal Ripken Jr.-like streak continues!


Kym:



Adventures in Babysitting includes a fully clothed Elisabeth Shue...


 
Rob: 

More than fully clothed!  She was wearing around 20 layers!  She looked like a grandmother Christmas shopping.


Kym:


Serves you right.  Anyway, this was Chris Columbus' breakout hit, with a cast of relatively unknowns, in a story revolving around babysitting and a trip to the city (Chicago, I believe) gone terribly terribly wrong.



Rob:

More like Chicago after the apocalypse.  Seriously, why do movies in the 80's portray the big city as a dystopian nightmare, filled with junkies, gun-toting maniacs, hookers, and homeless psychopaths every 10 feet?




Kym:

I think Chris Columbus did that more often than most directors, probably to heighten the sense of danger, and as a way to show how kids perceive the big city, rather than how it really is.


Rob:


I don't know.  The inhabitants of the big city seem to be portrayed in a way that seems more than a little bit racist to me.

Kym: 

Great, Rob's getting ready to go on one of THOSE rants.  Everybody settle in.

Rob:

It's just that every black character is some sort of criminal...

Kym: 

The people in the Blues club weren't.

Rob:

Alright, they weren't, but pretty much everyone else was.  Perhaps Chris Columbus was more than a little bit racist himself.  The fact that Home Alone 1 + 2 includes no significant minority characters adds to my suspicion, especially for Home Alone 2, which takes place in New York!  The inhabitants of real New York are about 40% White, 25% Black, 25% Latino, and 10% Asian.  In comparison, Chris Columbus' version of New York is as white as the driven snow...
 

Kym: 

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Rob:

Okay, I see your point.  The last thing the internet needs is yet another rant about racism, but I think it was overt enough here to hurt the movie a little.  There's a fine line between saying 'the big city is scary' and 'the big city is filled with scary minorities'.  I did enjoy the movie, but I found parts of it a little offensive.

Kym:

I'm surprised that's all you found offensive.  It's interesting to see how much 'raunchier' family comedies were in the 80's.  There's countless casual references to sex, guys calling other guys 'homos', an oral sex joke (haven't heard one of those since the Clinton Administration), college skanks, plenty of booze, prostitutes, and all kinds of debauchery!  Home Alone seems ridiculously tame by comparison.  Hard to believe it's by the same director.

Rob: 

Yeah, all things considered, it's a fun comedy, with a few moments that seem embarrassing in an 80's sort of way, but I guess that's all part of the fun.  

Kym: 

It's one of my favorite 'dumb fun' movies, which I watched constantly when I was young.  Rob had Clue, I had this.  Still, it's not only a funny movie, but a great 'time capsule' film, showing us the 80's just before it became the 90's, when you still had starlets like Molly Ringwald, and Thor was still for kids and geeks only.  Also, that kid who called Thor a 'homo' better watch out!  Thor will kick your ass!

Rob:

Indeed!  Not only is Thor not a homo, but neither is Chris Hemsworth.  In fact, he just had a baby girl (for some reason named 'India') with his incredibly hot wife.  That little girl will one day grow up to be so attractive she'll just enslave us all with mind control!

Kym:

No fair!  I want a guy that hunky too!

Rob:

You heard her, Chris!  Get on that.

...

FINAL RATINGS:

National Treasure:

Rob's rating (school style): B

Kym's rating (rent/buy/ignore): buy on blu ray, but wait for a deal

Catch Me If You Can:

 

Rob's rating: A-

Kym's rating: buy

Adventures in Babysitting:

Rob's Rating: B-

Kym's Rating: if you grew up in the 80's then buy, otherwise rent it first (Netflix should have it)

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance: 

Rob's Rating: C+

Kym's Rating: Seriously?


(Rob: It's as good as Indiana Jones 4.)

(Kym: No argument there.)

Spider 'Meh', Spider 'Meh', Does Whatever a Toby Maguire Can...

Rob:

Deja-vu.


Kym:

Yeah, I definitely get the feeling that we've experienced all this before...say, 10 years ago, with a better cast.


Rob:

I know the Amazing Spiderman is getting some flak for being a reboot only 5 years after Spiderman 3, but what really annoyed me is that it's not merely a reboot, but practically a scene for scene remake of Spiderman 1.  The only omission was the lack of Kirsten Dunst's nipples, a grievous plot hole if you ask me.  Emma Stone needs to get on that, asap.


Kym:

Your lechery aside, there were quite a few plot holes, which is surprising given the movie's 2 hour and 15 minute run time.  That's 15 minutes longer than Spiderman 1, and yet we seem to get far less plot.  For example, why is Peter Parker such a loner/misfit?  He's charming, smart, and rides a skateboard. 


Rob: 

That's not  a description of a social outcast, that's Donatello the ninja turtle.

(We are a single spider bite away from the greatest Spiderman reboot ever)

Kym:

At least Toby Maguire seemed 'geeky'...and plausibly 18.  Our main heroes both look about 5 years too old for the part.  If the story took place in college, it would've made more sense.  Also, we have yet another movie world with no authority figures in school. 


Rob:

Where bullies freely beat the crap out of the nerds, and then go to the teacher's lounge for some high-fives and a beer.


Kym:

Oh and...spoiler alert (good guys win, hero learns important life lesson, extra scene after credits sets up sequel, etc) where did Gwen Stacey get the cure from?  She makes it, but they never really explain how she suddenly knows how to make the cure.  


Rob:

Then in the worst plot hole yet, Peter Parker looks up something on the internet using 'Bing'.


Kym:

Madness!




Rob:

Aside from plot gripes, I also have some complaints with the villain.  You see, one thing the movie does right, and very well, is use practical effects for most of the stunts and action scenes.  Instead of just using CGI, like Michael Bay, they take notes from Chris Nolan, using real life effects whenever possible. 


Kym:

Yet for some reason, this is our villain:

  

Rob:

Well that's....very mediocre CGI.  Would it have killed them to use latex masks and puppetry instead?  I think the movie would've been a lot better that way.  Hell, Green Goblin wore a mask, and he looked great.  Also, the darker, more realistic atmosphere of the movie would have held up a lot better if Spiderman wasn't kickboxing with a cartoon lizard.  Hell, the lizard-man effects aren't even as believable as lizards from Super Mario Brothers the movie!

(Dennis Hopper was born to play a lizard)

Kym:

All our griping aside, it wasn't a bad movie, or even that disappointing a movie.  It's just not that good of a movie.  The action is good in most places, especially the scenes involving Spiderman himself, but the plot took no risks, hitting every plot point from Spiderman 1, and really showed us nothing new.

Rob:

Hell, at least 'Turn Off the Dark' has that one amazing stunt.  You know, the one where he leaps sideways towards the audience and lands on his neck?  Now that's entertainment!


Kym:

*Sigh*....so much for becoming a serious movie blog. 

Rob:

It took a while, but we finally got to see Brave.  Our attempts were nearly thwarted by the theater randomly closing because of a backed up sewage system, we had to drive far into the opposite direction, and I nearly had to take hostages, but we finally saw Pixar's new movie, and it was delightful!


Kym:

Merida and the rest of her family made for very interesting characters and a wonderful story, with enough action to keep the guys in the audience interested.


Rob:

The thing I really love about Pixar movies is their attention to detail.  You can actually see the fuzz on their clothing, and tiny faded scars that are only visible up close.  It's tiny details like these that elevates most Pixar movies above regular animated/CGI films, and to the point of being art.  The only complaints I had were that the story was pretty standard for a disney/fantasy/princess sort of story...

 
Kym:

I see nothing wrong with that, and unlike normal Disney princesses, Merida doesn't need a prince.  She's a strong, independent young woman, but it doesn't come off as being forced or pandering.  It all seems quite natural, and works very well with the rest of the story.

Rob:

My other complaint was with Merida's head.  In some scenes (like in the picture above), there's just something off about its shape, and she's realistic enough otherwise to bring us a bit into the 'uncanny valley' area.  Her mom, Elinor looks better....a lot better.  In fact, Merida's mom has got it goin' on.

(Merida can't you see, you're just not the girl for me...)

Kym:

I'm used to your normal lechery, dear, but it goes a bit far when you include poor innocent Disney characters.  Remember our trip to Disney World?

Rob:

For the record, I behaved myself completely....but good Lord, you should've seen some of the actresses dressed up as princesses.  The park enforces an 'absolutely no touching the princesses' rule with the adult guys, and I can see why.  Not only are they great actresses, but they look like super models!

(Or in Jasmine's case, Porn Stars)

Kym:

I don't think any of this is helping your case, dear.


Rob:

Oh well, at least I had an excuse to look up pictures of hot princesses.  There's a lot more of them then you'd think.


Kym:

I'll take your word for it.

(Despite Kym taking my word for it, I felt it was important to include this, for scientific purposes)

Kym:

Garbage.  Complete garbage.

Rob: 

Breaks my heart, it really does.  You can't understand how much I was looking forward to seeing this.  I mean, it's Abraham Lincoln fighting vampires with a silver axe!  The axe even has an inbuilt gun!  How can you possibly go wrong with a premise like that?!


Kym:

They took the premise dead serious, and then used ridiculous CGI special effects, on par in both quality and subtlety as 'Van Helsing'.


Rob:

All that would have been fine, if they'd just kept the whole thing campy.  It's Cowboys and Aliens all over again (see our August 2011 post for more details).  They're handed the perfect setup for a campy action-comedy, in the same spirit of Zombieland, and instead they try to make the film dead serious. 


Kym:



How could they possibly think that 'Abraham Lincoln fighting the undead' was the perfect setup for a serious action movie? 


 
Rob: 

To give you an idea how over the top the action is, there's a scene where *spoiler alert* (Abraham Lincoln kills vampires) where a vampire throws a horse at Lincoln, and Abraham not only catches the horse with his hands, but spins it around and jumps on it in one fluid motion.


Kym:


You know what?  This was a worse movie than Cowboys and Aliens.  At least that had star power, decent special effects, and a great performance from Harrison Ford.



Rob:

Don't forget Daniel Craig, the most British cowboy in the old west!




Kym:

Uh...don't remind me.  Still better than vampire hunting Abe Lincoln.  Another strike-out, to go along with Snow White and the Huntsman, Prometheus, Dark Shadows, and Battleship.


Rob:



If it weren't for Avengers, Men in Black 3, and Brave, we may have had no good movies to go to at all, and I may have suffered a fate worse than death....

Kym: 

Bad for YOU, maybe :-) 

Rob:

Not today, McConaughey.  Not today....

...

(We've forgotten to do our rating for a little while, so here's its triumphant return)

The Amazing Spiderman:

Rob's rating (school style): B-

Kym's rating (rent/buy/ignore): buy on blu ray, but wait for a sale

Brave:

 

Rob's rating: A

Kym's rating: buy on blu ray, ASAP

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter:

Rob's Rating: D-

Kym's Rating: pretend it didn't happen