Spider 'Meh', Spider 'Meh', Does Whatever a Toby Maguire Can...

Rob:

Deja-vu.


Kym:

Yeah, I definitely get the feeling that we've experienced all this before...say, 10 years ago, with a better cast.


Rob:

I know the Amazing Spiderman is getting some flak for being a reboot only 5 years after Spiderman 3, but what really annoyed me is that it's not merely a reboot, but practically a scene for scene remake of Spiderman 1.  The only omission was the lack of Kirsten Dunst's nipples, a grievous plot hole if you ask me.  Emma Stone needs to get on that, asap.


Kym:

Your lechery aside, there were quite a few plot holes, which is surprising given the movie's 2 hour and 15 minute run time.  That's 15 minutes longer than Spiderman 1, and yet we seem to get far less plot.  For example, why is Peter Parker such a loner/misfit?  He's charming, smart, and rides a skateboard. 


Rob: 

That's not  a description of a social outcast, that's Donatello the ninja turtle.

(We are a single spider bite away from the greatest Spiderman reboot ever)

Kym:

At least Toby Maguire seemed 'geeky'...and plausibly 18.  Our main heroes both look about 5 years too old for the part.  If the story took place in college, it would've made more sense.  Also, we have yet another movie world with no authority figures in school. 


Rob:

Where bullies freely beat the crap out of the nerds, and then go to the teacher's lounge for some high-fives and a beer.


Kym:

Oh and...spoiler alert (good guys win, hero learns important life lesson, extra scene after credits sets up sequel, etc) where did Gwen Stacey get the cure from?  She makes it, but they never really explain how she suddenly knows how to make the cure.  


Rob:

Then in the worst plot hole yet, Peter Parker looks up something on the internet using 'Bing'.


Kym:

Madness!




Rob:

Aside from plot gripes, I also have some complaints with the villain.  You see, one thing the movie does right, and very well, is use practical effects for most of the stunts and action scenes.  Instead of just using CGI, like Michael Bay, they take notes from Chris Nolan, using real life effects whenever possible. 


Kym:

Yet for some reason, this is our villain:

  

Rob:

Well that's....very mediocre CGI.  Would it have killed them to use latex masks and puppetry instead?  I think the movie would've been a lot better that way.  Hell, Green Goblin wore a mask, and he looked great.  Also, the darker, more realistic atmosphere of the movie would have held up a lot better if Spiderman wasn't kickboxing with a cartoon lizard.  Hell, the lizard-man effects aren't even as believable as lizards from Super Mario Brothers the movie!

(Dennis Hopper was born to play a lizard)

Kym:

All our griping aside, it wasn't a bad movie, or even that disappointing a movie.  It's just not that good of a movie.  The action is good in most places, especially the scenes involving Spiderman himself, but the plot took no risks, hitting every plot point from Spiderman 1, and really showed us nothing new.

Rob:

Hell, at least 'Turn Off the Dark' has that one amazing stunt.  You know, the one where he leaps sideways towards the audience and lands on his neck?  Now that's entertainment!


Kym:

*Sigh*....so much for becoming a serious movie blog. 

Rob:

It took a while, but we finally got to see Brave.  Our attempts were nearly thwarted by the theater randomly closing because of a backed up sewage system, we had to drive far into the opposite direction, and I nearly had to take hostages, but we finally saw Pixar's new movie, and it was delightful!


Kym:

Merida and the rest of her family made for very interesting characters and a wonderful story, with enough action to keep the guys in the audience interested.


Rob:

The thing I really love about Pixar movies is their attention to detail.  You can actually see the fuzz on their clothing, and tiny faded scars that are only visible up close.  It's tiny details like these that elevates most Pixar movies above regular animated/CGI films, and to the point of being art.  The only complaints I had were that the story was pretty standard for a disney/fantasy/princess sort of story...

 
Kym:

I see nothing wrong with that, and unlike normal Disney princesses, Merida doesn't need a prince.  She's a strong, independent young woman, but it doesn't come off as being forced or pandering.  It all seems quite natural, and works very well with the rest of the story.

Rob:

My other complaint was with Merida's head.  In some scenes (like in the picture above), there's just something off about its shape, and she's realistic enough otherwise to bring us a bit into the 'uncanny valley' area.  Her mom, Elinor looks better....a lot better.  In fact, Merida's mom has got it goin' on.

(Merida can't you see, you're just not the girl for me...)

Kym:

I'm used to your normal lechery, dear, but it goes a bit far when you include poor innocent Disney characters.  Remember our trip to Disney World?

Rob:

For the record, I behaved myself completely....but good Lord, you should've seen some of the actresses dressed up as princesses.  The park enforces an 'absolutely no touching the princesses' rule with the adult guys, and I can see why.  Not only are they great actresses, but they look like super models!

(Or in Jasmine's case, Porn Stars)

Kym:

I don't think any of this is helping your case, dear.


Rob:

Oh well, at least I had an excuse to look up pictures of hot princesses.  There's a lot more of them then you'd think.


Kym:

I'll take your word for it.

(Despite Kym taking my word for it, I felt it was important to include this, for scientific purposes)

Kym:

Garbage.  Complete garbage.

Rob: 

Breaks my heart, it really does.  You can't understand how much I was looking forward to seeing this.  I mean, it's Abraham Lincoln fighting vampires with a silver axe!  The axe even has an inbuilt gun!  How can you possibly go wrong with a premise like that?!


Kym:

They took the premise dead serious, and then used ridiculous CGI special effects, on par in both quality and subtlety as 'Van Helsing'.


Rob:

All that would have been fine, if they'd just kept the whole thing campy.  It's Cowboys and Aliens all over again (see our August 2011 post for more details).  They're handed the perfect setup for a campy action-comedy, in the same spirit of Zombieland, and instead they try to make the film dead serious. 


Kym:



How could they possibly think that 'Abraham Lincoln fighting the undead' was the perfect setup for a serious action movie? 


 
Rob: 

To give you an idea how over the top the action is, there's a scene where *spoiler alert* (Abraham Lincoln kills vampires) where a vampire throws a horse at Lincoln, and Abraham not only catches the horse with his hands, but spins it around and jumps on it in one fluid motion.


Kym:


You know what?  This was a worse movie than Cowboys and Aliens.  At least that had star power, decent special effects, and a great performance from Harrison Ford.



Rob:

Don't forget Daniel Craig, the most British cowboy in the old west!




Kym:

Uh...don't remind me.  Still better than vampire hunting Abe Lincoln.  Another strike-out, to go along with Snow White and the Huntsman, Prometheus, Dark Shadows, and Battleship.


Rob:



If it weren't for Avengers, Men in Black 3, and Brave, we may have had no good movies to go to at all, and I may have suffered a fate worse than death....

Kym: 

Bad for YOU, maybe :-) 

Rob:

Not today, McConaughey.  Not today....

...

(We've forgotten to do our rating for a little while, so here's its triumphant return)

The Amazing Spiderman:

Rob's rating (school style): B-

Kym's rating (rent/buy/ignore): buy on blu ray, but wait for a sale

Brave:

 

Rob's rating: A

Kym's rating: buy on blu ray, ASAP

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter:

Rob's Rating: D-

Kym's Rating: pretend it didn't happen