EPIC
Rob:
Epic sucked.
Fast & Furious 6
Rob:
The gang's back for another....
Kym:
Uh Rob...don't you think the "Epic" review was a bit short.
Rob:
I already lost 172 minutes (once with younger sister, again with niece) to that monstrosity, and I refuse to lose another.
Kym:
Really that bad?
Rob:
It's like watching the worst parts of Star Wars prequels stapled to Ferngully. They use dull/repetitive action, every hackneyed plot device possible, have the characters make bafflingly bad decisions...
Wanna ditch the 'Magic Seed All Life Depends On', and go for a romantic walk? (This seriously happens)
Despite my initial fears, the Ice Age-like comic relief slugs were actually the best part of the movie. It's sad when dumb physical humor is all you have going for it.
I owe those guys an apology and a drink. Salted Margaritas or Tequila shots? Your choice.
Rob:
Add a few plot twists you'll see from a mile away, have the evil wizard die at the end for no apparent reason, shoe horn in a pointless romance, and then remove any sort of environmental message, and you have your movie!
Kym:
Wait, no environmental message? Wasn't that what Ferngully was all about? Isn't this about saving the forest?
Rob:
Which is done by killing evil wizards and performing magic ceremonies. They intentionally avoided any mention of human encroachment, pollution, logging, or any responsibility of humans for the well-being of nature, in a movie that was more or less DESIGNED to contain that message.
Kym:
Huh. Well that's weird. Guess they didn't want to get political.
Rob:
Because apparently the message 'if you cut down the forest, then the forest won't be there any more' isn't apolitical enough for them.
Half the forest got bull dozed & replaced with a mini-mall? Must be another wizard!
...
Rob:
NOW the gang's back for another round of driving stupidly fast around crowded streets, narrowly plowing over families, and leaping out of the vehicle just in time to catch someone mid-air!
Kym:
Yup, everyone's back. Vin Diesel is Vin Diesel.
Who apparently doesn't age.
Sup?
Kym:
Dwayne Johnson is special government agent 'The Rock'.
Ditto.
Kym:
Everyone else is everyone else again.
Kym:
And Ludacris is Tony Stark.
Kym:
Even in a series known for rehashing previous plots, Fast & Furious 6 really does nothing new. It's still fun, of course, but you can pretty much call most of the movie scene for scene, and everything else that might surprise you was in the trailer.
Seen it.
On that note....
*THUNDERCLAP*
Rob:
What was that? Thunder?
Kym:
No, Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) just revealed that she has 'Amnesia', and every moviegoer in the theater just facepalmed themselves simultaneously.
Rob:
Yes, that's right, she has AMNESIA. A time tested plot twist from soap operas, sitcoms, and Saturday morning cartoons.
Kym:
Because the mere thought of Letty instead narrowly escaping death, skipping country, falling into a bad crowd, and now having divided loyalties is MUCH too ridiculous of a plot to go with. Nope! Better give her a conk on the noggin instead!
Masterpiece!
Kym:
Not to mention that we have ANOTHER thin, dark haired villain with an English accent. Apparently Loki is the new standard for all supervillainy now.
Rob:
We even got the 'caught the bad guy and put him in a cell but surprise he's really in control and now's he's free' scene. Seriously, all villains will be Loki now.
Kym:
Now if only every hero could be Thor...
Would've made 'Great Gatsby' a lot more interesting.
Rob:
Oh well, it's a Fast & Furious movie. We all know what we came to see: fast cars, action, and shots of girls from the waist down.
Above: Character development.
Kym:
Sadly, sometimes even that fell a bit short. The final fight scene was a little wussy by F&F standards. Not only did Vin Diesel have trouble dealing with Luke Evans, a man he could clearly fold 'neatly in half' on a whim....
Psst! Vin! You might want to try 'hitting him'. Once or twice should do it.
Kym:
But no one thinks to grab a weapon! Even if for some reason none of the master criminals/secret agents thought to bring 'a gun' or even 'a knife', they're surrounding by pipes, tools, and club sized pieces of wood. Instead they just keep kicking and wrestling.
Rob:
In their defense, as a boy who grew up in the 80's, I can assure you that no weapon is as powerful as the Dooms Day Device.
That dude's health bar is like GONE.
Kym:
All the nitpicking aside, they still managed to make a fairly entertaining movie...
Rob:
Not to mention the COOLEST vehicles a villain's ever gotten in ANYTHING, and that includes Saturday morning cartoons.
Slap a Cobra symbol on this and the G.I. Joe's are F*cked.
Kym:
All in all, it's a good way to finally end the series on a positive note...
Kym:
God damn it!
Rob:
Did somebody say 'last minute new villain in post-credits sequence to set up the next movie'?
Kym:
Who is that again?
Rob:
Yet another white, British 'Loki clone'.
Kym:
Yes, but specifically?
Rob:
Jason Stratham.
Kym:
Ah, yes. The Expendables Knifey-guy.
Rob:
He's not a very good actor. That said, he's not a bad actor either, but he only has one schtick: the tough British renegade, and he's 'okay' at it. He will not improve your movie.
Kym:
I really wish they'd let the series end. There's nothing more to see, and nothing more to do besides kill off likeable characters. Why must we do this?
Rob:
I'm okay with it, I guess, but I don't think Jason Stratham is the right choice. It's gimmicky, and I know he's not going to make F&F7 any better. They'd be better off going with an Asian actor, to help grab international markets. Why not Chung Yow Fat, Beat Takashi, Tony Jaa, or...
The internet would literally explode.
...
JULY MOVIES: CROWD PLEASERS
Rob:
Continuing our Summer movie review, let's start with Red 2, which looks like...
Kym:
You appear to have replaced Red 2's official poster with one of Catherine Zeta Jones.
Rob:
I weighed the pros and cons, and I believe I've made the right choice.
BAM! Right again. 2 for 2.
Kym:
*AHEM*
Rob:
Oh all right then. Even though Catherine Zeta Jones IS starring in the film, let's go with a more appropriate poster:
Kym:
Red 2 actually looks like it might be better than the first! The first wasn't bad, as it had a great cast, but the story itself was a bit too silly to really work well.
Rob:
And yet, how can you not love a movie where an aging Bruce Willis kills a room full of assassins and then cuts off & collects all their fingers for identification.
Kym:
That's the sort of shameless brutality mixed with twisted humor is what made Red 1 fun, and now the original cast is back for an Expendables-like sequel.
Rob:
Only even older, making them closer to 'The Dependables'.
Kym:
Well, the main difference is that a lot of the cast of Red aren't normally known for action parts, including Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, and now Anthony Hopkins, who hasn't killed anyone since the 90's
Pictured above, enjoying a meal with Fava beans, & a chilled Chianti
Instead of being on the run, now they're on a 'caper to stop a terrorist' plot, which should jive well with the cast's talents.
Kym:
All in all, it looks like a lot of action packed, silly fun. With all the explosions and gags you could want.
Rob:
I'm just sort of surprised we're seeing a sequel at all. I mean, the original Red didn't reach 100 million domestically, which is usually the 'bar' for sequelworthiness.
Kym:
Overseas markets did push them to 110 million, and I guess that's enough, especially if they have reason to believe a sequel with a better plot will do better.
Rob:
Having Catherine Zeta Jones in there doesn't hurt.
Kym:
You'll use any excuse you can get, won't you?
3 for 3. Still got it. Now onto Helen Mirren...
Kym:
I'm gonna cut you off there.
...
Don't know why the poster says August 9th. The Lone Ranger is hitting theaters July 3rd, and man have we waited a long time for it.
Rob:
From what I've heard, the Lone Ranger sounds like it has a traditional Cowboy going for revenge 'Zorro' plot, and yet the commercials are still doing everything possible to make it look like a Pirates movie.
Kym:
To be fair, it might BE a lot like a Pirates movie. Still, it's funny how much attention 'Tonto' is getting. Just look at the poster above. Tonto's a lot more center than the Lone Ranger.
Rob:
Makes you wonder why they even let the Lone Ranger in the picture at all...
Kym:
Oh.
Rob:
Well there you go.
Kym:
Cowboys is kind of a dead genre as far as Summer blockbusters go, and if Wild Wild West is what knocked it over, then Cowboys & Aliens put the bullet in its head.
It was sort of like a fancy arranged marriage. Unlimited hype, big release party, & then no one had any fun.
Kym:
It's kind of surprising that Disney was willing to gamble so much money on it, but if there's one person who can take a 'good' movie and turn it into an unforgettable one, while simultaneously reviving a dying movie genre...
Rob:
It's Robert Downey Jr.
Not quite sure what 'that' is, but I'm sure he earned it.
Kym:
Well yes, him too, but Rob's man-crush aside, it's Johnny Depp, the only person I know of to play two different characters from two different movies in the same video game (Disney's Infinity). Johnny actually wanted the part of Tonto more than the Lone Ranger, being a big fan of the original character, and being part Native American himself.
Rob:
And the studio was wise enough to agree to whatever he wanted, being a large fan of both success and money.
Maybe Tonto could wear a pirate outfit? Pretty please? No? Okay, that's cool...
Kym:
Judging by the commercials and previews, they're definitely going in the direction of the Pirates movies as far as style and structure goes, but then again, it's a proven theory. Just set up an interesting action/comedy, and then set Johnny loose.
You want a stuffed bird on your head? That's cool too. Whatever you say, man.
...
Kym:
Seriously?
Rob:
YES!
Kym:
Giant Gundam robots punching dinosaurs?
Rob:
Yes! Yes!
YES!!! I want one.
Rob:
They didn't even have to finish the sentence. They got up to 'Robots punching dinosaurs...' and I was completely sold.
Kym:
Now, we've had this situation before. What sounds like the most awesome concept can turn out to instead be another Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.
Rob:
True, but since it's being done by Guillermo Del Toro, hopefully they'll put more effort into it.
Kym:
Eh, I don't know, the CGI looks kinda dumb. Sort of 'straight to DVD' quality.
Rob:
What's so wrong with that? All the Mega Shark Movies are straight to DVD.
Kym:
Well there you go.
Rob
I rest my case.
If this is wrong, then I don't wanna be right.
...
Rob:
Wolverine fights ninjas. Yet another movie that sells itself with a single sentence.
Kym:
A lot of movies these days seem to be playing up the Asian elements. I guess they're making sure they appeal to Asian audiences.
Then again, if this doesn't bring women in Asia into the theater, nothing will.
Rob:
Who cares about the circumstances/plot? Wolverine's back and he's kicking ass! Shnkty-SHNKT!
Kym:
Pardon?
Rob:
Geek slang.
Kym:
I see. Well, it definitely looks like it's going to be a lot better than the last movie, and even continues the X-Men storyline to boot!
Rob:
The story seems to revolve around Wolverine temporarily losing his ability to heal quickly, which is a shame, since he's TERRIBLE at avoiding injury.
Can't even wake up in the morning without almost getting killed.
Kym:
Sounds interesting! In fact, as long as they don't have too many pointless scenes, it'll be hard for this movie to fail! I mean...just look at this poster:
Rob:
Wow! Why couldn't we get this poster in America?!
Kym:
With awesome imagery like that selling it, I predict The Wolverine being a really big hit! Afterwards we'll just have to wait for the X-Men Days of Futures Past for our next fix.
Rob:
Of course, they'll have to figure out a way for Wolverine to fight Magneto without Logan getting instantly crushed. I'm not sure what type of battle that could be though...
Well, that's one.
Kym:
As for Despicable Me 2...is it me, or is the plot a little...
Rob:
Cars 2-ey?
Kym:
Well, we do have the cool female secret agent bringing our hero in...
Rob:
Then we throw in a car transforming into a submarine...
Objects in the rearview mirror may appear more original than they are.
Kym:
And then he's drafted by the secret spy organization to help stop the bad guys....
Rob:
Come to think of it, that was the plot of Rise of the Guardians as well. I think they're going to keep re-using it until it stops working.
Kym:
Well, it's lack of originality aside, it still looks fun in a kiddie way, with a few cheap laughs and funny minions. It'll probably be a great movie to take kids to, as opposed to...
Rob:
*Ugh....*
Kym:
Ryan Reynolds is a super fast snail! He started out slow, but a strange accident gave him super speed! Who wants to bet he has a lot of 2-dimensional friends, each characterized by a single joke that gets repeated every time they show up on screen?
I'll give it pretty good odds.
Kym:
It's really just a very dumb version of Ratatouille. Someone wants to be something they normally can't be, and 'wackiness' ensues.
Rob:
Not to mention that it's basically also copying the plot of Rookie of the Year.
Kym:
Ryan Reynolds + ripped off plot + another ripped off plot + CGI snails. Yeah, I wouldn't go see this one.
Rob:
Not that it really matters what we say here. CGI kids movies with stupid characters and lots of sight gags are pretty much guaranteed to make money. Hell, I'm not even sure why they bothered with celebrity voice actors. They could've used the original cast of Rookie of the Year to do this one, and done just as well.
Sadly, Thomas Ian Nicholas' IMDB image does not reflect his actual level of success
Gary Busey's image, on the other hand, is pretty spot on.
...
Rob:
You gotta be smurfing with me.
It's the Smurfs! And one's a Scottish racial slur for some reason!
Kym:
Like you said, dear, CGI kids movies pretty much just print money, so yes we have another Smurfs movie. Besides, Sony really needs the money, what with the disappointing sales of the PS3, PSP, and not ot mention thecomplete and utter collapse of 'After Earth'.
*Cricket, Cricket...*
Kym:
With Smurfs, Sony's tactic of 'making products that suck' finally pays off! Regardless, I don't think there's any way of avoiding Smurfs 2, dear. Anyone related to kids in any way are gonna have to see this one.
Rob:
If there's any plot as dumb as F&F6's 'Amnesia', it's the 'Evil Twin' storyline. Although not 100% twins, the plot is basically: there are new Smurfs, only they're bad. If this movie doesn't end with the bad smurfs turning good, I will eat my hat.
Kym:
Of course, since this is based on a kids cartoon, they have more of an excuse for the lame plot.
Rob:
Oh well, hopefully Hank Azaria will be able to make it a bit funny. Even though I detested the original Smurfs 1, every scene with Gargamel in it was comedy gold.
Don't know about you, but I'm rootin' for this guy.
Rob:
And Neil Pattrick Harris is pretty good in whatever he does, so we can only hope the humans in the movie can carry the lame plot and boring Smurfs. They sure didn't do it in the first one, not for a lack of trying.
Kym:
What about Katy Perry? I thought you really liked her?
Rob:
Doesn't help if I can't see her.
Doesn't she just scream 'kids movie actress'?
Kym:
Well, try and stay awake, dearest.
Rob:
Well, Sophia Vergara will be back, so my heart rate should stay reasonably high.
Kym:
Really Rob? Again? Isn't this like the 5th or 6th naughty/girly picture this post?!
Rob:
You got Thor and Wolverine.
Kym:
You're still way ahead!
Rob:
They started it.
That Mascot's job satisfaction just went up 5000%
Kym:
And that's 7 and 8. *Sigh* Can't take you anywhere.
...
FINAL RATINGS
EPIC
Rob's rating: D (only shiny CGI and funny slugs saved it from an F rating)
Kym's rating: have the kids seen Ferngully? Now might be a good time.
FAST & FURIOUS 6
Rob's rating: B-
Kym's rating: buy when it's on sale, to add the collection of F&F movies (Vin Diesel ones only, of course)
No comments:
Post a Comment