Better Red than Undead

Rob:

What's the best movie released last week, that the majority of moviegoers are inexplicably ignoring?

Kym:

Red 2!  And it's a damn shame it isn't doing better.  This movie was pure action packed fun, starring A-list 60-70 year old actors and actresses firing the largest guns imaginable.

This picture contains just as many film award nominations as it does bullets.

Rob:

Overall, it's a really solid action/caper movie.  It wastes no time with exposition, and simply picks up where Red 1 left off, and right into the action.  It's in the same spirit as Ocean's 11 and 13.

 

Not this one though.  Let's just pretend this one didn't happen.

Kym:

So why no love from the movie going public?  Going by the numbers, the younger (under 25) viewers didn't go to see it at all.  Maybe there weren't enough explosions to get their attention.


Rob:

I have a feeling it has more to do with 'old movie star comes back to make an action movie' losing its novelty, thanks to Stallone and Arnold making a new one every 4 months or so.  I think the younger crowd are simply getting tired of movies like the 'Expendables'.


Kym:

The quality of the actors and actresses really raises it above the 'Expendables' movies, if you ask me.  The Expendable movies are still good, of course, but the cast of Red 2 aren't just action stars, they can actually act!


Rob:

When they're given the chance to.  Catherine Zeta Jones unfortunately wasn't really given the chance.  She was barely in it.

 

Worse yet, this is pretty much as nude as she got in it.

Kym:

Sorry, dear.  I know you were fawning over her in weeks past, but she wasn't in nearly as much of it as the trailers suggested, and yes, she was fully clothed in every scene...


Rob:

Overdressed to the extreme!

Pictured above: LIES!

Rob:

It's amazing how much sexier her co-stars managed to be.  Mary-Louise Parker works her usual "(sexy + quirky) divided by 2" charms.

There, she didn't even have to try hard.

Rob:

That's to say nothing of Helen Mirren, who steals every scene she's in, and transmits more raw sex appeal in a twirl of her foot (while firing a sniper rifle, naturally), than CZJ does all movie!

68 and Still smokin' hot

Kym:

It's kind of sad when the femme fatale and love interest are completely outshone by a woman old enough to be their grandmother.  

Rob:

Even without considering the other actresses, Catherine Zeta Jones' performance really fell flat.  Hell, Despicable Me 2 had more sex appeal.

 Uh...not quite.  Good effort though.

There you go.

Kym:

Helen Mirren was definitely my favorite.  Not only surprisingly charismatic and sexy for her age, but the woman was an absolute killing machine from the movie's start to finish!

Any scene with Helen Mirren holding a large gun is a good one.

Rob:

My personal favorite was John Malcovich.  His insane antics really tie the movie together, especially with Bruce Willis playing a perfect straight man to Malcovich's "paranoid, gun-toting comic relief" the entire time.

Just your average day.

Kym:

 

Anthony Hopkins is another nice addition to the cast, and rounds out the 'highly respectable actor/actress playing a complete lunatic' trio! 

Rob:

There were, inevitably, some issues here and there.

Kym:

Such as a lack of Cathering Zeta Jones nudity?

I mean, her breasts were already along with her on the set!  She wouldn't have been inconvenienced at all!

Rob:

Some issues were a little more subtle than that.  Despite Iran not exactly being friends with many countries out there, including our own, I'm a little surprised they saw no problem with just shooting down the guards at their embassy with impunity, as if they were a Storm Trooper, Nazis or Ninjas.

Most ninjas, anyway.  Please, no shooting the Turtles.

Kym:

Without giving anything away, the ending was pretty weak.  The leadup to it is great, but the main villain is so easily tricked and defeated, it makes you wonder how he got that far to begin with.

Still a better final fight than the 'double exploding high 5 of doom'

 Rob:

Finally...who the hell is this guy?

 Lee-Byung-Hun, apparently

Kym:

Okay, at 43 years old he isn't exactly young, but he still falls about two decades short of most of the other actors, making us wonder why they didn't go with an older, and better known Asian actor?

Rob:

Jackie Chan, Chow Yun-fat, Beat Takashi, Jet Li, Donnie Yen...hell, I could go on for pages.  No offense toward Lee Beyung-Hun, who gives a decent performance, but he's not exactly well known, and doesn't fit the 'Red' cast at all.

Kym:

This is mostly nitpicking though.  Red 2 is an excellent action movie/comedy, and a whole lot of fun.  I recommend you all stop watching low budget horror movies and kid films, and go give Red 2 a try!

Beats many of the alternatives.

Kym:

Which brings us the other big event this past weekend, and we aren't talkin' about Royal babies!

Three days of downtime, and then Kate Middleton's back to being gorgeous again.

Rob:

No, we're speaking of the weekend where America came together as a people, and finally, nay DEFINITIVELY said no to Ryan Reynolds.

Not even those abs could save him.

Kym:

How bad of an actor is Ryan Reynolds?  With a body and looks like that, it seems virtually impossible for him to not be a successful actor.  Hell, countless careers have been based on looks half as good as his.

Ryan Gosling: exactly 50% the looks of Ryan Reynolds

Rob:

All the abs in the world can't save Reynolds now.  It wasn't enough that he starred in Green Lantern, the franchise that crash landed before it even started....

Here he is drawing power directly from his abs.

Kym:

Or that he woefully underperformed as another Geek comic favorite 'Deadpool' in Wolverine Origins.

Killing that franchise before it even started!

Rob:

But now he's given Hollywood TWO blockbuster bombs in the same week!  RIPD and Turbo.

 

May they rest in peace.

Kym:

To be fair, Ryan Reynolds didn't ruin either of these movies, which were both terrible on their own, but he certainly didn't help.  Whereas stars like Robert Downey Jr and Chris Hemsworth help their superhero movies rise above the rest, Ryan is more or less an anchor, making sure they never leave the bottom.

Rob:

The dude can't even do romantic comedies right...in parts that literally consist of nothing besides 'show up with your shirt off'.

Okay, so he's not 'terrible' at it.

Kym:

He's just not a very good actor.  Unlike other 'not very good actors', Hollywood just keeps on putting him in one high budget blockbuster after the next.  Maybe they'll learn their lesson this time.

Deadpool (2016) Ryan Reynolds confirmed for role.

Rob:

We just can't have nice things.

Kym:

Let's just hope he doesn't show up to ruin 'The Wolverine' this weekend.

You've been warned, Ryan.  He kicked your ass once, he can do it again!

...

RED 2 FINAL SCORE

ROB: B to B+ (depending on whether you're in the mood for a silly action/comedy or not)

KYM: Buy on Blu-ray, watch the first and second back to back!

Blowing Up the White House Since 1996

Kym:

Yes, movie fans, we have another Roland Emmerich action movie, which can only mean one thing: the White House is going to at least partially explode.


Rob:

Man can't even walk past a National monument without making 'explosion sound effects' with his mouth.  Come to think of it, this isn't even the first 'White House under attack' movie this season, is it?

- 2 generic dudes and Morgan Freeman, + 2 better actors and chick from Dark Knight

Kym:

While Olympus Has Fallen may have indeed come first, I think White House Down was a much better movie, mainly because of the standout performances from Channing Tatum and Jamie Fox.

How much you wanna bet that's now hanging in his house?

Rob:


The pair really do carry the movie.  They have great chemistry as the 'everyman ex-soldier caught in the crossfire' and 'thinly veiled Obama clone'.  Without their chemistry, the movie may have been a lot more stilted and bland.  I'm really glad they went with this cast.

Pictured here, for some reason dressed as ABBA

Kym:

I also liked Joey King, who played the hero's daughter.  Instead of just being a generic damsel in distress, she's a very smart and brave character, and she played it well.


Rob:

If she looks a little familiar, it's because she's been working her little tuckus off!  She's been in eight major motion pictures in the last two years, and also a TV series!


Kym:

She's probably best known as the girl in the China Girl/girl in the wheelchair in Oz, the great and powerful.


Rob:

*Thinks back...and then sobs uncontrollably*


Kym:


Judging by her performance's effects on my husband, I'd say she's got a good career ahead of her...as long as she doesn't work herself into a coma first.

Mere seconds before passing out

Rob:

The movie's not perfect, admittedly.  It's definitely more of a 'fun/silly' action movie, mainly because of how ludicrously easy it is for the bad guys to take over the White House.  In fact, I'd say it's probably the worst defended White House in history!
 

Kym:

I agree that they take over pretty easily, and then the secret service/military take forever to do anything in response, but I think part of the reason is because the bad guys *SPOILER ALERT* have the head of security on their side, who can subtly manipulate everything behind the scenes.

James Woods?  Playing a bad guy? Who could've known?!

Rob:

I can't seriously believe that the secret service would ignore standard emergency procedure just because the head of security says so.  If the guy in charge of security can personally override everything on a whim, then the white house has worse security than celebrities do.  In fact, I'm willing to bet that Jamie Foxx has better security in real life than the president he's portraying.

By the looks of his former bodyguard, I'd say that's a 'yes'

Rob:

Also, the terrorists just 'sneak in' bombs and weapons?!  In boxes?!  You can't tell me that security isn't fully aware of exactly what's inside their anus at that moment, let alone their boxes and bags!


Kym:

The evil head of security probably helped them get everything in.  He'd be the one to know all the ins and outs in the place.


Rob:

That still suggest many things: 

1. The White House can be easily breached with a little inside help, and security will just stand around befuddled through the whole thing (worse security than a celebrity's home or major bank)

2. There are plenty of rooms/spaces without cameras or motion detectors, including the areas that should be protected the most (worse security than a casino or airport)

3. The security system can be undone with a single hacker, and can't be reached from outside the building (worse than an average Wal-Mart)

Kym:

Sheesh, the hacker  really did have an easy time of it.  Maybe they should've gotten Mark Zuckerberg to help out.

I know someone who could probably use a presidential pardon.

Rob:

The other main problem is the blatant, often ridiculous similarities to Die Hard 1.  


Kym:

Bruce Willis save the president in that one?


Rob:

No, but the movies were alike in more or less every other possible way.  I won't bore you with the entire list...


Kym:

Praise the Lord.


Rob:

But let's just say that in both movies we have a white hero in a sleeveless t-shirt working with a black sidekick to stop terrorists, who include a silly hacker and a big foreign guy who's angry because the hero killed his friend.  Said villains are disguising their evil plot with fake demands, which the cops outside believe, leading them to try and get in through the roof....


Kym:

This is the short version?


Rob:

...only the villains are ready with explosives, which the hero found out by listening in while hiding above an elevator.  The hero tries to warn the police, who try anyway, and not only fail, but almost accidentally shoot the hero in the process.  Then the bad guys shoot the cop's tank with a rocket launcher, and...


Kym:

Zzzzzzzzzz...


Rob:

Okay, let's just say the number of similarities are ridiculous.  They even both had a scene where the hero and black sidekick have a heart to heart while the hero pulls broken glass from a wound.  

"YIPPIE KAI YAY MOTHER F'ER!!!"

Kym:

Feel better now?


Rob:

Yes.


Kym:

Okay, I'm cutting you off at two lists/rants.  This is getting ridiculous.  Besides, I think it's just nitpicking.  White House Down was a very fun action movie.  How can you not love a movie where President Obama (or equivalent) fires a rocket launcher out of a moving car?


Rob:

You can't.  You have to love it.  It's science.

Does this pair look like they care about plot holes?

Kym:

It's a good old fashioned crowd pleasing action/disaster flick, maybe not as good as Emmerich's Independence Day, but definitely better than Day After Tomorrow or 2012, mainly because it embraces the silliness of the premise and just goes with it.


Rob:

That's true.  Despite being one of his least plausible movies, it's still one of the most fun.


Kym:


Who would've known he'd make a movie less plausible than one where Will Smith punches an alien?

But MORE plausible than Day After Tomorrow's 'Ship in downtown Manhattan full of wolves'?

Rob:

White House down flows really well, and isn't bogged down by length and repetitive scenes like some of his other works.  They really saved time by not shoe-horning in too much pathos, unnecessary romances, or John Cusack.


Kym:

You really have it out for that guy, don't you?


Rob:

You have no idea.

Pictured above: John Cusack, glancing at falling piano

Kym:

Although it has nothing directly to do with the movie, I do have to point out one thing that bugs me: how many times does Roland Emmerich have to blow up the White House?!

Just one more time, okay?  I swear this is the last time!

Kym:

I know we touched briefly on this earlier, but you've really got to wonder how many watch lists Roland Emmerich is on.  He's blown up National monuments in virtually every movie he's ever made!


Rob:

Kind of suspicious, really.  He just seems a little too excited to blow up our Nation's capital.  I think we might have to cut him off.

Great!  Now build ten more sets just like it, and then drop the bombs!!!

Kym:

Mr. Emmerich...you have a problem.


Rob:

Yeah, nice movie, but maybe you should make your next film about something less 'White House exploding'.  Like puppies, or something.

...

Kym:

Not that much to say about Monsters University, although that's not a bad thing.  We expected a fun Pixar movie, and we got one. 


Rob:

And a GORGEOUS one to boot!  Every Pixar movie just seems to get better and better looking that the last!  The fur of the monsters is downright eerie.  They may have gone a bit overboard with the number of side characters though.


Kym:


I think it made the world seem more real, even if it's a little suspicious in a 'now we can make a toy of each one' sort of way.

Goth girls were Rob's favorite, especially Nancy Kim.  Love the anklets!

Kym's favorite is the ridiculously strict and monstrous Librarian. Best scene in the movie!

Kym:

Of course, a large number of characters allows for celebrity cameos, like none other than Nathan Fillion as the head of the arrogant/bad fraternity Roar Omega Roar.

Space Cowboy, Superhero, Writer/Homicide Detective, and Monster Bully.  The man has got RANGE.

Rob:

Despite being a prequel, and not the most mold breaking of stories, they made the premise seem less of a re-hash by focusing more on Mike than Sully.  There's a lot of college in-humor, and Overall, it works well, and it's a very fun flick.

All the pranks/capers of a regular college movie, only without the sex/drugs/alcohol

Kym:

It's only real flaw is that it fails to reach the heights of the original, suffering the same problem as Cars 2.  They do a good job exploring and expanding the world, and focus more on the sidekick's story, but they don't quite reach the quality of the first.


Rob:

Regardless, Monsters University is still a fun ride, worth it for the CGI alone!  Once again, Pixar has blown me away.

Pictured Above: Rob's expression in the theater

...

FINAL RATINGS:


"White House Down "

 

Rob's rating: B

Kym's rating: buy on blu-ray, but you can wait until there's a sale

"Monsters University"

Rob's rating: B+

Kym's rating: buy on blu-ray, and pre-order at the Disney Store, to get the special coupon