It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's Bird Plane Man!

Rob:

It's a bird!  It's a plane!  It's Bird Plane Man!

Kym:

Luckily, they went with the slightly more interesting name 'Superman', and this week we're looking at the ups and downs of his career in movies.

Rob:

Unfortunately, it's never as interesting or weird as in his comics.

On second thought, maybe they're a bit too weird.

Kym:

Okay, giving the comics a miss, let's start with the original, Super Generic 50's Dad!

Glad we could work out our differences without violence.

Rob:

Definitely the blandest of all heroes, the original Superman didn't even have supervillains or Lex Luthor to fight.  It was basically Superman vs generic gangsters, and you can pretty much guess how that battle goes.

Kym:

Superman in TV and cartoons pretty much remained in this generic format until Chris Reeves showed up to steal the show in 1978.

Rob:

Are you humming the music?  I bet you are.

Kym:

Dun dun dun..DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!  In so many ways (the fantastic musical score included, obviously), this movie really solidified how we picture Superman, and how he appears in every other movie/show/cartoon after it, right down to the small curl of hair on his forehead.

Rob:

Not only that, but you could argue it created the modern Superhero movie, being the first to really have any mainstream success, outside of very young audiences.

Kym:

It all starts on Krypton, which looks very 1978.

Very, very 1978.

Rob: 

The 70's sci-fi sets, Tron-like lights, crystals, all white outfits and platinum white hair may be a little over the top, but you don't hire Marlon Brando for subtle performances.

Kym:

At least this Krypton is unique looking.  Man of Steel went with expensive CGI, and wound up with a very unimaginative world that could have shown up in any recent Star Wars, Star Trek, Transformers, or horribly disappointing Aliens movie.

Unlike Prometheus, at least they went with natural childbirth.

Rob:

The only Superman franchise (if it was one movie that sucked, is it still a franchise?) that didn't include Krypton was 'Superman Returns', which attempted to follow up on the original series, because after plot points as fresh as 'evil superman' and 'another evil superman' and of course 'three evil supermen, one of which is a hot chick', there's no reason to start fresh.

Kym:

Instead, we get Superman leaving without warning for 5 years, and coming back completely shocked that Lois went on with her life.

I leave for 5 years without a word, and she acts like she's free to date again? That bitch!

Rob:

As a result of its 'beating a dead horse' movie structure, we also don't get to see Superman grow up....which is admittedly not the most interesting part of the movie.

Kym:

Smallville (town, not show) can be a bit slow, but it's more or less required for his adopted father to teach him a few important down to Earth values, and then drop dead.


Rob: 

Yeah, the 1978 father Kent really doesn't do much, except demonstrate exactly what not to do if you have a heart condition.

Let's run as fast as we can!

Kym:

Man of Steel tried to dodge the slowness of the Smallville scenes by showing them in flash backs later, but Kevin Costner didn't really do much besides teach weird values like: 'sometimes anonymity is worth letting a bus load of kids die for', and have an infinitely more ridiculous death.

Never risk exposure to save a life, not even mine....unless it's 4 people on an oil rig, of course.

Rob: 

After that, it's usually a trip to the Artic Fortress of Solitude for a training montage, and then off to work as a major league reporter at the daily planet!  Because why would you need a college degree for that sort of thing?

No work experience?  No references for past decade?  Screw those other applicants, you're in!

Kym:

At this point in your average Superman movie, the other characters show up.  

Rob:

Forcing Clark to develop the ultimate disguise: huge glasses and parting his hair the opposite way!

Kym:

The most notable of which, of course, is Lois Lane.  The 1978 version uses a modern, empowered woman that loves getting the big stories almost as much as she loves accidentally falling off of skyscrapers.

And guys in tights. She likes them too.

Kym:

It really is amazing she's still alive, what with the countless stream of near death experiences that follow her on an almost daily basis!  This happens in some extent in every Superman version, but the original movie is ridiculous!  Even Black Widow doesn't have this many brushes with death, and she gets HERSELF out of danger!

Rob: 

Lois Lane has never been one for avoiding danger, even when faced with alien technology in a cave, like in Man of Steel...

Seems safe.

Rob:

Or when wandering onto a boat owned by the world's most dangerous criminal in Superman Returns.

Did I mention she brought her child too? Yes, it gets even dumber.

Kym:

If we could choose one characteristic to describe Lois Lane in movies, it'd definitely be: no concept of danger/consequences.  It's one thing to be brave, but to be completely unprepared to protect or save yourself, while simultaneously hurling yourself into dangerous situations....

Rob:

I have to give her character somewhat of a pass in Superman Returns (bringing child onto death boat aside), because everyone involved somehow thought there was nothing wrong or dangerous about sitting in a plane strapped to a shuttle about to enter orbit. 

Jimmy Olsen's already pre-writing the obituary.

Kym:

Besides a lack of any normal common sense when it comes to danger, Lois is also characterized by her love of Superman.  One can hardly blame her...although in Superman Returns she seems to forget her boyfriend for a good twenty minutes of the movie.

Super infidelity!

Rob:

Faster than your boyfriend's drive home!  More powerful than...


Kym:

Let's just stop you there.  Anyway, I'm seriously beginning to question Lois' chances in any version.  TV's Lois & Clark is literally the only version where they get married and live happily ever after.  I'm beginning to suspect that Superman has other plans than marriage...

Nailed it.

Rob:

I always found it a little odd that Superman, the 'everyman' superhero, didn't have a more down to Earth girlfriend, either that or as the ultimate Superhero, didn't have a Superheroine girlfriend.

 

Man of Steel 3 practically writes itself.

Kym:

This is of course just for the movies.  I'm sure the comic's Lois Lane is a little more down to Earth and...

Nevermind.

Rob:

As for the rest of the cast, there's Jimmy and Perry, but they're really just minor small characters in every version, giving a 'Gee Wilikers, Clark!' and 'Great Caesar's Ghost' or two, and then walking off.  


Kym:

This just leaves us with the villain, which is usually Lex Luthor.  Kind of odd to match a regular human against Superman, but I guess that's part of what makes Luthor interesting.


Rob:

Although one begins to wonder if Superman should be winning these battles a little more easily than he does....

Let's see who wins in the eternal battle between 'Brains' and '300 mph punches to the crotch'

Kym:

Gene Hackman, the Lex Luthor of 1978, was a bit sillier than most, but he pulls the part off with plenty of charm.  Instead of being a multi-millionaire shady businessman, however, he's more of a James Bond-ish mastermind in a secret underground lair, about to unleash missiles on America. 

Rob:

Somehow, he still can't find a better henchman than Otis though, who's so fat and dumb, he has the 'Wimpy from Popeye' outfit, and obligatory fat/stupid tuba music following him everywhere.  Still, you gotta love how Gene Hackman deadpans his way through evil genius.  

Rob:

Not that there's anything wrong with 'over the top' evil glee, as Kevin Spacey brings to the part in Superman Returns.


Kym:

Kevin Spacey is literally the best redeeming quality the movie has.  He's such an elegant villain, while simultaneously camping it up, which is a hard combination to pull off.


Rob:

You really get a sense of his character's egomania, as despite all his unremorseful actions, he still sees himself, in a twisted way, as a savior of mankind.  He's going to build an amazing new future for humanity (or at least its survivors), and he'll destroy the pesky alien Superman in the process!


Kym:

Lex has yet to show up in Man of Steel, but I'm sure he'll be around soon.  For now we had Zod, who's a bit more scary than the Luthor's of the past.  Hell, he actually managed to destroy Metropolis!  Lex never managed that one.

Zod had a wacky bumbling sidekick too. He ate him.

Kym:

With all the side characters, love interests, and villains out of the way, all that's left is Superman himself.

Rob:

Like Iron Man & Robert Downey Jr today, Christopher Reeves and Superman will always be united, with one never escaping the other.  Reeve's superman will always be the one people think of when they think of old Clark...

Kym:

And of course, you can't see Christopher Reeves without thinking of Superman.  His boyish, honest, upbeat charm really won us all over.  Although I find some other Supermen more physically attractive, as a woman I must say that Reeves is by far the most charming.


Rob:

When you think about it, Superman is a really easy character to get wrong, as a being so powerful, and so certain they're right is usually going to come off as a complete ass.  Not Christopher Reeves though!  He left that to Christopher Nolan.

Kym:

I didn't think he was that bad.  Although he does lack Chris's charm, he is a more rugged Superman.  A bit more macho and dominant, which is nice...

Rob:

Wait...are you now judging Supermen based solely on their looks?


Kym:

Not solely....


Rob:

Most handsome Superman?


Kym:

Face or body?


Rob:

First one, than the other.


Kym:

Well, Dean Cain has the best looking face...

'I'm Superman' is a hell of a good pickup line.

Kym:

Tom Willing has the hottest body though.

Of course, 'I'm Tom Willing and these are my abs' is a pretty good pickup line too.

Kym:

Not much to say about the old 'Superdad' of the original black and white show.  He looks to be more of a smoker and drinker than the others.

Rob:

That he was...and nothing to say about Brandon Routh of 'Superman Returns'?  


Kym:

Not really.  He's cute, but not really ahead in any category, ESPECIALLY not acting ability.  When it comes to acting/performances, all the versions have their own best qualities, but Christopher Reeves is definitely the most iconic.  So what about you?  Which Lois Lane is the...


Rob:

Teri Hatcher.

Kym:

Okay, but in which category?  Which is best for appearance, and which for...


Rob:

Teri Hatcher. Teri Hatcher. Teri Hatcher.

(Pictured above: answers 1-99)

Kym:

Every category though?  You don't think any of the performances of the other Lois Lanes match up?

Rob:

To the following FHM magazing shoot?  No.

Rob:

The defense rests.


Kym:

*Sigh* Well, on that note, I think we can sum up that although the Superman series has had its ups and downs, the original 1978 movie is still iconic and a true American classic, and Man of Steel (although often over the top) looks to be an interesting followup.  One way or the other, the character will live on!

Rob:

Or die, come back as four different characters, have one of the four defeat the others and then reveal themselves to be an evil clone, and then have the original magically come back to life, defeat the new bad guy, and THEN live on like nothing happened.

Still a more dignified ending than Dark Knight Rises.

...

Kym: 

Any last thoughts or useless information?

Rob: 

Where the hell does Clark's normal clothes go after he changes into Superman?  You can't convince me it's all stuffed in there.  Does he just leave them in piles on the street?



Kym: 

Guess so.  Any weird facts?  

Rob: 

Krypto, Superman's super powered & cape wearing dog, has only appeared in one TV/movie version: Smallville, albeit without his powers.

Kym: 

I think the world's ready for Krypto to return!  Someone ask Chris Nolan if our Dachshunds can star in the next movie!