Much Ado About Vampires

Kym:

Remember when they needed an entire store in order to rent out movies?


Rob:

Of course, I used to even work at one.   

You do not know how hard it is to squeeze inside one of those things.

Kym:


Due to snow, family emergencies, snow, random drama, SNOW...*AHEM*...we didn't get out to the movies as much as we wanted to this past season, so we thought we'd go over some movies available now at Red Box, which are well worth the cheap rental price.


Rob:

I especially loved the part where we spent a buck and change rather than the price of two movie tickets.

I give my $30 Four Stars!

Kym:

When it comes right down to it, some movies don't intrigue us enough to warrant paying full ticket price for, but are worth a shot as a rental, especially now that rentals are cheaper than ever!


Rob:



Red Box: because 90% of the movies on Netflix suck.

...

Rob:



A Joss Whedon film?  This must be the Shakespeare in the park that Tony Stark was referring to.  Any chance we'll find out if Thor's mom knows that he's wearing her drapes?


Kym:

That will be very difficult to tell, because although Whedon updated the setting to a modern mansion, the original Shakespearean text is preserved, which is a fancy way of saying: 'what the hell are they saying?'.


Rob:

This is where we disagree.  I personally like Shakespeare, but I have to admit that his comedies, like this one, do not hold up as well as his dramas.


Kym:

Comedies usually need context, and so they don't age well.  Even when I understood what was going on, the jokes still tended to fall flat.  Most of them boiled down to 'I don't like you, I don't like you either, *they make out*' or 'stupid ridiculous guy is stupid and ridiculous'.

Hilarious....

Rob:

Basically, it's your average episode of 'Friends' in olde English.


Kym:

Although it's not my kind of movie, and I REALLY wish he updated the words to modern English, I do see why he made it the way he did, sort of as an artistic experiment.  I also really like that he put it together so quickly, filming over a period of 12 days, and it's very obvious that everyone had a great time filming it.


Rob:

I also really enjoyed the 'look' of the movie, as the black and white palette worked quite well set against the beautiful mansion.  There's also great lighting, cinematography, and (classy) sexuality.

The above dance being symbolic of "bow-chick-a-wow-wow"

Kym:


My favorite part was definitely the cast.  It was fun to see so many familiar actors all acting together in a more serious/artistic movie.


Rob

Yeah, it really gives it a 'community theater' feel, where you personally know most of the actors in it.

Does thou enjoyeth my work upon the TV?

Verily!

Kym:

Regardless, when everything's said and done, I still can't understand 98% of what they're saying.


Rob:

Yeah, so unless you're a Time Traveler or a theater major, you'll have to watch this one with the Spark Notes open on your laptop.


Kym:

All in all, I think it's much better 'art' than it is 'entertainment'.  Still, I'm glad they made the movie, and it was fun watching it for a bit.

...

Rob:

I feel a disturbance....as if a milllion boyfriends suddenly said 'okay, let's get this over with'.


Kym:

This movie actually worked a lot better than the incredibly slow paced 'part 1'...almost as if they should have been combined into one movie...

I'm looking at you, dude.

Rob:

The ultimate culprit for this 'split into multiple movies' fad is of course Harry Potter 7 part 2: We Kill the Guy We've Been Killing for 6 Movies.


Kym:

They had good reason though, as there was simply nothing to cut out.  Whereas the middle movies lost most of the Quidditch, a bunch of teen angst, and (thankfully) Hermoine's Elf obsession, there was just too much material for one movie there.


Rob:

Never being ones to pass up a cash grab, now we have extra Hobbit's, Atlas Shrugged's, and of course Twilights, and unfortunately they put all the boring crap into the first Breaking Dawn.


Kym:


Now everything comes to life, with Kristin Stewart seeming more awake and acting more than I've seen her in any movie prior!


Rob:

Now she has the energy for ten times the pot smoking and infidelity!

Able to bang a dozen directors!

Rob:

Sort of makes you wonder why they didn't turn her into a vampire earlier.  I mean, was there really a good reason they waited?


Kym:

Maybe before the dangerous bedroom destroying sex?  Or before the final battle at the end of Eclipse?

Could we use one more super strong vampire when we fight them? Nah...

Kym:

Yeah, there was about a hundred earlier times that made more sense, but this way they can have a half-vampire baby, which is a pretty weird concept.


Rob:

Almost as weird as Jacob imprinting on her.   That's probably my least favorite twist in the series.  Not only is a shameless attempt to give everyone a happy ending, but having a full grown man fall passionately in love with a small child is also a bit...uh...how should I put it?


Kym:

Wrong on every conceivable level?


Rob:

There you go.

Jacob is currently the only werewolf on a government watch list

Rob:

They did add a new twist by having more vampires with weird powers, which did liven things up a bit, and keep it from being too similar to the end fight in Eclipse.


Kym:

I wasn't as crazy about it.  I don't mind having weird powers, but they seemed less 'dark' or 'vampiric', and more like wannabe X-Men.

New Movie Idea: X-Men + Twilight = "Vampire Academy"!  Oh wait...

Rob:

Wow, we have a lot of random issues with this movie, although the largest is that her father, a cop, hasn't called the FBI after the weird cult-like family starts hiding her from him.  To call him ridiculously understanding and accepting is selling things WAY short.


Kym

Yeah, they're lucky he didn't show up with a gun and a Swat team.

Hey Bella, ever seen the movie 'Taken'?

Kym:

Despite the issues, the ending is suitably epic, with twists, turns, and awesome action...


Rob:

With all the vampires they had to personally find in Europe one by one, because apparently no one is on Facebook or owns a mobile phone.


Kym:

Trying to focus on the positive here...although yeah, there really isn't a single cell phone in any of these movies, is there?  Oh well, let's focus on...


Rob:

THEN the guy with the elemental powers pointlessly waits until the end of his fight to use his powers.  Also, even though they know where the fight will be they don't set any traps.  Not to mention they STILL haven't weaponized the body parts of dead vampires, which would easily convert into a pipe bomb-like...


Kym:

MOVING ON.


Rob:

Yes, dear.

Kym:

A whole lot of action!  A resolution to everything!  A giant happy ending!  What more could you ask for?


Rob:

4 hours of my life back?  Specifically, from the even numbered movies.

No one looks more relieved that the series is over than Robert Pattinson.

Kym:

As our criticism might suggest, it's not a perfect movie by far, but it's an adequate ending and a hell of a lot better than Breaking Dawn part 1.


Rob:

Eh, it's alright, but the only one I really liked was Twilight 1, which was at its heart a highly dysfunctional love story, which is interesting, to say the least.  Four movies later, and boyfriends worldwide can finally move on...

...

Kym:

Tom Hanks never seems to have a very good time whenever he goes out to sea.


Rob:

And this time he doesn't even get a volleyball to console him.


Kym:

Instead he gets Somali pirates. Yikes!

Not quite as wacky a team as Cool Runnings

 Kym:

Tom Hanks really should've gotten a best actor Oscar nomination for his role here.  He really did a great job of adding tension and believability to the role.  The actors playing the Somali pirates were also really good as well.


Rob:

The rest of the cast was just sort of 'present'.  We never really learn anything about them, and for 90% of the movie they're either hiding or having a gun pointed in their face.

Alright everyone, your motivation is 'not wanting to be shot'

Kym:

What really adds to the story is the time spent with the pirates before they attack the ship.  Not only does it help make everything seem more real, and the pirates more dangerous, but it gives a little back story and context to the plot.

Rob:

Basically, the pirates are at least partially victims of circumstance.  The large commercial fishing vessels take most of the fish along the coast, and they haven't had a stable government in ages, so pirating is really the only opportunity they have left.


Kym:

Not that this is any consolation to their victims, of course.

You should feel guilty for your extravagant lifestyle AND get the f*ck on the ground!  Multi-task!

Kym:


If you only see one of the movies listed here, I'd definitely make it Captain Philips.


Rob:

From beginning to end, Tom Hanks gives us an Oscar worthy performance, and even if the back story is a little light at times, you see the depth of his character in the way he deals with his struggle.

...

Rob:

Weird fact time!  Taylor Lautner, the actor who played Jacob in the Twilight movie, has a rare medical condition that keeps him from wearing a shirt for more than 45 minutes at a time.


Kym:

Not true, but I wouldn't mind if it was.


Rob:

Let's just call it 'unverified'.  Some verified facts include the BIZARRE ways Breaking Dawn part 1 + 2 chose to portray Renesmee, Edward and Bella's baby.  They chose to use both CGI and animatronic dolls when portraying her as a baby, which was nothing short of a sixty foot plunge directly into the uncanny valley!

Kym:

It's amazing how much effort went into making something that looked so terrible in the end.  I really wish they'd just stuck with a normal baby.


Rob:

For some reason they were absolutely obsessed with having the child look like the actress Mackenzie Foy at EVERY stage of its life, going as far as having 10 actresses of different ages portray her, with Mackenzie's face CGI'd over theirs each time.  Again, the results were at worst: horrifying, and at best: no better than just using a different actress for each age without any CGI.



Kym:

Maybe its not just us.  Being half vampire, she just might look a bit horrifying.  Its not as if Bella or Edward would care if she was.


Rob:

I'm pretty sure Edward was just thrilled that the baby didn't have tan skin, dark hair, and perfect abs.