Much Ado About Vampires

Kym:

Remember when they needed an entire store in order to rent out movies?


Rob:

Of course, I used to even work at one.   

You do not know how hard it is to squeeze inside one of those things.

Kym:


Due to snow, family emergencies, snow, random drama, SNOW...*AHEM*...we didn't get out to the movies as much as we wanted to this past season, so we thought we'd go over some movies available now at Red Box, which are well worth the cheap rental price.


Rob:

I especially loved the part where we spent a buck and change rather than the price of two movie tickets.

I give my $30 Four Stars!

Kym:

When it comes right down to it, some movies don't intrigue us enough to warrant paying full ticket price for, but are worth a shot as a rental, especially now that rentals are cheaper than ever!


Rob:



Red Box: because 90% of the movies on Netflix suck.

...

Rob:



A Joss Whedon film?  This must be the Shakespeare in the park that Tony Stark was referring to.  Any chance we'll find out if Thor's mom knows that he's wearing her drapes?


Kym:

That will be very difficult to tell, because although Whedon updated the setting to a modern mansion, the original Shakespearean text is preserved, which is a fancy way of saying: 'what the hell are they saying?'.


Rob:

This is where we disagree.  I personally like Shakespeare, but I have to admit that his comedies, like this one, do not hold up as well as his dramas.


Kym:

Comedies usually need context, and so they don't age well.  Even when I understood what was going on, the jokes still tended to fall flat.  Most of them boiled down to 'I don't like you, I don't like you either, *they make out*' or 'stupid ridiculous guy is stupid and ridiculous'.

Hilarious....

Rob:

Basically, it's your average episode of 'Friends' in olde English.


Kym:

Although it's not my kind of movie, and I REALLY wish he updated the words to modern English, I do see why he made it the way he did, sort of as an artistic experiment.  I also really like that he put it together so quickly, filming over a period of 12 days, and it's very obvious that everyone had a great time filming it.


Rob:

I also really enjoyed the 'look' of the movie, as the black and white palette worked quite well set against the beautiful mansion.  There's also great lighting, cinematography, and (classy) sexuality.

The above dance being symbolic of "bow-chick-a-wow-wow"

Kym:


My favorite part was definitely the cast.  It was fun to see so many familiar actors all acting together in a more serious/artistic movie.


Rob

Yeah, it really gives it a 'community theater' feel, where you personally know most of the actors in it.

Does thou enjoyeth my work upon the TV?

Verily!

Kym:

Regardless, when everything's said and done, I still can't understand 98% of what they're saying.


Rob:

Yeah, so unless you're a Time Traveler or a theater major, you'll have to watch this one with the Spark Notes open on your laptop.


Kym:

All in all, I think it's much better 'art' than it is 'entertainment'.  Still, I'm glad they made the movie, and it was fun watching it for a bit.

...

Rob:

I feel a disturbance....as if a milllion boyfriends suddenly said 'okay, let's get this over with'.


Kym:

This movie actually worked a lot better than the incredibly slow paced 'part 1'...almost as if they should have been combined into one movie...

I'm looking at you, dude.

Rob:

The ultimate culprit for this 'split into multiple movies' fad is of course Harry Potter 7 part 2: We Kill the Guy We've Been Killing for 6 Movies.


Kym:

They had good reason though, as there was simply nothing to cut out.  Whereas the middle movies lost most of the Quidditch, a bunch of teen angst, and (thankfully) Hermoine's Elf obsession, there was just too much material for one movie there.


Rob:

Never being ones to pass up a cash grab, now we have extra Hobbit's, Atlas Shrugged's, and of course Twilights, and unfortunately they put all the boring crap into the first Breaking Dawn.


Kym:


Now everything comes to life, with Kristin Stewart seeming more awake and acting more than I've seen her in any movie prior!


Rob:

Now she has the energy for ten times the pot smoking and infidelity!

Able to bang a dozen directors!

Rob:

Sort of makes you wonder why they didn't turn her into a vampire earlier.  I mean, was there really a good reason they waited?


Kym:

Maybe before the dangerous bedroom destroying sex?  Or before the final battle at the end of Eclipse?

Could we use one more super strong vampire when we fight them? Nah...

Kym:

Yeah, there was about a hundred earlier times that made more sense, but this way they can have a half-vampire baby, which is a pretty weird concept.


Rob:

Almost as weird as Jacob imprinting on her.   That's probably my least favorite twist in the series.  Not only is a shameless attempt to give everyone a happy ending, but having a full grown man fall passionately in love with a small child is also a bit...uh...how should I put it?


Kym:

Wrong on every conceivable level?


Rob:

There you go.

Jacob is currently the only werewolf on a government watch list

Rob:

They did add a new twist by having more vampires with weird powers, which did liven things up a bit, and keep it from being too similar to the end fight in Eclipse.


Kym:

I wasn't as crazy about it.  I don't mind having weird powers, but they seemed less 'dark' or 'vampiric', and more like wannabe X-Men.

New Movie Idea: X-Men + Twilight = "Vampire Academy"!  Oh wait...

Rob:

Wow, we have a lot of random issues with this movie, although the largest is that her father, a cop, hasn't called the FBI after the weird cult-like family starts hiding her from him.  To call him ridiculously understanding and accepting is selling things WAY short.


Kym

Yeah, they're lucky he didn't show up with a gun and a Swat team.

Hey Bella, ever seen the movie 'Taken'?

Kym:

Despite the issues, the ending is suitably epic, with twists, turns, and awesome action...


Rob:

With all the vampires they had to personally find in Europe one by one, because apparently no one is on Facebook or owns a mobile phone.


Kym:

Trying to focus on the positive here...although yeah, there really isn't a single cell phone in any of these movies, is there?  Oh well, let's focus on...


Rob:

THEN the guy with the elemental powers pointlessly waits until the end of his fight to use his powers.  Also, even though they know where the fight will be they don't set any traps.  Not to mention they STILL haven't weaponized the body parts of dead vampires, which would easily convert into a pipe bomb-like...


Kym:

MOVING ON.


Rob:

Yes, dear.

Kym:

A whole lot of action!  A resolution to everything!  A giant happy ending!  What more could you ask for?


Rob:

4 hours of my life back?  Specifically, from the even numbered movies.

No one looks more relieved that the series is over than Robert Pattinson.

Kym:

As our criticism might suggest, it's not a perfect movie by far, but it's an adequate ending and a hell of a lot better than Breaking Dawn part 1.


Rob:

Eh, it's alright, but the only one I really liked was Twilight 1, which was at its heart a highly dysfunctional love story, which is interesting, to say the least.  Four movies later, and boyfriends worldwide can finally move on...

...

Kym:

Tom Hanks never seems to have a very good time whenever he goes out to sea.


Rob:

And this time he doesn't even get a volleyball to console him.


Kym:

Instead he gets Somali pirates. Yikes!

Not quite as wacky a team as Cool Runnings

 Kym:

Tom Hanks really should've gotten a best actor Oscar nomination for his role here.  He really did a great job of adding tension and believability to the role.  The actors playing the Somali pirates were also really good as well.


Rob:

The rest of the cast was just sort of 'present'.  We never really learn anything about them, and for 90% of the movie they're either hiding or having a gun pointed in their face.

Alright everyone, your motivation is 'not wanting to be shot'

Kym:

What really adds to the story is the time spent with the pirates before they attack the ship.  Not only does it help make everything seem more real, and the pirates more dangerous, but it gives a little back story and context to the plot.

Rob:

Basically, the pirates are at least partially victims of circumstance.  The large commercial fishing vessels take most of the fish along the coast, and they haven't had a stable government in ages, so pirating is really the only opportunity they have left.


Kym:

Not that this is any consolation to their victims, of course.

You should feel guilty for your extravagant lifestyle AND get the f*ck on the ground!  Multi-task!

Kym:


If you only see one of the movies listed here, I'd definitely make it Captain Philips.


Rob:

From beginning to end, Tom Hanks gives us an Oscar worthy performance, and even if the back story is a little light at times, you see the depth of his character in the way he deals with his struggle.

...

Rob:

Weird fact time!  Taylor Lautner, the actor who played Jacob in the Twilight movie, has a rare medical condition that keeps him from wearing a shirt for more than 45 minutes at a time.


Kym:

Not true, but I wouldn't mind if it was.


Rob:

Let's just call it 'unverified'.  Some verified facts include the BIZARRE ways Breaking Dawn part 1 + 2 chose to portray Renesmee, Edward and Bella's baby.  They chose to use both CGI and animatronic dolls when portraying her as a baby, which was nothing short of a sixty foot plunge directly into the uncanny valley!

Kym:

It's amazing how much effort went into making something that looked so terrible in the end.  I really wish they'd just stuck with a normal baby.


Rob:

For some reason they were absolutely obsessed with having the child look like the actress Mackenzie Foy at EVERY stage of its life, going as far as having 10 actresses of different ages portray her, with Mackenzie's face CGI'd over theirs each time.  Again, the results were at worst: horrifying, and at best: no better than just using a different actress for each age without any CGI.



Kym:

Maybe its not just us.  Being half vampire, she just might look a bit horrifying.  Its not as if Bella or Edward would care if she was.


Rob:

I'm pretty sure Edward was just thrilled that the baby didn't have tan skin, dark hair, and perfect abs.

Toe Pick!

Kym:

Wait, we're reviewing the olympics?


Rob:

Eh, the snowboarding SFX is completely unbelievable. 

I can see the strings.

Kym:

Better yet, since there's still nothing in the movie theaters, how about we review a few Olympic themed movies.  Luckily, virtually all movies about the Olympics are about the Winter one, and not the Summer.


Rob:

Well, movies unfortunately tend to be very 'white people-centric', and we tend to excel in sports involving skating and hockey.  

For us, by us

Kym:

Not to discount the achievements of the athletes in the Winter Olympics, but it is a little shameful that the only Olympic themed movie that immediately comes to mind that doesn't revolve around white characters is our first movie, Cool Runnings.


Rob:

The next closest is Space Jam.

Still more historically accurate than 'Hoosiers'

...

Rob:

For those not completely up to speed on the story/history:

1. They're from Jamaica.

2. They have a bobsled team.


Kym:

Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, its bobsled time!


Rob:

One thing to get out right away is that this was a very intentionally goofy movie.  Personally, I think they went a bit overboard with the goofiness, to the point it detracted a little from the inspirational moments.

Sanka Cofie's famous Oscar winning scene.  Yes, that is his character's name.

Rob:

We also have a very clean and family friendly Jamaica, whereas the real poorer areas look less like beach bungalows and more like the worst parts of Miami. 


Kym:

It is loosely based on real events though, although the characters and their personal stories are all fictionalized.  Derice, the main character, was indeed a man who dreamed of being in the Olympics, and after failing to make it into the Summer events, he puts together a Jamaican Bobsled team!

Who hasn't dreamed of doing the same at some point in their lives?

Rob:

Only his name wasn't Derice.  It was the surprisingly unethnic sounding Winston Watts.  And although the movie didn't go into what his character did for a living, in real life he was a military man, who served in the Jamaican National Guard.

Pictured above: the real team, looking quite cool, actually. Dig the 80's stache.

Kym:


Well they had to add a bit in order to make it a full movie, but they probably could've added a bit more of the real story, considering how impressive it is.


Rob:

Although I liked John Candy's performance, his character 'the former champion who coaches them' didn't actually exist.  The team made it all the way on their own (again, reality was even more inspiring), but I guess they wanted an immediately recognizable actor in there.

Passing him off as 100% Jamaican was probably off the table.

Kym:

One of the best things about the movie is its smart use of actual footage from the 1988 Olympics.  Despite the differences in the characters/story, the movie brings you to the real events with the actual footage, complete with the team's real highs and lows, including its dramatic finale.


Rob:

All in all, it's a goofy, but inspirational and fun movie.  Despite what they said in that Futurama episode, they did have quite a bit of success, including outperforming many of the more competitive teams, and winning a championship in Monaco. 


Kym:

It's all the more relevant today, now that Jamaica is competing in bobsledding again!

Go get em guys!

...

Rob:

Arguably the most 'USA! USA! USA!'-iest of any movie poster ever.


Kym:

The 70's history montage was a little out of place at the beginning.  I know it's important to show why America was so down at the time, and in dire need of a morale boost....but this is a little ridiculous.


Rob:

They seem to be suggesting that this hockey team was responsible for single-handedly taking down all of America's enemies at once, which was actually a combined result of Sylvester Stallone in Rocky 4 and Rambo 2.

Ben Affleck may have helped out a bit as well.

Rob:

Seriously though, the over-solemness of the opening kind of comes off as a little silly.  Regardless of the backdrop and situation, it's just hockey.  Important hockey, yes, but perhaps not quite as important as the moon landing.


Kym:

After that, the movie dives into the construction of the team, and the thought process of the man both putting it together and coaching it, Herb Brooks.


Rob:

The first, and last time a 'Herb' was relevant.


Kym:

More than anything else, his most important contribution was getting them to put together a team that he cold mold into the perfect opponent for the Soviets at the next Winter Olympics, instead of just taking a handful of great players and throwing them together.  They have a very interesting point in the movie on All-Star teams, and why putting together a bunch of large egos doesn't actually result in success.

Or in some cases it does....

...but often it doesn't.

Kym:


I really liked the production values and small touches in this movie.  They really brought the era back to life, and it's the little things that stand out, like old fashioned board games, old hairstyles, and classic cars.

Rob:

And that little kid's cool Indiana Jones costume!  Man, is he ever in for a disappointment during his 30's.

It was a simpler, better time....before the number 4 came around....

Rob:

God, I hate Shia Labeouf.


Kym:

It's not entirely his fault, you know.  There were also aliens and dumb SFX.


Rob:

Yes, but Shia will serve as a more than adequate whipping boy.

And I know someone who has a whip...

Rob:

Coach-centric sports movies are nothing new, of course.


Kym:

The most famous one that comes to mind is Remember the Titans, but what really stands out in Miracle is how rough and demanding coach Herb is.


Rob:

I like the 'good coach' - 'bad coach' routine he has with Dr. Jenner...er...Craig Patrick.


Kym

His abusive style was to the point it almost resulted in PTSD for the players.  Remember the Titans would've been a bit different that way....

Good job with all the racial equality!  Now run laps until you all go insane! Now do it again!

Kym:

I thought the movie was a little long, however.  It takes a hell of a lot of time before we even see the team play a real hockey game.


Rob:

There's no denying that the final act is amazing.


Kym:

The 'big game' at the end is where the production values really pay off.  It really feels like you're at the Olympics.


Rob:

We won't say any more, and spoil the ending.


Kym:

You might be a little late there, dear.

 

Spoilers: USA! USA! USA!

...

Kym:

What's better than winning a gold medal?  Falling in love!


Rob:

Especially if that woman is Moira Kelly. 

There's no way I'm gonna give up hock...I'M IN.

 Kym:

*Sigh* Anyway, this our favorite of our Olympic triathlon of movies, a romantic comedy about a bitchy figure skater falling in love with a washed out hockey playing caveman.


Rob:

Starring Eric Lindros and Brian Boitano.

Cue music...

Kym:

That'd be an interesting remake, but no.  This one stars Moira Kelly and D.B. Sweeney, and it's really thanks to them that the movie was such a success.  They had marvelous chemistry together, and even if they weren't really in love, it's obvious they were both having a really good time.

Rob:

I love the playful romantic jabbing they both give back and forth, challenging and picking on each other.  It also makes the earlier parts of the film a lot funnier and more entertaining than your average Rom Com.


Kym:

The best scene in the movie is their first skate, where our Hockey playing hero has trouble keeping his balance on figure skates, and boy does our taunting heroine rub it in.

 

Full scene!

Kym:

Gotta love it.


Rob:

You have to.  It's science.

Kym:

The plot may not be anything too new, as it's more or less a typical 'Lady and the Tramp' setup, with the rich spoiled princess meeting the gruff womanizing neanderthal...


Rob:

Yes, a tale as old as time, and as true as it can be.  Barely even friends, and then somebody bends unexpectedly.  Just a little change, small to say the least... 


Kym:

That's enough, dear.

Rob:

Just wanted to get that stuck in everyone's heads.

Next week it's Song of the South.

Kym:

Another weakness is the obvious constraints of the budget.  These production values are LOW.

The Olympics...or your average state college ice ring....whichever...

Rob:


I honestly couldn't tell when they were at major competitions.  Everything just looked so generic.  Another drawback was the forgettable supporting cast.  Not bad, just forgettable.


Kym:

Yes, but their wonderful performances and amazing romantic chemistry really save the day, bringing us the best Olympic movie ever!  There weren't any other contenders, were there?


Rob:

Uh...perhaps Chariots of Fire?


Kym:

What's that one about?


Rob:

Uh...a beach....running....and a soundtrack?


Kym:

Cutting Edge it is.

Also, the only one to get mediocre direct to TV sequels, the true measure of theatrical success.

...

Rob:

Weird fact time!  Moira Kelly from The Cutting Edge has a hell of a range.  She's not only played an Olympian falling in love, but also a femme fatale in Twin Peaks, Nala in the Lion King, and even Helen Keller!


Kym:

Now-a-days she does a lot more TV work, starring in shows like One Tree Hill and the West Wing, and winning awards for the latter. 


Rob:

Overall, she did quite a bit better than her hockey hunk D.B. Sweeney.  Although his career didn't go 'terribly', he basically got stuck as a character actor, doing a lot of low budget movies and TV shows.


Kym:


He did win quite a few awards for his performance in the movie  'Two Tickets to Paradise'.


Rob:

Know who else starred in that award winning movie?  Moira Kelly.


Kym:


Toe pick!