My Heart Will Go On....and On.....and On.....and On....

Rob:

Don't get us wrong, we're not talking about TV repeats.


Kym:

No, we're talking about the sheer limitless number of sequels, adaptations, and prequels out there this season.  How many actually original movies are there out there this season?  Most certainly single digits only.


Rob:

Before we start our yearly Summer preview, let's start with the a movie Kym and I (and numerous other women and their fellow whipped boyfriends) saw:

Kym:

Come on, even you guys have to admit: it's a kick-ass movie!


Rob:

No question, it is a very kick-ass movie....only problem is that there's a movie BEFORE the kick-ass movie, that's an hour and a half of dull romance, wandering around a ship, and deciding if they want to name their next flagship the S.S. Hubris, the S.S. Totally Invincible, or the S.S. Fuck You God. 


Kym:


It's important for establishing characters, and getting you to really care about the people who are doomed to die, for no good reason at all.  Even the most jaded boyfriend has to admit it looks especially great on the big screen in 3D.  James Cameron movies are all made for it.


Rob:

I certainly didn't mind 3D nude Kate Winslet.  In preparation for viewing, I trained myself to immediately wake from a deep slumber upon hearing the phrase 'draw me like one of your French girls'.  Anyway, the next movie we saw in the theater was...

Kym:

You know your fiance truly loves you when he's willing to bring you the following week to see Titanic again.


Rob:

Near.....far.....for three GOD DAMN hours....I believe that this movie's too long...


Kym:

This movie really stands up to multiple viewings though.  It's a classic that we might not see on the big screen again for a very long time.



Rob:

Sigh....oh well, I guess I can understand that.  So let's move on to the next week, where we finally got the chance to sink our teeth into the hotly anticipated....

Rob:

...



Kym:

I love you, dear!


Rob:

Sigh....let's just move onto the Summer preview, which might be the 'summer of repeats', but at least it starts on a hotly anticipated sequel that has been giving geeks the 'warm fuzzies' since Iron Man 1:

(May 4th)

Kym:

Finally!  I've been waiting over a year for this!


Rob:

Who would have known that of the both of us, you'd be the one going gaga over the Avengers.  Of course, Chris Hemsworth (as Thor) might have something to do with it.  Between him and Robert Downey Jr (as Iron Man), the movie won't be short of any eye candy for the ladies.



Kym:

I feel a little sorry for Chris Evans.  Despite being totally buff and hot, he's still considered the 'shy & geeky' member of the team.  It's difficult to look at him shirtless and think of him as the third most attractive guy on the team, but there you go.


Rob:


Oh well, kids love him.  It's the shield.  Every young boy loves having a toy shield to throw around.  Also, the eye candy isn't all for the ladies.  Scarlett Johansson is as gorgeous as ever. 


Kym:

Not to mention that the movie looks action packed and hilarious!  I can't wait!

(May 11th)

Kym:

Aaaaaaaaaaand there goes my buzz.


Rob:


Yeah, that is a bit jarring.  I've seen the trailer, and I hope that 'one' joke is all limbered up and ready to go, because he's gotta last the entire movie without help from any other jokes to back him up.


Kym:

What the hell does this have to do with the TV show Dark Shadows, which was a vampire soap opera?  Although the creators of this update are claiming that the original show had quite a bit of comedy in it, but I'm pretty sure the comedy didn't revolve around making fun of the fact that it was the 70's.


Rob:

I call this trend 'Slash and Burn' re-imagining.  It's when you reboot something, but only to make fun of how ridiculous it is.  Rather than try and update it, they're just sacrificing the brand in an attempt to make a buck.  It's kind of sad.


Kym:

I'm sure Johnny Depp will give a great performance, but history has shown us that he'll gladly star in terrible movies, so there's a good chance it won't be enough.

(May 18th)

Rob:


WHAT THE?!  Oh...whew!  For a moment, I thought it was Titanic again.  Instead we have Battleship, the movie based on a kid's boardgame.  I advise the aliens to 'aim for the middle of the board'.


Kym:

Putting this in modern day against aliens is kind of ridiculous, given that it's supposed to be WW2.  Of course, I'm sure that wouldn't really thrill audiences, but neither did the last alien themed summer blockbuster: Cowboys Vs Aliens.  With enough Michael Bay-ish special effects, I'm sure it'll do well though.

 
Rob:


But how well?  The movie cost around 870 Jillion dollars!  Now that's an expensive board game!  Nothing short of a spectacular showing will save this movie from a 'John Carter' like fate.

(May 25th)

Kym:

Men in Black 1 was a really fun movie, and despite the lacking script/premise, 2 wasn't bad either.


Rob:

Even if you surrender every other point, you have to admit that Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones don't give bad performances.  The 2nd Men in Black may have been a bit deficient overall, but Will Smith delivered his lines with some of the best comic timing I can remember (the scene after they get flushed, where Smith is trying to convince Jones that he used to LOVE getting flushed, is one of my all time favorites)


Kym:


I really like that the overall look of the movie is similar to the old fashioned 50's sci-fi films, and despite Tommy Lee Jones having a smaller role, I have high hopes for the movie, and it's new leading star, Josh Brolin.



Rob:

Goonies never say die!

(June 1st)

Kym:

Thor, take 2!


Rob:

Snow White re-makes, take 807!


Kym:

Despite the literally hundreds of Snow White remakes flooding TV and movies, this one looks pretty good.  Lots of action, romance, Chris Hemsworth, and evil magic!  Hopefully, Kristen Stewart will do a better job here than as the vacant Bella. 


Rob:

No way she could do worse.

(June 8th)

Kym:

Guess which Uncle and Aunt are going to have to bring their niece to this?


Rob:

I can only guess.  Kym fell asleep during the 2nd Madagascar (our 3rd date, and 2nd movie together), but as far as mediocre, 'C-list actor' filled kids movies go, the Madagascar series is relatively painless.  If nothing else, Chris Rock always has a good line or two in them, and it gives Ben Stiller a paycheck.  (He helped give us the Royal Tenenbaums, he deserves it)

(June 8th)

 Rob:

Oooo oooo oooo!  *Jumps up and down*


Kym:

I don't know much about the Alien series, but this looks pretty good.  The special effects alone are really impressive.



Rob:

I'll quickly catch you up on the story, through mime!  *Begins miming*




Kym:

Okay....Rob's acting as if he has some sort of squid on his face....now something's leaping out of his torso....he's turned off most of the lights...now he's running around in his underwear.....and now he's hurling himself out the window.....



Rob:

The rest is pretty much just disappointing sequels.


Kym:

All I really know is from the Disney World great movie ride.  The aliens are indeed freaky, and remind me of the aliens in Independence Day.


Rob:

Alien came first.


Kym:

Independence Day was a better movie.


Rob:

*SPIT TAKE*


Kym:

Will Smith was really good in it!


Rob:

*MONOCLE FALLS OFF*


Kym:

Let's just move on....

(June 22nd)

Rob:

One of the only 'non-sequel/prequel/remake' movies out this summer...although it is sort of a 'princess movie', so it sort of be seen as a disney sequel.



Kym:

I don't think so.  She may be a princess, but she's the first princess in a Pixar movie, and the only Disney princess I can think of that doesn't need a man to faun over.  Merida is a kick-ass young woman who loves living independently, doing what she wants to.  Even Mulan didn't get that.  She got a shoe horned in love interest at the end, instead.



Rob:

Think of Merida as less whiny, pretentious, and man dependent 'Katniss Everdeen'.  Should be great, then again, Pixar movies generally are.  If nothing else, it's certain to be an absolutely gorgeous movie, and that alone is worth the price of admission.

(June 22nd)

Rob:

Not since 'Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus' have I been so sold on a movie just from the title alone. 



Kym:


How can you not love this premise: Abe Lincoln's mother was killed by a vampire, and so a grown up Honest Abe uses a silver coated axe to hunt the undead.



Rob:

The preview had all I ask for in a movie.  As long as the movie includes at least one scene of Abraham Lincoln going all 'Buffy' on a group of vampires, with a silver axe, I will leave the theater a happy man.



Kym:

You know...although this movie is definitely aimed at guys, I must admit, I'm excited to see it as well.  Perhaps it's the Buffy/Angel marathons of my youth, but I think this premise has real potential.



Rob:

Get your Academy Awards ready.  Oscar season is starting a little early this year....




....




Kym:

The second half of the Summer movie list will be up next week.  Until then, check out our top 6 (we tried to keep it at 5, but failed) movies we're most looking foward to seeing:





Rob:

1. Dark Knight (preview next week)

2. Avengers

3. Brave

4. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter

5. Expendables 2 (preview next week)

6. Prometheus


Kym:

1. Avengers

2. Brave

3. Snow White and the Huntsman

4. Dark Knight (preview next week)

5. Men in Black 3

6. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter




Rob:


Finally, based on the schedule, the next few movies we'll most likely be seeing:

Uh....pardon?

Rob:

The geese are escaping from the loading bay! Now we only have 30 seconds before the Mayan prophecy comes true!


Kym:

Don't worry, the alien syndicate would never allow such heresy. They'll just use 7 of the 8 moon crystals to go back in time, and keep the Titanic from sinking!


Rob:

I see their 100 foot tall ambassador now...but he doesn't have the crystals! He seems to be holding something else...a subpoena?!


Kym:

His wife must have gotten the crystals in the divorce! We have to call the president, to let him know that every potted plant in the White House must be destroyed at once!


Rob:

And now you readers at home are all as confused as Kym and I were when we began watching the mid-season replacements on TV.


Kym:

Seriously! None of these shows make any sense at all! Some of them are trying to use that as a gimmick, in a bid to replace Lost.


Rob:

Which is kind of dumb, considering that Lost's never-ending mysteries were beginning to grate on everyone's nerves as it was, coupled with its disappointing ending...as far as the fans are concerned, at least. Personally, I really liked the ending.


Kym:

What was your favorite part?


Rob:

The part where it ended.


Kym:

Ah. Well, let's start with the most confusing of the bunch, Alcatraz.





Rob:

I 'want' to like this show, as I always like watching Hurley (Jorge Garcia). I just wish they use show made more sense.


Kym:

It's not the action itself, which is a fairly common police procedural drama, but what's happening behind the scenes. It kind of pisses me off, because NOTHING really makes sense. Alcatraz's inmates from the 60's time travel into the present and work on behalf of an evil organization?


Rob:

You'd think the evil organization could get recruits from the present, especially with 10% unemployment. Are violent criminals so hard to find that you have to break the laws of nature to get some on your side? If Cobra can find new recruits, after losing a couple hundred a week from fighting GI Joes, I'm sure these time traveling baddies can as well.


Kym:

And it makes even LESS sense, because the plot revolves around 'solving the mystery' around the time traveling...but several of the people on the good guy's side are from the past as well! Can't they like...ask? Are they too embarassed? And what the hell's with the keys?!


Rob:

And why is our heroine such a lousy cop? She gets kidnapped and/or disarmed at least three times an episode. All in all, it's not a good show at all, despite Jorge Garcia and Sam Neill's nice performances.





Kym:

So...can you explain 'Luck' to me?


Rob:

Nope. Not in the least. I admittedly don't know too much about horse racing, but in any case there's no way I could possibly follow this clusterf*ck of a drama.



Kym:

It reminds me a bit of the Sopranos, only instead of angry Italians, we have angry comedians.


Rob:

You said it. Dustin Hoffman, Kevin Dunn, Richard Kind, Nick Nolte...



Kym:

Nick Nolte?


Rob:

Well, I laughed.



Kym:

I did my best to follow the story, but it keeps jumping around to about fourteen different characters, never explaining anyone's identity, motivations, or...anything, really. To make it worse, half the cast either mumbles, or speaks with a weird accent.


Rob:

All we know is there's horse racing, some sort of gambling, a few hotel rooms, and everyone's angry with each other. I can't even recall anyone's names. One guy just got out of jail, another guy's always on a phone, another guy's Spanish, another guy's in a wheel chair, and another guy's Nick Nolte. Everything else is a blur.



Kym:

Great job, HBO. Money well spent.





Kym:

Mystery isn't necessarily a bad thing, of course. In Touch, I think it actually works. Part of the reason is because we know and understand the 'who' and 'why'. The 'who' is a young autistic boy who can tell the future, but can't talk, only communicating through numbers and odd clues. The 'why' is because he's part of the next great evolution in mankind. It's figuring out what's going to happen, and what has to be done, that makes it interesting.


Rob:

It is interesting, although it gets more than a little ridiculous at times (the same number matches a day, time, and a person's address???). It's quite entertaining though, with Keefer Sutherland playing the part of badass-father, instead of the regular badass-badass on 24.



Kym:

There's enough action to keep things going, and the elements of the plot come together well. Although it's confusing in that I'm not sure where it's going, or how things are happening, it's probably the best of these new bizarre shows.





Rob:

I have slightly mixed feelings with The River. More so than any other of these shows, it reminds me of Lost, although the magical elements are a bit more overt, giving it more of an X-Files feel.



Kym:

It's a pretty good adventure/action show, with a family and camera crew sailing down a magical South American river, filled with monsters and ghosts to keep things suspenseful. The whole thing has sort of a Supernatural/Angel feel to it, which isn't a bad thing.


Rob:

(It might be a bad thing)




Kym:

*SMACK*


Rob:

Ouch! I thought you couldn't see things in parentheses!



Kym:

Doesn't work when it's typed out. As for The River, I can see it working as a mini-series, but I just don't think there's enough material here to make a full series with it. They're either going to find the source of the river, or they won't.


Rob:

In a sense, it has the opposite problem as Alcatraz. TOO MUCH is known. We already know all the important characters, what's happened, what's going to happen, and why. Everything from now until they find the source/father, is just killing time.



Kym:

Let's just hope it doesn't take 5 seasons to get there.





Rob:

Orange and blue. Why's every movie/tv poster have to be orange and blue?




Kym:

Can you explain THIS show to me?


Rob:

Oh sure, this is a lot easier to follow than Luck. Basically, he's dreaming half of his life, and in one half his wife is dead, and in the other his son is dead. The problem is, he can't tell which is reality and which is the dream.




Kym:

I liked Jason Isaacs performance, known to Harry Potter fans as Lucius Malfoy.



Rob:

And known to Harry Potter fangirls as Luscious Malfoy.




Kym:

Awake was interesting, but a bit hard to follow. I do like the aforementioned orange and blue tinging, just to help signify which of the realities he's in. It might be a bit too weird of a concept to work though, so we'll have to see if it pans out.




Rob:

I really liked it, and although it's 'yet another' cop procedural show, at least it's a highly unique and interesting one.




Kym:

Let's just hope it doesn't turn out to be yet another 'all a dream/hallucination/afterlife' ending. Lost might sue for copyright infringement.


FINAL RATINGS:


Alcatraz: Ignore it until it either goes away, or makes a lot more sense.

Luck: Don't bet on this one.

Touch: Check it out!

The River: Watch, until it gets repetitive.

Awake: Worth a shot.

Holiday....Spectacular?

Rob:

'Spectacular' is a strong word to use for the recent flurry of movies released this holiday season.


Kym:

'Mediocre' would be a better word...but before we get into that, we'd like to warn you all about a new problem within our movie industry, specifically with the fantasy genre. We call it 'Harry Potter Syndrome'.





Kym:

Don't worry, it has nothing to do with being compelled to dress like Harry.





Rob:

Or terrible haircuts. No, this is the desire for a series to become the next Harry Potter. It's understandable, given the uptillion-zillion dollars the series has made, but instead of trying to make something new, exciting, and with broad appeal...


Kym:

They're just throwing huge budgets at other Young Adult book series, hoping it becomes the 'next big thing', spawning a colossal series of movies. Thanks to this, we have incredibly expensive and over elaborate 'kids' movies, like the Narnia series, Golden Compass, Vampire's Assistant, Star Wars Clone Wars cartoon, and a (most likely) upcoming Ender's game movie.


Rob:

Ender's game might have a little too much...how shall I put this...underage sex in it for it to really catch on with the masses. Oh yeah, and incestuous undertones. That too.


Kym:

*SIGH* Anyway, what we're getting at is that trying to become the next Harry Potter is turning movies that may have achieved modest success into colossal flops, simply because the budget goes way over where it should be. Yet, another terrible aspect of Harry Potter syndrome is what it does to the last movie.


Rob:

Specifically, it 'splits' it. Harry Potter started a dangerous precedent by splitting Deathly Hallows into two movies. I can understand why they did it though, as there was no way to fit that entire story into one movie.


Kym:

And unlike the previous few books, they can't make up enough difference by cutting out Hermoine's battle for house elf rights, Quidditch, or generic teen angst.


Rob:

The precedent, however, was eagerly picked up by Twilight, who was looking for an excuse to double their profits simply by tearing the script in half.





Kym:

The movie has its moments, and they managed to work through some of the 'crazier' moments of the novel, but overall it's very very SLOW.


Rob:

A moment of silence, for the two hours of my life I'll never get back.


Kym:

You did that joke already for 'Water for Elephants'.


Rob:

Robert Pattinson started it!


Kym:

In any case, Breaking Dawn did not have to be two movies. This movie's unbelievably padded, stretching along a thin plot from scene to meaningless scene. We get it, Bella's suffering! Can we move on?


Rob:

Not where there's more money to be made. Thanks to Harry Potter syndrome, I think we can expect final chapters of all long running series to be stretched into two movies. At least until one of them bombs (probably Hunger Games 3 part 2, or something).








Kym:

Uh...dear, you put both pictures up at once, for both the new Mission Impossible and Sherlock Holmes.


Rob:

Two movies? What are you going on about? I'm pretty sure it was just one.



Kym:

No the...on second thought, you might have something there. Both were sequels with a star filled cast. Both mixed action and comedy.


Rob:

Lots of special effects that despite looking good, really began to wear down upon you as the movie went on, with spectacle replacing content. Both movies obviously had 'Imax' in mind.



Kym:

Both pandered to female viewers...or attempted to anyway. They each equally failed in that regard, with the Holmes/Watson thing being way too overt...





Kym:

And Tom Cruise not exactly 'doing it' for most women these days.





Rob:

I'm not sure what expression is on those women's faces, but I'm pretty sure it's not 'barely contained lust'.



Kym:

Although there's much to appreciate in both movies. Both had a nice cast, which worked well together.


Rob:

Both included great performances from talented British comedians.









Rob:

And yet, both the movies just come across as 'generic'. Both also include a somewhat boring villain that somehow manages to keep physically overpowering our hero, despite being twice their age and completely out of shape. Thanks for the realism!




Kym:

Neither of these movies are anything we haven't seen in the previous installations, and they could have also cut 20 minutes off the run time without hurting either movie in the least. All in all, this goes to show us the importance of...


Rob:

International markets.



Kym:

Right...wait, what? I was going to say 'creativity, and showing the audience something completely new'.


Rob:

That too, but if we look at these two movies alone, MI4 is doing a lot better than SH2 overall, and it's thanks to international markets.



Kym:

Why? Foreign countries aren't exactly portrayed very nicely in MI.


Rob:

Has nothing to do with it. It comes down to the simplicity of its plot. The plot of MI is a lot easier to follow (or simply ignore) than the rampant twists and turns of Sherlock, which translates to more international appeal, since the subtleties of any movie plot (from any country) is usually lost when using subtitles or dubbing. The end result: SH barely covered its budget, and MI is swimming in money Scrooge McDuck style, thanks mostly in part to international markets, which is almost double that of its domestic take.



Kym:

No accounting for taste, I guess. I actually preferred Sherlock Holmes, for Robert Downey Jr's charm. Instead of charm or witty dialog, Mission Impossible mostly had running. Lots and lots of running.


Rob:

I still don't get what you mean by 'preferred', as if there were two different movies here.


Kym:

For the last time, they aren't exactly the same. Sherlock Holmes was far more homo-erotic, if nothing else.



Rob:

Marking the first time in history were a Tom Cruise movie is compared to a film he wasn't in, and deemed the 'less gay' of the two.




KYM'S FINAL RATINGS:


Twilight Breaking Dawn: buy on blu ray if you're a fan

Sherlock Holmes 2: blu ray, but wait for a sale

Mission Impossible: ignore, unless it's very cheap


ROB'S FINAL RATINGS:


Twilight Breaking Dawn: (men, hide as long as you can) D+

Sherlock Holmes 2/Mission Impossible 4: C+

Kym:

We'll be back next week with a normal movie update, after we check out the new Sherlock Holmes movie. Until then, for the holiday season, I'm going to let Rob take center stage with a very magical Christmas rant.


Rob:

Thank you, luv! So without further ado...





I HATE TINY TIM!


That statement is, in essence, the entirety of this post. Since I've got some time to kill, please allow me to elaborate.

Since as long as I can remember, I've been continually subjected to version after version of the Christmas Carol. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, mind you. Many is the memory of smiling as the classic tale appeared on the screen of my TV during the holidays.

I have, however, equally as many memories of cringing in despair as a horrible cartoon version of the tale began, and my memory has only unclouded a small portion of the repressed horror and despair felt as Tiny Tim limped his way onto the screen, with an ear bleedingly squeaky voice, and fresh face that even Mother Teresa would have gladly sucker punched.





Well...during any other time of the year, at least. During the holidays, and in the context of the story, we have no choice but to love him...although I don't remember every personally loving him, liking him or even standing him.

All I remember is a long drawn out scream as I clawed my way deep into the Christmas tree, begging for his solo to be over...




Make it stop...


...but let's not dwell on such things! Let's instead dwell on the incredible, ney, epic number of versions of this tale, so you, the potential victim, can shield yourself from the depths of the darkest pit of rasselberry dressing...






Scrooge (1970):

In my opinion, probably the best overall version of the Christmas Carol. More so than any other, it balances entertainment vs culture, bringing us something we'll all enjoy watching, without involving talking animals or shameless celebrity cameos.

[Side note: I don't know why I always feel the need to start with the best, only to descend slowly into the dark, painful grip of 'he who shall not be named' (I can hear the clank of his crutch approaching even now...), but I might as well go with it.]

This version is a musical, but the songs are mostly enjoyable, and easy to hum along with. The cast was all quite good, although Kenneth More as Scrooge was a bit generic, and it takes a little while to get started. That says nothing of Tim, who had a horrifying 'Oliver from the Brady Bunch Quality', and a solo that even his own mother'd 'mute'.

On a positive note, this version gives life to often overlooked characters, such as the debtors to Scrooge, the wife of Scrooge's nephew, and Scrooge's ex-fiancee. Also, this is one of the few versions that we can clearly see that Scrooge honestly believed he was a good person, and that it's as much ignorance as it is greed that taints his heart.

Overall the song and dance numbers are delightful, the plot and cast is good, Scrooge had great chemistry with ghost of Xmas present, and Jacob Marley (played by Sir Alec Guinness...that's right, Obi-wan!).

The debtors rousing chorus of 'thank you very much' is fantastic, and the scene in hell, which is usually ommitted from the television version, gives a unique glimpse as to what awaits Scrooge in the afterlife, with Jacob Marley snickering all the way. Oh, and the Scrooge redemption scene at the end is so delightfully over the top, complete with the other character's priceless 'reactions' to his change of heart, that there's no way not to love this wonderful version of the story.






Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Okay, keep in mind that when it comes to the Muppets, I'm far from impartial. For a time in my life, I was absolutely obsessed with the fuzzy guys (pretty much from preschool to second year of college).

As a fan, I can assure you that not only is this one of the best Muppet movies, but it's a great version of the Christmas Carol as well, blessed by an amazing performance by Michael Caine, who not only makes Scrooge hilarious, but also deep and poignant as well. While coming in as my second favorite version overall, Caine's easily my favorite Scrooge, and starts the movie delightfully dry and cold, seething with bitterness and hatred underneath.

This version is fairly accurate, although it was livened up with the Muppets themselves, lots of random gags, and they made Scrooge a landlord rather than a moneylender, since it's a position and situation that kids are far more likely to understand.

Marley is split into the brothers Marley and Marley, so they can be played by both Statler and Waldorf. Despite adding a lot of jokes for laughs, the Henson studios do admittedly go the extra mile to show the pair as damned, in some sort of karmic retribution for heckling Fozzie all those years.




You shall not have joked in vain...


Kermit nails the part of Bob Cratchett (love his shaking), the ghost of Christmas past is delightfully creepy, Christmas present is delightfully strange, and future is...okay, pretty generic.

The scene where Scrooge's girlfriend leaves him in the past is quite sad and magical, again thanks to Caine's performance, but for some reason the song 'the love is gone' was edited out of the theatrical release, and only included in the video. I guess they figured they'd lose their young audience's attention, which is a shame since it's quite a touching song, ending with Scrooge singing along, and finally breaking down to tears, and with every second of it being believable, and absolutely wonderful.

Robin is yet another annoying Tiny Tim, the nephew is as generic as ever, and I have mixed feelings about Gonzo constantly interrupting as narrator along with Rizzo, but Scrooge's confrontation with Piggy at the end is classic.

Anyway, Michael Caine is god, and we should totally hang out together some time (call me!).






Scrooge (1951)

Far more dramatic then its counterparts, this b&w British version holds just the right amount of comic relief as well. Unlike the first entry, this version is not a musical, and includes a few of the more serious scenes which are usually omitted from the original screenplay, like Scrooge's sister dying, and the children of the world clutching to the Ghost of Christmas Present's legs.

Scrooge himself, played by Alistair Sim, is magnificent, providing a far more realistic and tragic figure then the musical, as his suffering seems far more genuine.

That said, this version is also a bit perplexing, as the poor and destitute Cratchett family...doesn't seem very poor and destitute.

That's a fairly nice house you live in Bob. Is that a painting on the wall? Well, you've certainly done all you possibly could to save Tim. I can see how selling the Rembrant would be a step too far.

Listen, I hate Tim as much as anyone, but this Tim isn't nearly as annoying as the ones that got songs.




You may live.






Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983)

A remarkably good portrayal of the Christmas Carol, and unlike the others, they achieve this in an amazingly concise 25 minutes. This short running length is achieved mostly by cutting out excess scenes and dialog (Mrs. Cratchett, played by Mini, doesn’t have any lines at all), but never does the story seem sparse or difficult to follow, even if it's your first time seeing it.

By some small mercy from the gods, Tiny Tim barely says anything, and as an added bonus, the graveyard scene is one of the most powerful out of all the versions of the story I’ve seen. Not only do they not beat you over the head with Tiny Tim’s death, but Black Pete is, hands down, the best ghost of Christmas Future of them all. He shows his face, lights a cigar, and laughs as Scrooge falls headfirst into hell.

Definitive? No way, but very to the point and enjoyable. It wouldn’t be the only version of the Christmas Carol I’d watch during the holidays, but I’d watch this one as well. At 25 minutes long, do you really have an excuse not to?






Scrooged (1988)

Not a traditional Christmas Carol, but an effective homage and modern day interpretation, as Bill Murray plays a heartless and hopelessly vain TV executive.

The ghosts are far more bitter and abusive than normal, which actually adds to the movie's charm, and although it's mainly a comedy, Murray puts heart and soul into the part, especially the ending, where Murray does what no other Scrooge did, damning the consequences in order to bring his message of hope and redemption to millions of viewers.

Best of all, Tim only has one line. Yeah, it's 'that' one.



THE LESSER VERSIONS

No need for pictures or lengthy descriptions here. These are the versions you might as well just avoid.



A Christmas Carol starring Jim Carrey (2009)

This version manages to be delightfully creepy and dark, but doesn't really add anything besides gross spectacle added to warrant its 3D ticket price. Also, Jim Carrey's ex-girlfriend is a psycho bitch (no, not Scrooge's, but the real one, Jenny 'Just Say No to Child Vaccinations' McCarthy).



Jetson's Christmas Carol (2000)

Not much here, except the fact that Astro is the sick one instead of Elroy, leading to the possibility of Astro dying (strangely believable enough to gain your attention) and of course leading to Astro delivering the story's final line, which was quite funny.



Flintstones Christmas Carol (1994)

Absolute crap.

Oh, is that an attempt at irony Fred? Oh, are you going to learn a valuable lesson? Congratulations Fred, you managed to make a Christmas Carol slightly less lame than the one you completely ripped off, the worst of them all...



Mr. Magoo Christmas Carol (1962)

Words fail me.

The songs were godawful, and the jokes were lame (the classic Magoo having a hard time seeing actually didn't come up that much). The Cratchett family song is always enough to push me over the edge, leading to my yearly attempt to impale myself on the Christmas tree.

Laugh if you like, but this Tiny Tim, singing about Rasselberry dressing, is enough to shatter even the merriest holiday soul. I would gladly duel this kid to death with crutches, and damn the consequences!

This version's only redeeming value is when Scrooge sees that he's dead, it isn't the fear of death or damnation that causes him to turn, but the fact that he dies alone, unloving and unloved, that finally breaks his heart.

This is by far the most existential moment I've seen Scrooge ever have in any version, as we see that although he's a bitter old man, he's still at heart a sad and lonely boy.

You know what? To hell with it, this is BETTER than the Flintstone's Christmas Carol, rasselberry dressing be damned.



What's that I hear you saying? "If you think you know so much about the Christmas Carol, why don't you just make one myself?" Hmm.....


-Starts black and then fades into the words, in festive trim,


"Robert Max Freeman's Ultimate Christmas Carol".


-Scrooge starts at his television executive job, smiling at himself in the mirror and then showing the board 'his' version of the Christmas Carol commercial.


-Uncle Scrooge's nephew Donald then shows up to bring him a wreath and invite him over to dinner for the holidays, only to get kicked out.


-Without any dialog from Gonzo or Rizzo, Bunson Honeydew and Beaker come in to ask for a donation from Scrooge, only to be kicked out. This scene continues on to Scrooge grudgingly (after delivering a great line 'be here at 8:00...but sir, it's Christmas...8:30 then') giving the staff the day off.


-On his way home, Scrooge (1970) collects debts from the people who owe him money, including the puppeteer and the stew salesman. The songs are edited down, since children can't sing worth a damn. We continue with this version right up until Jacob Marley shows up.


-Muppet Marley and Marley show up to torment Scrooge, telling of their plight, and that three ghosts will visit him. Again, all scenes of Gonzo and Rizzo are edited out. As the bell strikes one, the spooky ghost appears.


-We get the explaination of how 'looking into the past works' from Scrooged, and we continue until the dialog starts between Scrooge's family members.


-We BRIEFLY see the child version of Magoo Scrooge at school sing ONE verse of the song "I'm all alone in the world".


-School finishes out seriously in black and white, straight through the scene of Scrooge's sister dying.


-We see the short Fezziwig scene from Disney's cartoon version, with Uncle Scrooge making moves on Daisy (what would Donald think...now THAT'D be an interesting episode of Maury Povich!)


-Scrooge (played by Michael Caine) watches his young self talk with his girlfriend at the park, and looks on sadly as their love dies before his very eyes, and we continue through the song "The Love is Gone", and Scrooge returns to the present, where...


-The 1970's musical version of Scrooge's Ghost of Christmas present verbally smacks Scrooge around...


-...and the 'Scrooged' Ghost of Christmas present physically beats him up as well!


-There's a brief, heavily edited stop to his nephew's house from the 1970's musical.


-There's a brief, heavily edited stop to the Mickey Cratchett home.


-In black and white, the Ghost of Christmas present shows Scrooge the children of man and crushes Scrooge with a vicious delivery of 'are there no prisons are there no workhouses?'.


-Scrooge McDuck is greeted my the mysterious Ghost of Christmas Past.


-The debtors sing 'Thank You Very Much' for Scrooge.


-Scrooge McDuck finds himself at the graveyard, playing out the entire scene, ending with him falling into hell.


-In hell, Scrooge is tormented beyond belief and it's HILARIOUS!


-Before breaking down completely, Scrooge realizes that the worst tragedy is dying alone, never truly experiencing love and human kindness, and sings ONE verse of "I'm all alone in the world".


-Scrooge, wakes up back in Kansas...I mean in black and white, and scares the hell out of his cleaning lady.


-Scrooge runs into Bunson Honeydew and Beaker, donates a ridiculous sum of money, and receives a gift from Beaker in return.


-The redemption scene with him shopping is right out of the 1970's musical, with only a little bit of editing down for time, right until they get to the Cratchett home.


-Michael Caine is hilarious as he pulls Kermit and Piggy's leg, before revealing his new nature.


-Scrooge quickly goes back to his TV executive job and has a heavily edited (no girlfriend, brother, or Tiny Tim) redemption speech. Just as his girlfriend would show up...


-Scrooge runs into the debtors, starts doing a reprise of 'Thank You Very Much'. and finishes up completely as the 1970 musical, right up until...


-Astro says "Grahd Ress Us Every One!"


Oh, and Tiny Tim's dead.


Yup, just heard it on the news.

I wasn't there.

Ask Kym.

I was making waffles.

You weren't even there.

That isn't my bloody crutch.

I mean that isn't his bloody crutch.

I mean...GOTTA GO!

Rob:

Instead of movies this week, we've decided to focus on DVD shopping for the holidays, which can often be a bit tricky.


Kym:

Luckily, this season has a lot of great options, with plenty of movies that everyone loves!


Rob:

Indeed! For example....







Kym:

These weren't the movies...which coincidentally are two of your all time favorites...I was exactly thinking of.


Rob:

You're right. Any self respecting movie lover already has both.


Kym:

*SIGH* Let's just leave it at that, and move on.





Rob:

It may seem like an odd place to start, since there are much bigger naem movies out there, like Harry Potter 7 part 2, Pirates 4, the Marvel movies and such, but those movies don't usually make very good presents, as most people already have them.


Kym:

Super 8, however, was a little more below the radar, but still a great movie. Not only did it have great special effects, but the plot was good too.


Rob:

It's sort of like Godzilla (2001) only with a soul. I especially loved the kid's dialog, which is some of the most authentic I've ever heard. It's a movie about 12 year olds who act like 12 year olds all in the middle of an alien attack.



Kym:

It's a very good film, overall, and a fine movie to pick up for a family member or friend. Of course, if you're looking for something specifically for women....





Rob:

A moment of silence, for the two hours of my life I'll never get back.


Kym:

Now now, it was quite a good movie overall, although it might not have struck as much a chord with guy viewers. It's a touching, well acted, and interesting movie that looks at some of the seedier elements of the circus industry.


Rob:

I think Carnivale did a better job at that. Still, the ending was solid, and the film has more than enough charm to keep it going. It's a nice idea for the woman in your life. For the guys....





Kym:

Now here's a DVD set that I can enjoy too! The History channel did a great job with this series, and there's just something about war that guys always seem to love.


Rob:

The recent 'Gettysburg' History Channel special was also fantastic, as is Band of Brothers and The Pacific. With guys, war DVDs are usually a pretty safe bet.






Rob:

For the family members who enjoy classics, it's hard to go wrong with this definitive edition of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Now that's the uber awesome origion version, albeit with creepy little people painted orange, not the somewhat awesome remake, with lower overall quality, but thankfully normal oompa loompas.



Kym:

I absolutely love all the extra goodies in this set. Perfect for any lover of the original film! Wait...now that I think of it, is there anyone who didn't like this movie?


Rob:

Tim Burton, apparently.






Kym:

For kids, it's hard to go wrong with Disney DVDs, and they've got a lot of great kids movies out, some for the first time on Blu Ray: Cars 2, Lion King, Winnie the Pooh, Captain America...


Rob:

That's ri...wait, Captain America?



Kym:

It might not be first and foremost a kids movie, but for young boys, it's definitely the superhero of choice this year, judging by all the Captain America costumes this past Halloween.


Rob:

Ah, the pure unbridled joy of flinging a giant patriotic frisbee at your siblings.



Kym:

Speaking of 'for the first time on Blu Ray', there are a lot of great movies out there that most people have on DVD, but may not have on Blu Ray, and the holidays are as good a time as any to get some.


Rob:

Some good examples include many great 'geek' movies: Star Wars, Jurassic Park, and Lord of the Rings. Any card carrying nerd would love to receive any of these on DVDs.



Kym:

You have your nerd card on you, love?


Rob:

Yup, my Wizards of the Coast DCI card, all glossy and everything.



Kym:

Why am I even surprised.





Rob:

Our final category are movies that while definitely good as a holiday gift, don't necessarily need to be on Blu Ray.



Kym:

For the frugal shoppers and unapologetic cheapskates, a normal DVD is not only a fine choice, but in the case of many movies, it's a better idea.


Rob:

I really liked Horrible Bosses, but there's no reason to get it on Blu Ray unless you're a big Jennifer Aniston fan. Me, I'm more of an Emma Stone fan.


Kym:

Not to mention a somewhat unhealthy interest in Helen Mirren and Shelley Duvall.



Rob:

Regardless of that fact, I can't think of any movie the three of them have done that I would really need on Blu Ray. The same goes for most TV series as well. I mean, how clear a picture do you need for the latest season of Grey's Anatomy?




Kym:

There are also some 'acceptable sequels' that are worth getting, if only for completion's sake, but Fastfive, Scream 4, and Kung Fu Panda 2 don't necessarily need the Blu Ray treatment.


Rob:

Although I'll probably splurge to give Emma Stone the Blu Ray treatment.


Kym:

Ditto for Thor. Happy shopping everyone!

...

WORTH IT FOR BLU RAY:

Harry Potter 7 pt 2
Willy Wonka
Jurassic Park
Star Wars
Lord of the Rings
Cars 2
Lion King
Captain America
Thor


FINE ON REGULAR DVD:


Hot Fuzz
Clue
Other movies only Rob likes
Most History Channel specials
Super 8
Water for Elephants
Winnie the Pooh
Horrible Bosses

Fall TV Lineup part 2

Rob:

*Completely out of breath*

...flying predators would be snatching up stray children for snacks...and in conclusion, that is absolutely everything wrong with the show Terra Nova...


Kym:

Are you done, honey?



Rob:

Yeah. Time to move on.





Kym:

Quiet in the gallery/comments! Rest assured, as an avid 'Buffy' fan, there was no possible way I'd miss this show. Unfortunately...


Rob:

It's a crappy CW show.


Kym:

In a nutshell, yes. Sarah Michelle Gellar is doing her best to lend some of her talent to the show, but the plot's weak, the show has absolutely no budget (the shots that supposedly take place on a boat out at sea are downright embarassing), and most of the other actors are boring.


Rob:

Except a pretty good performance from Nestor Carbonell, who you might remember as the mayor of Gotham city in Dark Knight who wore eyeliner for some unknown reason.


Kym:

Don't ask, don't tell.


Rob:

He's sort of the poor man's Raul Julia, but together, him and Sarah do their best to pull the show out of the muck, but they ultimately fail.


Kym:

It depends on your definition of failure. The show already got picked up for a full season, probably due to the appeal of Sarah Michelle Gellar, combined with how cheaply they can throw the show together.


Rob:

Seriously, it's like Baywatch, only without the skin or the Hoff. I wouldn't bother, unless you're that desperate to see Gellar in something new.





Rob:

Yup, it's yet another cop show, combined with yet another 'working woman trying to make it in a male dominated environment'. Only this one is pretty good.


Kym:

Yeah, it's pro-feminist without being preachy. I like the 'Homicide' feel it has. Everything's a bit more gritty and realistic, without getting ridiculously morbid or tragic.


Rob:

That's usually a very fine line to tread. It's difficult to have a show continue being suspenseful without it getting predictable in one way or another, but I like the direction they're take the show, and the performance by Maria Bello.


Kym:

Her character is played very tough, which works well. We recently found out that this is based on a British TV series starring Helen Mirren.


Rob:

No offense, but Helen Mirren is about ten times sexier than Maria Bello.



Kym:

Uh...you do mean Helen Mirren in 1993, when the show aired, and not Helen Mirren now, right?


Rob:

I stand by my statement.






Rob:

Speaking of cop shows, here's a pseudo-cop show starring James Caviezel.



Kym:

Who is he, again?


Rob:

He's the guy who got beaten up really bad in that middle eastern movie.



Kym:

*Googles it* Sigh...you're terrible. All in all, this is sort of a generic cop/spy show, but the actors really help it rise above its similar peers.


Rob:

Caviezel gives a good performance, but let's not forget Michael Emerson, who plays a very difficult part very well, and in many instances comes off as even cooler than the Bond-like secret agent, Caviezel. Not bad for a computer guy.



Kym:

I just knew you'd be rooting for a fellow geek, dear. So far some of the episodes have been hit or miss, but overall it's good, and has been renewed for another 6 episodes. Only time will tell if it's renewed for another season.


Rob:

Besides the overall premise being a little stale, my other problem is that I think the main character is acting a little too nice and merciful for his own good. I can't help but think that if the show was on cable, instead of a network, we'd be watching a much darker show.



Kym:

Speaking of darker shows...





Kym:

Uh...I meant American Horror Story.


Rob:

Then you shouldn't have said 'darker show', because if there's any maestro of terror on television, it's Ron Ben-Israel.






Kym:

Okay, for a Food TV host, the guy is indeed pretty creepy. Even in his lighter moments, he still comes off as an incredibly pretentious ass that makes Gordon Ramsey look 'easy going'. It also doesn't help that he isn't balanced by any other judges. Nope, it's just that one incredibly creepy foreign guy.


Rob:

The show itself is pretty good, but everything is offput by the 'mad genius/serial killer vibe' I keep getting getting from the host. Sort of makes you wonder what terrible fate awaits the three losers.



Kym:

Bottomless pit? Death ray? Ground into flour and served in cakes?


Rob:

If they're lucky! For all we know he might drop them in vats of boiling caramel, or stitch them together into a human centipede!



Kym:

That is DEFINITELY not the vibe you want to get from a Food TV host. The show has promise, but only if they add another judge or two, to balance that weirdo out.





Kym:

Now this is the show I meant when I said 'dark'. After watching a couple episodes, I can assure you that it's not only scary and disturbing, but also a hyper-sexualized mind-f*ck.


Rob:

Hard to believe it's brought to us by the people who made Glee! I like to think that the main premise behind the show is traumatizing teenage Glee fans for life.


Kym:

Well if any show can do it, this one can. It works well as a horror show, even though they do go a bit overboard with the sex and cursing. I guess they feel that since it's cable, they might as well go for it.



Rob:

The show is essentially a well paced, slowly unfolding mystery, but like other similar shows, like Twin Peaks, it runs the risk of burning out. After all, how can you keep this up without every character winding up dead?




Kym:

We'll just have to see. The show is very well made though, and the cast works well. I sort of wish it was on HBO though, not for additional sex and violence, but to eliminate the commercial breaks.


Rob:

I agree, it's difficult to keep up an atmosphere of tension when you interrupt the narrative every few minutes for a Pizza Hut commercial.


Kym:

Still, it manages to be honestly scary and unsettling, which is something few TV shows can do.


Rob:

Even more unsettling is the symbolism within the show. The main couple that's moved into the haunted house recently suffered a miscarriage, and the show starts with a trip to her gynecologist, who says that her body is like a house.



Kym:

So her body is haunted?


Rob:

It gets a little worse than that. You see, the basement of the house is the most haunted and dangerous place, originally filled with a corpse/infant monster. Again, the wife suffered a miscarriage, so if her body is like a house, then the haunted basement would be...


Kym:

Ewwww...


Rob:

Yeah. Needless to say, it's a very disturbing show, but when you're a horror show, and not a cooking competition, it's a good thing.


...

Kym:

All in all, it's been a pretty good opening for Fall season, with only a couple outright losers, and a lot of good potential.



Rob:

My new show of choice is American Horror Story. It's a close competition between that, Revenge, and Person of Interest, but the amazing opening credits is enough to push my vote in their favor, as it rivals True Blood's opening for pure surreal horror.


Kym:

My favorite show was definitely Revenge, as it's just too much fun not to root for our dangerous heroine, who's quietly ruining the lives of every person who ever crossed her family. It's good old fashioned 'mean' fun. Prime Suspect takes a close second place.


Rob:

So with surreal horror and terrible vengeance winning over our hearts, I wish everyone a happy viewing season. If you don't hear from me soon, it may be because I've been frightened to death by the scariest thing imaginable....


Kym:

Ron Ben-Israel guest starring on American Horror Story?


Rob:

*Hides under covers*


Kym:

Oh well. Happy Halloween!

Fall TV Lineup

Kym:

We're continuing our break from new movies for the moment, because Contagion was 'okay, but dull'...


Rob:

And we weren't exactly sure how to stretch thee words into a full page.


Kym:

Exactly, so instead we're going to take a look at some of the new TV shows that have come out this season, staring with...





Kym:

The Playboy Club!


Rob:

Which was already cancelled!


Kym:

So very cancelled!


Rob:

Basically, they took a format for a female focused drama, put them in supposedly 'skimpy' dresses, and then get terrible writers to create everything.


Kym:

Yeah, it just wasn't very good at all. Although I thought you'd like all the girls, in a 'Hooters Waitress' sort of way.


Rob:

Meh. Bunny outfits weren't exactly revealing. I've seen co-workers in skimpier outfits at work. R-I-P-B-N-Y.





Rob:

Now here's a show that gets the same formula right. It's another female focused drama, but it's smart, and the female stars are all remarkably sexy in their flight attendant outfits, without showing barely any skin at all.


Kym:
So far it's a well crafted story, and it's not just about the female characters. The guys are funny and interesting as well. They also did a really good job recreating the time period, and the great jets.


Rob:

Also, it stars Christina Ricci, rocking a Mary Tyler Moore haircut, who's never looked better.


Kym:

Why do guys always obsess on how the female characters look? Noticing and mentioning is one thing, but sometimes it's all you guys talk about.


Rob:

Fine! The male characters are hot too! Happy?



Kym:

Much bet...wait, what?





Rob:

Nevermind, we're already on to the next show, X-Factor: AKA American Idol!



Kym:

American Idol is new?


Rob:

It is if we change the name, and replace the black judge who wears glasses with another black guy who wears glasses!



Kym:

Uh...no it isn't.


Rob:

I guess you're right, it isn't. Disqualified!






Kym:

This is my personal favorite new show of the fall season! It's a good old fashioned revenge story...


Rob:

That's not a figure of speech, either. It is a good old fashioned revenge story: the Count of Monte Cristo. It's not a rip-off though, but an homage. I also really enjoyed watching Emily VanCamp get her terrible revenge week after week.



Kym:

I like how the story is slowly unfolding, with every person who wronged her family each getting their just desserts.


Rob:

Kind of makes me wonder how they plan to make the series last more than a season or two. Oh well, here's to hoping that it does well, so we can find out.



Kym:

Not going to drool over the female cast members?


Rob:

Another meh. Most of the actresses on the show need sammiches. The only exception is the evil Matriarch 'Victoria', played by Madeline Stowe. She's like a cross between a Disney evil stepmother, and a Playboy model. I approve. All in all, I'm going to keep watching, even though it's not really a show targeted toward men.



Kym:

What do you mean? I think guys will like it too.


Rob:

Come on, it's being advertised as the 'dishiest' show on television. I don't even know what that means! No man does!



Kym:

Well I disagree, but we'll move on.





Kym:

We may be a little prejudiced with this one. You see, a while back Fox cancelled a very good show called 'Lie to Me', starring Tim Roth, and replaced it with the X-Factor...


Rob:

American Idol 2: This time, it's exactly the same.


Kym:

...and this show, Terra Nova. Still, I'm willing to give any show a fighting chance. Basically, the future sucks, and there's a time portal that leads 85 million years into the past, where the characters start a new life.



Rob:

Which is annoying, because I found the crowded, dirty, dis-utopian future quite interesting, and the special effects creating it were pretty good.




Kym:

Yeah, but in the past we have dinosaurs! Not exactly Summer Blockbuster quality dinosaurs, but they look alright for a TV show. From there we have survival, warring camps, and overall a cross between 'Lost' and 'Land of the Lost'.


Rob:

Honestly, I wasn't very impressed with it at all. There was very little drama, very poor chemistry...


Kym:

And way too many 'angsty teenagers in love' sub-plots.


Rob:

I also had trouble believing how many problems the people from the future were having. For starters, why do they have supply problems? Can't the future just send them more? And why are the guns so ineffective against the dinosaurs? I mean, we have guns in real life that will tear a T-Rex to shreds in seconds, but their laser guns merely piss the dinosaurs off?



Kym:

I should have expected my fiance to have some 'nerd rage' concerning the show.


Rob:

Also, all the walls around their fort look like crap! Is that the best the future has? We have time portals, but not secure fences? And what's with the slowly moving gate into town? With killer dinosaurs around, you'd think they'd close quickly...


Kym:

So anyway, the show isn't that impressive. I like the special effects, but there just isn't much interesting here. I'd much rather watch 'The Walking Dead', which gets the survivalist genre down much better.


Rob:

...and where the hell are the computers? And shouldn't the people in the future already know how well things are going? Aren't there fossil/archeological records of their fort? If the future still sucks, aren't they guaranteed to ultimately fail? And what happens when primitive man comes around and...


Kym:

Sigh...I think we should just take a break now, and let my future hubby get the geeky ranting out of his system.



Rob:

And the diseases! Don't even get me started on all the ramifications of...


Kym:

See you next week!