"Batman & Bane Meet the Magical Unicorn"

Kym:

We're back!  We spent a few weeks away for personal/family issues (we miss you Willie!). We'll get to Batman in a moment, but first, we have to talk about our trip to see Brave at a dine in theater, where we discovered....



Rob:

Merida's mom is sill smokin' hot.

Yowza!

Kym:

More IMPORTANTLY, that you shouldn't see 3D movies at dine in theaters.  I'm not sure if you've ever been to one, but dine in theaters (or at least the AMC variety)...


Rob:

If you're at an AMC one, I recommend the pizza.  Also, popcorn.  Also, non-Twilight movies.


Kym:

Anyway, there's a little light next to your chair, so you can see the 'call waiter' button. The light from this makes it harder for your eyes to adjust, so the screen seems darker.  It's normally not that big a deal, but 3D movies are darker in any case, because of the glasses.  The combination made the movie so dark, you could barely see.


Rob: 

Did someone say, Dark?

Rob:

Hey!  You're in the way!  We can't see the unicorn!

Kym:

The what?

Kym:

That's...oh.  Damn, now I can't un-see it.


Rob:

Your welcome.
 

Kym:

A new unicorn character would have definitely spiced up the first hour of the movie, which moved at an amazingly slow pace.

Rob:

Sure, we got to see Bane terrorize a few people, but aside from that the first hour is more or less just meetings between businessmen, cops chatting, a high society party or two, guys walking around sewers, and a far too clothed Anne Hathaway.

(Film Flub: dress visible in shot)

Kym:

While you're drooling, I'll point out that a very large number of the scenes really felt unnecessary, dragging out the movie length considerably.  Most of the scenes with Batman are good, and Bane's scenes are necessary for building him up as the villain...with mixed success (more on that later)....but from start to finish, Dark Knight Rises is filled with a nearly endless stream of scenes with the young cop.

Rob:

Or as I like to call him: Junior B-Man.   I think his scenes added a nice 'average Joe's eye-view of the situation, although many of his scenes were indeed pointless, as were any scene involving the underground resistance, government agents, businessmen, or Bane saying things we already know.

We know, dude.  We were there.

Rob:

In fact, Bane's performance in general was more than a little lacking.  It's not the actor, Tom Hardy's fault though.  Chris Nolan for some reason decided that since Bane wore a cloth mask over his face in the comics, he should completely cover his mouth with a gas mask for the movie.


Kym:

Genius!


Rob:

I think I may know why Heath Ledger gave a much better performance then Tom Hardy or Christian Bale in this series: Heath was allowed to talk without a super-raspy voice or muzzle.

(Film fact #354: Joker rules.)

 
Kym:

Between a weird accent and a large muzzle, I'm surprised Tom Hardy was able to give any sort of performance at all.  He's lucky Chris Nolan didn't also want him hopping up and down on one leg, while on fire!

Rob:

Heath Ledger is admittedly a tough act to follow, but after all the difficulty building Bane up, it's all worth it in the end, when we discover....

(SPOILER ALERT)

Rob:

Bane and Batman get married!

See their wedding registration at BaneHeartsBats.com/slash

Kym:

No, it's nowhere as logical.  It turns out he's just the pawn of Batman's girlfriend, who's Ra's Al Ghoul's daughter and...well, the plot sort of goes bananas at that point.

Rob:

It's sort of a nod to the geek fans, as this more or less happens in the comics.  Regardless, I didn't see it coming, thanks to Chris Nolan's very well executed plot. 



Kym:

I saw it coming, even though my hubby to be (29 days to go!) didn't, and in any case it really weakens Bane's character, downgrading him from 'ultimate supervillain' to 'amazingly competent crony'.

(Still a more dignified ending than comic's: beaten by 'Temporary High-Tech Batman Jr')

Kym:

It wouldn't have been so bad if Bane stayed as the main bad guy until the end, perhaps killing Ra's Al Ghoul's daughter to keep her from interfering with the plan, or so that she doesn't suffer.  As it is, the movie doesn't do Bane justice.


Rob:

I for one LOVED the last hour of the movie.  It was a taught and exciting as anything in Inception or Dark Knight, with plenty of great action scenes, an incredibly smart Nolan plot, and the perfect resolution to the series itself.


Kym:

True, but even those big special effects were virtually all revealed during the movie trailers.  Scenes like the collapsing football stadium would've been a lot more powerful if everyone in the audience didn't already know it was coming.


Rob:

That's less of a problem with this movie than it is with movies in general.  Virtually everything is shown in the trailers now.  A prime example is the Pirates: Band of Misfits (or Pirates: an Adventure with Scientists for those outside USA).   It was a really fun movie, but all the best gags were shown in the trailer.  There was almost nothing left to see.

Kym:

Although the criticism most often heard about Dark Knight Rises is that it pales in comparison to Dark Knight.  I gotta admit, they have a point.  Dark Knight was not only a lot more concise, but the thrills were better too, mostly in thanks to Heath Ledger and Aaron Eckhart (2 Face).



Rob:

Personally, I think Americans are just spoiled when it comes to movie villains, especially in superhero movies.  Think about it (both DC and Marvel): 

Tom Hiddleston (Loki)
Liam Neeson (Ra's Al Ghoul)
Jeff Bridges (Obadia Stain)
Mickey Rourke (Ivan Vanko)
Heath Ledger (Joker)
Aaron Eckart (Two Face)
Jack Nicholson (Joker)
Kevin Spacey (Lex Luthor)
Gene Hackman (Lex Luthor)
Danny Devito (Penguin)
Michelle Pfeiffer (Catwoman)
Tommy Lee Jones (Two Face)
Jim Carrey (say what you want, the man's Riddler was perfect)
Hugo Weaving (Red Skull)

...and more!  The villains in super hero movies are always fantastic actors!

 

Rob:

Mostly....


Kym:

Uma Thurman ruins everything.


Rob:

We'll always have Tarantino Movies.  As for Arnold, I can't judge him too harshly for his performance as Mr. Freeze.  Let's see YOU deliver the line: 'Ice to see you!'


Kym:

Anyway, there's a golden standard for supervillains in movies these days, and in my book, Bane doesn't quite cut it.  It may be partially because of his mask, but for me it's mostly because Chris Nolan does a last minute switcheroo with the plot, and suddenly Bane's plans and histories are not his own.  Who is he?  Too late, he's already dead!  And then the movie moves on without him.




Rob:

Sort of a disappointing end for an otherwise powerful character.  Still, I think the plot works, and ultimately it adds to the overall story.


Kym:

I think the movie would've been fine without it.  By the time the ending rolls around, it's too late to build up a new villain, and the whole thing feels a little hollow to me.

Rob:

Eh, we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one....

Kym:


It was no 'Avengers'.



Rob:

Okay, we can agree on that.   

 

Johansson > Hathaway is a proven mathematical theorem

Rob:

Now let's talk about an entirely different sort of Cat Woman...

Kym:

Rob had to take his younger sister to this one without me.  So how was it, dear?  Awful?

Rob: 

Utter horse crap, but that's not the problem.  No one goes to a movie like this expecting a good film.  They expect a short before the feature film (Maggie Simpson's short cartoon was 10x better than the feature film itself), Looney Tunes-like gags, a few songs, B-list celebrity voice overs (by the sounds of it, all done at gun point), the squirrel tries to get an acorn, an unattached character gets a girl/boy-friend, we all learn a valuable lesson, and your kids shut up for a few hours.



Kym:

So, par for the course?


Rob:

Would be, except for this character, which caused an entirely new and thoroughly unpleasant problem for yours truly:

Kym:




Oh, the girl sabre-tooth tiger voiced by Jennier Lopez, and obvious love interest for the guy tiger.  What's the problem?


 
Rob: 

She's too pretty.


Kym:

So...it's bad because it doesn't fit her character?




Rob:

It has nothing to do with the character and plot.  The problem is, she doesn't look like a saber tooth tiger.  She looks like....well....Jennifer Lopez!  For those not aware of it, Jennifer Lopez is one of the sexiest women alive...

(Let the record show: hammina hammina hammina)

Rob:

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise: Jennifer Lopez (both her body and voice) is sexy enough to get any man's libido revving.  There was even some trouble with her on American Idol, where she spontaneously turned several of the male competitors straight.


Kym:

Now that's not fair!  Most of the guys on American Idol ARE straight...


Rob:

SEE?!!!

Kym: 

*Sigh*....wait, are you saying that the problem is you find Shira, the female sabre tooth tigress...sexy?

Rob:

I'm saying that aside from the head and paws, she doesn't really look like a tiger, or even furry for that matter.  She looks like a woman in a body suit.  Couple that with Jennifer Lopez's voice, and my brain keeps trying to imagine this...

...as this:

Rob:

These too images are WAY too close in my brain for comfort, especially the area between Shira's knees and chest.... 

 Kym: 

*Giggle*

Rob:

Laugh if you must, but I was genuinely disturbed!  One half of my brain kept going 'Jennifer Lopez is crawling around like a cat, and that's really hot' while the other replied back 'dude, that's a cat'.  The effect was not pleasant.

Kym: 

I'm sure they were just trying to give her character feminine features.

Rob:

Which is fine if done in moderation, but this is far too extreme!  Nala in the Lion King is a good example of it done right, but this...this is just awful!  If I wanted to see Jennifer Lopez nearly nude, I'd go look at a picture of such, and not watch a kids movie!  Oh, and you know what?
  

Kym: 

What?

Rob:

I DO WANT TO SEE A PICTURE OF JENNIFER LOPEZ NEARLY NUDE!

(AWESOME)

Kym:

What a surprise. 

...

FINAL RATINGS:

The Dark Knight Rises

Rob's rating (school style): B+

Kym's rating (rent/buy/ignore): buy if you're a fan of the series, otherwise rent first.

Ice Age 4: Continental Drift

Rob's Rating: D- (for kids and Furries only)

Kym:  Ignore.  Go get Brave instead.

 ...

(Kym: "What's a Furry?")

(Rob: "A term you NEVER EVER Google.")

God Bless You Nicolas Cage, Wherever You Are....

Kym:

This week, we're going to do something a little different.



Rob:

We'll be reviewing movies we haven't seen!  I'll start with "Gone With the Wind", which was complete and utter horse shi....


Kym:

No, we'll be doing something a lot better...or at least saner.  Although I do like your idea too.  I never saw "Army of Darkness", but I already know that it's terrible.


Rob:

"The Bridge on the River Kwai" could've used more full frontal nudity.  I mean, it did have a lot, but it could have used more.


Kym:

The only part I liked in "Kill Bill" was when Lucy Liu and Uma Thurmon both fell into that active volcano.


Rob: 

"Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" needed less cannibalism.  And realistically, I don't think Jimmy Stewart's body could've fed both houses of Congress.  Not unless they filled up on bread first. 

Kym:

Why don't we stop there.


Rob:

Okie dokie.
 

Kym:

Let's move on to our retro reviews.  This week we didn't see a new movie (due to one last trip to see Avengers...yup, we went yet again, and regret nothing), so instead we'll be going over a few old forgotten favorites.  If you haven't seen these, I highly recommend seeing the Avengers again.

Rob:

Uh, don't you mean....

Kym:

And after you get home, check out some of these old favorites.  The theme this week: action/adventure comedies!

Kym:

Remember when Nicolas Cage made good movies?


Rob:

Of course I remember Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance!

(Awesome!)

Kym:

Remember when Nicolas Cage made movies a normal person would consider good?



Rob:

The 'flaming industrial vehicle' alone was well worth the price of admission!

(And the Academy Award goes to...)

 
Kym:

Anyway, as a rational human being (I hope), I'm talking about National Treasure, another fun action-comedy with a 'Davinci Code' meets 'Indiana Jones' meets 'Nic Cage's never-ending need for cash' sort of movie.  Seriously, what does he spend the money on?

Rob:

Incredibly expensive Elvis memorabelia.  Including the one-of-a-kind "Elvis' daughter", in near-mint condition!

Kym:

I know people often give Nick a hard time, but his choice of starring roles aside, he is a good actor, bordering on 'excellent' as long as the part requires his special brand of crazy enthusiasm.

(Why yes, I'd love to star in an all-nude remake of Ishtar!  Set in post-apocalyptic L.A.? Perfect!)

Rob:

Indeed.  This time, he's brought us a very fun adventure movie revolving around America's forefathers, and clues they left to help point the way to a hidden treasure.  Yeah, it's a bit hokey, but it's a lot of fun, with plenty of great action scenes, and a great performance by Sean Bean as the villain.  Let's just get this out of the way...

(One does not simply walk into the Smithsonian....)

Kym:

Glad you got that out of your system, love.  Anyway, the movie probably could've used a little more action, a few more special effects, and some sort of fight in the finale, but despite it's minor drawbacks, it's a really fun action-adventure movie.


Rob:

Hell, the collapsing staircase scene is better than anything in Indiana Jones 4.


Kym:

It doesn't take much to be better than Indiana Jones and the F*cking Crystal Alien Skull.


Rob:

I actually didn't think Indy 4 was that bad.  It had its moments, and the same fun feel as the rest of the series.  I do wish they introduced a grown up Short Round as a sidekick instead of shoe-horning Shia Labeouf in there, but I liked the reintroduction of Marian, and I give Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull the highest score that any critic gave it! (C+)

Kym:

If you're not familiar with the plot, Leonardo DiCaprio stars in the real life tale of one of the most successful con men in history, who impersonated an airline pilot, a doctor, and a lawyer, and forged hundreds of fake checks, all before turning 19.  Tom Hanks is a member of the FBI anti-check fraud division, trying to catch him.

Let's be honest, you'd trust this guy too.

Rob:

And re-catch him...and re-catch him.  Part of what makes the story fun and engaging is how many real life escapes this guy made, and since he's defrauding rich investors and the government, it never feels like he's really hurting anyone.  Leo's great performance, combined with a lot of character background, really helps you get to know his character.  They also build up the sympathy by showing how scared he is all the time, and all his father's financial problems.


Kym:

Yeah, there's a WHOLE LOT of character background, leading us to the movie's only really flaw: it's length.  Despite being a fun caper comedy-drama, it does drag, then again it's not so easy to cut things out when it's based on real life. 


Rob:

They probably didn't need to spend quite so much time with Tom Hanks though.  Although I must say that he does do a very good job as the neurotic pencil-pushing Joe Friday-like character.  He's the perfect straight man to Dicaprio's hilarious antics.  As the old saying goes, this is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.


Kym:

There's a whole lot of bouncing?




Rob:

Yup. 


Kym:

I also like the unique 60's feel of the film.  They got every small detail done right, just like MiB 3 did earlier this summer.  Once again, we feel like we're back fifty years ago.

Rob:

Unlike MiB 3, however, we see a lot more of residential life in the 60's.  We see the beautiful TWA and Pan-Am airports too, of course, but I really liked how authentic everyone's homes and hotel rooms looked.  It really added a lot to the story.  Of course, at a 150ish minute run time, 'adding' to it may not be the best thing.

Kym:

Well, at least it'll get you warmed up for Breaking Dawn part 2.  What's that going to be, 25 hours long?



Rob:

Actually, I heard they're splitting it into 100 movies, each 15 minutes long.


Kym:

*Sigh*....Jacob better be in every damn one!

Kym:

I recently showed this to Rob, which he'd never seen before.

Rob: 

I had seen the lead actress Elisabeth Shue before though.

 

Kym:

Ugh...and here I thought we'd get through a post without including your lechery and dirty pictures.


Rob:

My Cal Ripken Jr.-like streak continues!


Kym:



Adventures in Babysitting includes a fully clothed Elisabeth Shue...


 
Rob: 

More than fully clothed!  She was wearing around 20 layers!  She looked like a grandmother Christmas shopping.


Kym:


Serves you right.  Anyway, this was Chris Columbus' breakout hit, with a cast of relatively unknowns, in a story revolving around babysitting and a trip to the city (Chicago, I believe) gone terribly terribly wrong.



Rob:

More like Chicago after the apocalypse.  Seriously, why do movies in the 80's portray the big city as a dystopian nightmare, filled with junkies, gun-toting maniacs, hookers, and homeless psychopaths every 10 feet?




Kym:

I think Chris Columbus did that more often than most directors, probably to heighten the sense of danger, and as a way to show how kids perceive the big city, rather than how it really is.


Rob:


I don't know.  The inhabitants of the big city seem to be portrayed in a way that seems more than a little bit racist to me.

Kym: 

Great, Rob's getting ready to go on one of THOSE rants.  Everybody settle in.

Rob:

It's just that every black character is some sort of criminal...

Kym: 

The people in the Blues club weren't.

Rob:

Alright, they weren't, but pretty much everyone else was.  Perhaps Chris Columbus was more than a little bit racist himself.  The fact that Home Alone 1 + 2 includes no significant minority characters adds to my suspicion, especially for Home Alone 2, which takes place in New York!  The inhabitants of real New York are about 40% White, 25% Black, 25% Latino, and 10% Asian.  In comparison, Chris Columbus' version of New York is as white as the driven snow...
 

Kym: 

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Rob:

Okay, I see your point.  The last thing the internet needs is yet another rant about racism, but I think it was overt enough here to hurt the movie a little.  There's a fine line between saying 'the big city is scary' and 'the big city is filled with scary minorities'.  I did enjoy the movie, but I found parts of it a little offensive.

Kym:

I'm surprised that's all you found offensive.  It's interesting to see how much 'raunchier' family comedies were in the 80's.  There's countless casual references to sex, guys calling other guys 'homos', an oral sex joke (haven't heard one of those since the Clinton Administration), college skanks, plenty of booze, prostitutes, and all kinds of debauchery!  Home Alone seems ridiculously tame by comparison.  Hard to believe it's by the same director.

Rob: 

Yeah, all things considered, it's a fun comedy, with a few moments that seem embarrassing in an 80's sort of way, but I guess that's all part of the fun.  

Kym: 

It's one of my favorite 'dumb fun' movies, which I watched constantly when I was young.  Rob had Clue, I had this.  Still, it's not only a funny movie, but a great 'time capsule' film, showing us the 80's just before it became the 90's, when you still had starlets like Molly Ringwald, and Thor was still for kids and geeks only.  Also, that kid who called Thor a 'homo' better watch out!  Thor will kick your ass!

Rob:

Indeed!  Not only is Thor not a homo, but neither is Chris Hemsworth.  In fact, he just had a baby girl (for some reason named 'India') with his incredibly hot wife.  That little girl will one day grow up to be so attractive she'll just enslave us all with mind control!

Kym:

No fair!  I want a guy that hunky too!

Rob:

You heard her, Chris!  Get on that.

...

FINAL RATINGS:

National Treasure:

Rob's rating (school style): B

Kym's rating (rent/buy/ignore): buy on blu ray, but wait for a deal

Catch Me If You Can:

 

Rob's rating: A-

Kym's rating: buy

Adventures in Babysitting:

Rob's Rating: B-

Kym's Rating: if you grew up in the 80's then buy, otherwise rent it first (Netflix should have it)

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance: 

Rob's Rating: C+

Kym's Rating: Seriously?


(Rob: It's as good as Indiana Jones 4.)

(Kym: No argument there.)

Spider 'Meh', Spider 'Meh', Does Whatever a Toby Maguire Can...

Rob:

Deja-vu.


Kym:

Yeah, I definitely get the feeling that we've experienced all this before...say, 10 years ago, with a better cast.


Rob:

I know the Amazing Spiderman is getting some flak for being a reboot only 5 years after Spiderman 3, but what really annoyed me is that it's not merely a reboot, but practically a scene for scene remake of Spiderman 1.  The only omission was the lack of Kirsten Dunst's nipples, a grievous plot hole if you ask me.  Emma Stone needs to get on that, asap.


Kym:

Your lechery aside, there were quite a few plot holes, which is surprising given the movie's 2 hour and 15 minute run time.  That's 15 minutes longer than Spiderman 1, and yet we seem to get far less plot.  For example, why is Peter Parker such a loner/misfit?  He's charming, smart, and rides a skateboard. 


Rob: 

That's not  a description of a social outcast, that's Donatello the ninja turtle.

(We are a single spider bite away from the greatest Spiderman reboot ever)

Kym:

At least Toby Maguire seemed 'geeky'...and plausibly 18.  Our main heroes both look about 5 years too old for the part.  If the story took place in college, it would've made more sense.  Also, we have yet another movie world with no authority figures in school. 


Rob:

Where bullies freely beat the crap out of the nerds, and then go to the teacher's lounge for some high-fives and a beer.


Kym:

Oh and...spoiler alert (good guys win, hero learns important life lesson, extra scene after credits sets up sequel, etc) where did Gwen Stacey get the cure from?  She makes it, but they never really explain how she suddenly knows how to make the cure.  


Rob:

Then in the worst plot hole yet, Peter Parker looks up something on the internet using 'Bing'.


Kym:

Madness!




Rob:

Aside from plot gripes, I also have some complaints with the villain.  You see, one thing the movie does right, and very well, is use practical effects for most of the stunts and action scenes.  Instead of just using CGI, like Michael Bay, they take notes from Chris Nolan, using real life effects whenever possible. 


Kym:

Yet for some reason, this is our villain:

  

Rob:

Well that's....very mediocre CGI.  Would it have killed them to use latex masks and puppetry instead?  I think the movie would've been a lot better that way.  Hell, Green Goblin wore a mask, and he looked great.  Also, the darker, more realistic atmosphere of the movie would have held up a lot better if Spiderman wasn't kickboxing with a cartoon lizard.  Hell, the lizard-man effects aren't even as believable as lizards from Super Mario Brothers the movie!

(Dennis Hopper was born to play a lizard)

Kym:

All our griping aside, it wasn't a bad movie, or even that disappointing a movie.  It's just not that good of a movie.  The action is good in most places, especially the scenes involving Spiderman himself, but the plot took no risks, hitting every plot point from Spiderman 1, and really showed us nothing new.

Rob:

Hell, at least 'Turn Off the Dark' has that one amazing stunt.  You know, the one where he leaps sideways towards the audience and lands on his neck?  Now that's entertainment!


Kym:

*Sigh*....so much for becoming a serious movie blog. 

Rob:

It took a while, but we finally got to see Brave.  Our attempts were nearly thwarted by the theater randomly closing because of a backed up sewage system, we had to drive far into the opposite direction, and I nearly had to take hostages, but we finally saw Pixar's new movie, and it was delightful!


Kym:

Merida and the rest of her family made for very interesting characters and a wonderful story, with enough action to keep the guys in the audience interested.


Rob:

The thing I really love about Pixar movies is their attention to detail.  You can actually see the fuzz on their clothing, and tiny faded scars that are only visible up close.  It's tiny details like these that elevates most Pixar movies above regular animated/CGI films, and to the point of being art.  The only complaints I had were that the story was pretty standard for a disney/fantasy/princess sort of story...

 
Kym:

I see nothing wrong with that, and unlike normal Disney princesses, Merida doesn't need a prince.  She's a strong, independent young woman, but it doesn't come off as being forced or pandering.  It all seems quite natural, and works very well with the rest of the story.

Rob:

My other complaint was with Merida's head.  In some scenes (like in the picture above), there's just something off about its shape, and she's realistic enough otherwise to bring us a bit into the 'uncanny valley' area.  Her mom, Elinor looks better....a lot better.  In fact, Merida's mom has got it goin' on.

(Merida can't you see, you're just not the girl for me...)

Kym:

I'm used to your normal lechery, dear, but it goes a bit far when you include poor innocent Disney characters.  Remember our trip to Disney World?

Rob:

For the record, I behaved myself completely....but good Lord, you should've seen some of the actresses dressed up as princesses.  The park enforces an 'absolutely no touching the princesses' rule with the adult guys, and I can see why.  Not only are they great actresses, but they look like super models!

(Or in Jasmine's case, Porn Stars)

Kym:

I don't think any of this is helping your case, dear.


Rob:

Oh well, at least I had an excuse to look up pictures of hot princesses.  There's a lot more of them then you'd think.


Kym:

I'll take your word for it.

(Despite Kym taking my word for it, I felt it was important to include this, for scientific purposes)

Kym:

Garbage.  Complete garbage.

Rob: 

Breaks my heart, it really does.  You can't understand how much I was looking forward to seeing this.  I mean, it's Abraham Lincoln fighting vampires with a silver axe!  The axe even has an inbuilt gun!  How can you possibly go wrong with a premise like that?!


Kym:

They took the premise dead serious, and then used ridiculous CGI special effects, on par in both quality and subtlety as 'Van Helsing'.


Rob:

All that would have been fine, if they'd just kept the whole thing campy.  It's Cowboys and Aliens all over again (see our August 2011 post for more details).  They're handed the perfect setup for a campy action-comedy, in the same spirit of Zombieland, and instead they try to make the film dead serious. 


Kym:



How could they possibly think that 'Abraham Lincoln fighting the undead' was the perfect setup for a serious action movie? 


 
Rob: 

To give you an idea how over the top the action is, there's a scene where *spoiler alert* (Abraham Lincoln kills vampires) where a vampire throws a horse at Lincoln, and Abraham not only catches the horse with his hands, but spins it around and jumps on it in one fluid motion.


Kym:


You know what?  This was a worse movie than Cowboys and Aliens.  At least that had star power, decent special effects, and a great performance from Harrison Ford.



Rob:

Don't forget Daniel Craig, the most British cowboy in the old west!




Kym:

Uh...don't remind me.  Still better than vampire hunting Abe Lincoln.  Another strike-out, to go along with Snow White and the Huntsman, Prometheus, Dark Shadows, and Battleship.


Rob:



If it weren't for Avengers, Men in Black 3, and Brave, we may have had no good movies to go to at all, and I may have suffered a fate worse than death....

Kym: 

Bad for YOU, maybe :-) 

Rob:

Not today, McConaughey.  Not today....

...

(We've forgotten to do our rating for a little while, so here's its triumphant return)

The Amazing Spiderman:

Rob's rating (school style): B-

Kym's rating (rent/buy/ignore): buy on blu ray, but wait for a sale

Brave:

 

Rob's rating: A

Kym's rating: buy on blu ray, ASAP

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter:

Rob's Rating: D-

Kym's Rating: pretend it didn't happen

Prometheus Spoiler Alert: The Aliens Sort of Look Like 'Thingies' and 'Ding Dongs'

Rob:

Yup, in a Scooby Doo-like reveal, we discover the truth: the aliens did it.

Kym:

You don't say.


Rob:

And that evil corporation?  Is EVIL.


Kym:

Our continuing disappointment with Summer movies (starting with Snow White and the Huntsman) continues with the over-hyped Prometheus.


Rob:
 
Personally, I wouldn't go that far.  The movie has some absolutely gorgeous cinematography, special effects, and wonderful atmosphere.

Kym:

Meh.


Rob:

...that's it?  Just Meh?


Kym:

Meh.


Rob:

It's going to be a really short post if that's all you have to say.


Kym:

Alright, it was also really long.

 Even the aliens were long.

Rob:

Well there was a...okay, the movie was indeed really long.  But there were a lot of important plot elements to get through.


Kym:

Why?  It's supposed to be a monster movie.  As much as geeks of the world love the Alien series, it's at its heart a series of monster movies.  Some of them are great monster movies, in the same way Psycho was a great thriller-slasher, and the Birds was a great disaster movie, but for a series that's supposed to be about monsters, there were way too many scenes of people talking, and not enough monsters.

  

 Can you guess what's missing from the above picture?  Hint: it's monster related.

Rob:

Well you sort of have to take the...okay, there weren't nearly as many monsters as I'd hoped.  And the monsters that were there didn't seem to mesh with the rest of the movie.  It's as if the movie originally contained none, and the film executives held Ridley Scott at gunpoint until he added some.

Or Fruedian-monster-point.  Whatever Works

Kym:

Despite my hubby to be liking the atmosphere, as a non-geek (I hope, he's rubbing off on me) I just wasn't thrilled or interested enough to enjoy it past the first hour.  Even the big alien fight at the end didn't really do much for me.  I just kept thinking: Thor would kick that monster's ass.

Not being Chris Hemsworth has its consequences.

Rob:

The scariest scene was actually the infamous 'c-section' scene, which somehow manages to be even MORE terrifying than your average c-section.


Kym:

Aside from that disturbing scene (and how odd it was that no one besides the android acknowledges that the whole alien baby thing even happened), the movie was actually pretty predictable.  Despite not having quite enough action scenes and monsters (at least in a way that was interesting or made sense) it pretty much followed your standard horror movie plot.  They split up, picked off one by one, and then only the girl lives.  It's horror without the horror.


Rob:


I still have to disagree.  Overall, I still like the movie, although it pales in comparison to Alien 1...then again, every other Alien movie really does.  It just seems like a theme that only works well when kept low key.  I didn't even like Aliens (Alien 2) that much.  Your buddy James Cameron didn't 'do it' for me that time.  He won't get my $15 for that blu-ray.



Kym:

That's okay, I'm pretty sure he's got enough cash without it.

Rob:

And there goes my buzz....

Kym:

I didn't see this one with Rob, who went with his little sister.  I'll have to defer to his opinion for this one.


Rob:

It was better than the first two, although that's sort of like saying that the sinus surgery I had was better than the dental surgery.  There was a great 10 minute chase scene in the beginning though, involving a hilariously evil French chic who's channeling Professor Umbridge.

Rob:

After that it was just two 'okay' music numbers, and then....

Rob:

For about an hour or so, bringing us to the cornerstone of the Madagascar series: ridiculously racist caricatures!  We have the over the top 'minstrel' show above...

Rob:

Followed by the obsequious Italian idiot, with an accent so thick that it's dripping Marinara sauce....

Rob:

Followed by a hard drinking Russian (okay, it's soup in the movie, but they play it up as if it were booze) and the 'British asshole that hates everthing' archetypes that reality TV and food shows can't seem to get enough of as the puppies.  Wonderful.


Kym:

It really wasn't that bad, was it?

Kym:

Uh...

Rob: 

Yeah, you just try and get the 'circus afro' song out of your head.  You can't.  It's scientifically impossible.


Kym:

Still, I've heard it was at least a bit funny.


Rob:

A tiny bit funny.  The penguins were funny, as usual.  It wasn't good enough to warrant the ticket cost though, especially if you plan to see it in 3D.  If you can, try and stall the kids in your family until Brave comes out.

Kym:



Which is this week!  We're going to the dine-in theater!


 
Rob: 

So we're going to the theater that serves booze for 'Brave' and NOT 'Madagascar 3'?!  


Kym:


Sorry, love.



Rob:

Oh, the irony.....




Kym:

Don't worry, my guess is this will be the last of the Madagascar movies.  I mean, they've pretty much been everywhere at this point, right?


Rob:

Yeah, the only racist accents they have left are Australian and Asian...which are both found in the South Pacific....

(I can't believe we're having so many wacky adventures in the South Pacific!)

Rob:

My God.  The horror...the horror...